Sometimes I get lofty and join my colleagues in discussing the theoretical aspects of care giving. I ask myself how we can help people self identify as a caregiver or, conversely, I wonder if care giving is actually just a normal part of living. Then I have a day where I am jarringly reminded that care giving is most often thrust upon us, and it really doesn't matter what we think. In these moments of crisis we just do what we need to do.

I had one of these moments two weeks ago when my husband, already challenged by a cerebral hemorrhage, stroke, and spinal cord injury, experienced a major heart attack. He is doing very well, and we are grateful for good and fast medical care. We learned new information; some of it valuable. But honestly, none of it valuable enough to make me say, as we often think we should say in a crisis, 'It happened for the best.'

However, I have decided to share with each of you what I do to stay centered and grounded during a family care giving crisis. If any of what I have learned is helpful to you, then I am a happy camper. I would rather not have these crisis, but I have learned a lot, and if you can learn both from my mistakes and successes...all the better for both of us.

Here we go...

1. After my mom died I realized I wanted to cry every afternoon around two o'clock. Problem was: This was the middle of my workday and you cannot do therapy with others while sobbing hysterically! So, I booked myself out of my office from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., closed the door, and cried. Then I went shopping.

After a couple of weeks I realized I was crying less and shopping more. Eventually, I seemed to be skipping the crying and just shopping! So, I went back to my regular work schedule and felt fine. What happened here?

I listened to my feelings.

I have no clue if Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was right when she described the eight stages of grief. We are all individuals, so I am always leery of 2, 7, 9, or 15 stages of anything. Rather, we need to listen to our bodies and our feelings. Mine said, 'Cry at 2 p.m.' So I did. It worked for me. Listen to your body and your feelings.

2. If: a) it's freezing cold outside, b) you valet parked your car at the hospital (not realizing that the valet guys leave work at 5 p.m.), c) it's already 9 p.m., and d) you have no idea where your car is parked, go to the security guard and ask him or her to help you find your car!

If the security guard, like mine did, calls his supervisor and then tells you, 'Here are your keys. Your car is somewhere in the parking garage. Go find it,' I have the magic answer for just this problem. Insist the guard call the supervisor again, then take the phone and ask the supervisor -- in your nicest voice -- for help in finding your car. If he still refuses, use your strongest Grandma voice (You know, that same firm but calm voice you use when threatening a grandchild that you are going to count to three or else a time out is coming) and say the following, 'I am a 63-year-old woman and my husband is in ICU after having a heart attack and emergency surgery...(get really firm here)...and you just don't want to mess with me!!! It works like a charm.

You'll be surprised how powerful and in control you feel. Oh, and another idea: Apologize to the supervisor the next day and give him chocolates. (Listen, every caregiver has a bad moment, and every valet should post his hours!)

3. Years ago when my husband had his first major medical crisis, I could not bring myself to leave the hospital at night. I was scared and sad, and I felt that if he could feel the presence of my love near him, maybe that would be the medicine that would tip the balance toward life when more traditional medicines could not.

Of course, my rational parts told me these feelings were more about me than my husband, but I listened to them anyway. After all, I matter! I slept in a chair in the hospital for a night or two, and then realized I needed to go home to my own bed. He wasn't really much better than before, but I was.

I needed to feel I had some control in an out-of-control situation, and for me being close by my husband worked. Some people thought I was nuts, but in fact, I was very sane. And even though they could not see it, I was taking care of myself.

Now if I had kept this up longer I would have depleted my energies, so I am not saying you should sleep at the hospital every time your husband is in one. I haven't slept in a hospital in decades, and my husband has been in many. But in that moment when care giving was first abruptly thrust upon me, I needed to stay near him for a night or two, and it worked for me. You don't always have to do what well meaning people say you should do. Sometimes yes, but sometimes no.

4. I understand the value of structure in our lives, so during this most recent crisis I chose to work a few hours in my office each day after things calmed down. I love my work, my husband was safe, and I knew the routine of work would give me comfort and remind me that life is more than a hospital room.

I also left my car at the hospital after visiting him each morning, and I walked to work, to the grocery, and to every errand. After work, I waked back to the hospital and spent a few hours talking with my husband.

Exercise is the best stress reliever on the market, but when we have a loved one who is hospitalized, going to the gym is hard to keep at the top of the 'To Do' list! Sometimes good old-fashioned walking can be the best exercise of all!

And to top it off, the ground was covered with snow, the sun was out, and I had glorious walks. Many walks ended with a happy and joyous wife walking into her husband's hospital room…another kind of potent medicine for both of us!

Interestingly as I think back on the last two weeks, my mind keeps going to the beauty of those walks. These thoughts seem to have negated some of the more stressful memories, and that's a lasting gift!

5. I'm kind of compulsive, so after the initial crisis I searched until I found a friend of a friend who taught me all I could absorb about my husband's new medical problem. This was not an attempt to second guess the doctors, but my own need to have a deeper knowledge of complicated issues. I told myself that I wanted to understand enough about cardiology to ask the right questions, and make more informed decisions. Some of that is true. But it is also true that I just feel more in control when I have more information. It's just who I am. Again, I allowed me to be who I am. I went with my strengths, my authenticity. Someone else might want to know nothing, and that would be right for him or her. We are who we are and that will take us far in the tough times.

6. I made a choice to stay centered.

I made the choice to 'choose' my thoughts and not 'borrow trouble' as my grandmother used to say. I did not project into the future. I lived in each moment and dealt with the issues of that moment.

And I made the choice to concentrate on learning, supporting and advocating for my husband, while still understanding the limits of medical science and the pressures on medical workers who work hard to serve others.

And I made the choice to see the humor in things, to laugh, smile, and savor the whiff of joy when it floated by.

Finally, my husband came home, which leads me to...

7. We live in an extended family home with my daughter, son-in-law, and their three kids. There is a great deal of support for me here and for my husband. Always get more support if you need it. Call a church, senior center or the hospital and see what they have for you. Reach out. Call friends and ask neighbors for tea. You need support. I do not care how tough you are. Isolation is the caregiver's enemy. Here is why:

8. Eventually even the toughest of us have to let down. But it is only when we feel safe and protected that we can finally relax enough to just think about ourselves. Care giving is a big responsibility, but that responsibility starts with caring for ourselves.

So after my husband was home and safe and life was a little normal, I had a couple of bumpy days. I felt sort of wimpy. I comforted myself (comfort is sometimes spelled c-h-o-c-o-l-a-t-e) and accepted comfort from others. It was the best thing I could do. This 'down time' helped me build up my reserves again, and within a day or two, I felt centered and like myself.

I have learned that real control often means not needing to be in control. I choose to make a choice to roll with the punches, listen to my feelings, use my brain, choose my thoughts, get support when I need it, and take care of myself in ways that are authentic to me. And I am just fine with not doing everything perfectly! I want the same for you.