Howls of “That’s not fair!” begin in infancy.  Not the baby’s—but the sleep-deprived parents, battling over who does the midnight feedings, diaper changes, and the “who does what list,” which the newborn’s arrival geometrically multiplies.  This week in my office I was reminded of that time in my own life, and how, back then, I even envied my husband’s commute to work as “down time.” I was also steamed that he could sleep through the early morning cries from the nursery while I, even years later, not only heard every peep, but hallucinated whimpers that weren’t there. In other words, I was your average mother.

In the post-modern world of parenting, there are some time-counters that shoot for absolute minute-by-minute equity. That seems like added work to me, but I agree with the notion that parents have to arrive atwhat feels fair to survive early childhood with marriage intact. Don’t blame kids for the first significant rise in divorce from years 5 to 7 years of marriage. It’s just that children complicate and challenge our ability to be fair to each other. And parenting often falls into the executive, CEO task of organizing everything, to the emotional parenting task of being truly present, engaged, and a safe and comforting presence for children from ages zero to twenty. Kids need both.

But what’s a parent to do if you feel like the default parent (read: mother, though I’ve seen plenty of fathers who pull the second shift). Instead of starting the Chore Wars, get some credit for the many tasks you’re doing. Remind parent #2 that there is no such thing as “baby-sitting,” there’s just parenting. Think about and then make a list of what help you need. Make a schedule of the “who does what.”  It’s the not knowing what to expect or count on that drives people berserk.  Next, think of what you can let go of.  Your pre-child standards may be one of them. If you’re both doing a double shift of work then childcare, be kind to each other, and give each other scheduled breaks. If you’re overwhelmed, say so, rather than scream so. Ask for (and give) specific appreciations each day.  They soothe the raveled sleeve of care. Finally, for those of you prone to auditory hallucinations of babies crying, don’t forget your earplugs.