If you asked any wife and mother what her top three fears are, I bet that they are: 1) the death of one of her children, 2) her own diagnosis of a terminal illness before her children reach adulthood, and 3) the infidelity of her husband. I know people who have experienced one of these traumas, but I know of no one who has experienced all three. Except for Elizabeth Edwards.

The pain she has experienced since the death of her son Wade is incomprehensible. As a therapist, I know that if she were my patient, I would feel virtually powerless to help her feel better. How do you cope with such tragedy, over and over and over? I spend hours each week working with women in crisis and I say the same thing to each one: 'I am going to teach you techniques and skills which you can use to help you feel better. I am not going to make you better. You are.' I don't know, though, if anything in my repertoire of skills would work for someone who has endured all three traumas. Elizabeth Edwards has shown such strength and is modeling a degree of sacrifice that is simply staggering. But I know what is helping her.

In every interview she has given in the past few weeks to promote her new book Resilience, she has spoken of the support and love that John showed, and shows, in the face of her illness. She gives examples of what kind of father he is, and how present a figure he is in his family. And she always gives the impression that she has forgiven him for the hurt he has caused her and their children.

Whether or not she has forgiven him is actually not my business, nor anyone else's. Personally, I am completely intolerant of infidelity and, in the vast majority of situations, I would favor kicking him out and socking it to him financially. But this is not a normal situation. She has a terminal illness. And she has three children, two of whom are under the age of 12. 

So the reason she has to at least say that she has forgiven him is that her love for her children is tantamount. She cares more for her children than she cares about his infidelity. Since she knows that she is in all likelihood not going to see her two youngest children into adulthood, she has to over-involve their father in their lives. I had a patient years ago who was diagnosed with breast cancer when her son was a year old. Despite receiving aggressive treatment, several years later she found out that the cancer had spread to her liver. She knew that she was going to die, so she and her husband began a slow transition; so carefully that their son didn't notice, his dad began to take over more and more of the parenting. I can't say that her death was easy for him in any way, but the bond he had with his dad, and the fact that his father could effortlessly care for him, made things a lot easier on them both.

If Elizabeth were to act the way she probably wants to, her instinct would be to punish John by keeping him away from the family they created together. She has every right to want to hurt him. But doing that would hurt her children even more.

So this amazing woman is doing what every mother would like to believe she would do: she is putting her own needs, and probably her pride and moral core, aside because of the love she has for her children. We should all be in awe.