Around the time my mother died, I read somewhere that the average age to lose a parent is 46 in the U.S. That was my exact age when my mom passed, so it felt oddly reassuring to be considered normal, especially since most of those around me seemed to still have their parental units intact.

My father died seven years before my mother, so I have been in the unenviable position of being one of the few in my group of friends who is an orphan. I know it sounds odd to describe an adult as an orphan, but that is literally the first thought that crossed my mind as my mother died. When she took her last breath, I looked up at my sister and said 'wow, we're orphans.' Being an adult orphan is tougher than one might expect. You feel vulnerable to the extreme, even if you have been independent for years or had reversed roles and were caring for your parents before they died.

Since I am the veteran parent-loser in my peer group, I have become the go-to person for support when one of them loses a parent. My personal experience combined with my work as a therapist counseling many grieving patients has given me a richer understanding of the complexities of this journey that we all travel eventually.

There is no doubt in my mind that there is no right way to mourn the loss of a parent. There are so many mediating factors. My impression is that both the way your parents died (sudden and unexpected versus a long horrific illness versus the last stage of dementia), as well as the quality of your relationship with them, have a huge impact on how you cope in the months and years after your loss.

I've lost a parent both ways: my father died relatively suddenly with no opportunity for reflection or the chance to say goodbye, and my mother passed away after a long battle with breast cancer. I don’t think overall one is any better than the other. I sense my father's death was easier for him, since he didn't have to suffer or anticipate his mortality, but it was harder for the rest of the family, as we didn't have the opportunity to say certain things. My mother's death was very difficult for her and she suffered so much physically. But during the last months and weeks of her life, my sister and I had the chance to talk to her and simply to make extra time to be with her.

When a parent dies suddenly, you're caught off guard, which makes coming to terms with your loss and managing the resultant turmoil and decisions all the more difficult. Just as hard, though, is the unexpected guilt you might feel after the death of a parent who has died from a long illness, knowing that their (and your) suffering is over. Don't ever feel guilty about that relief. It is normal and natural to want suffering to stop. And not just theirs...your own, too.

My husband and I have two friends who are currently struggling with a parent who is losing the battle with cancer. Both of them have independently told me that they are feeling incredible guilt. Most of their guilt is from the inability to be with their parent as much as they would like, as they're simultaneously juggling the demands of small children/job/home/pets. I am always telling my patients, no matter what they have come in to see me for, that their actions should be guided by behaviors which are the least likely to cause regret in the future. If you drop everything to be with your sick parent, is that the best decision for everyone in your life? Trying to achieve a balance between the desire to be with your parent and the necessities of life is tricky, and it is perfectly natural that after your parent dies to experience relief that you are no longer being pulled in two opposite directions. Please don't allow yourself to feel guilty. Grieving over such a huge loss is enough.

The quality of the relationship you had with your parent is also going to have a huge impact on the grieving process. There are many types of parent-child relationships, but those which are less than ideal make the grieving process so very complicated. I had a fantastic mother and when she died, all I felt was pure grief. I missed our calls, I missed watching her with my daughters, I missed going out to eat and shopping together. But the grieving was pure: I simply missed her like crazy.

My father and I on the other hand had had a very difficult relationship. We were not close at all. I clearly remember after he died looking at all the flowers I had received from loved ones, and feeling guilty about receiving all those flowers, since I didn’t feel I was grieving enough to deserve them. That guilt -- plus all the tangled emotions I felt toward him -- made the next year a whirlwind of ups and downs.

We are allowed to have negative emotions about a parent; parents make mistakes, they can be selfish or cruel, critical or aloof. If you have anger or resentment while they are alive, do not put pressure on yourself to put them up on a pedestal after they are gone. A father who was an alcoholic while he was alive should not in your mind become the sober parent after he is gone.

As you process your emotions after the death of a parent, disregard all your preconceived notions about how you are supposed to feel. There is no right way to mourn, and there is no correct time to feel sad. You are mourning the way you need to mourn. Although this is a right of life passage for everyone, the relationship you had with your parent is unique to you.