Many people ask “What if…”

•    What if the stock market plummets another 3,000 points?
•    What if I don’t save enough for retirement?
•    What if I get sick?
•    What if my child gets in an accident, or gets hurt?

In each question there is a concern about the future, about whether or not things will be better, the same, or worse.  We all have these questions, and we all wonder about the future.  It is a common human trait.  The problem comes when our simple questions become obsessive stressful scenarios that rob us of the joy, contentment, and pleasures of the present.  This problem is called the “What If” syndrome.   If you follow the news at all today you can’t help but become dragged into this mindset.  We hear about health problems, nuclear bombs, terrorists, bailouts, crime, economic distress, layoffs, stock market crashes, depression, global warming.  The media plays a big part in focusing our minds on what could be, rather than what actually is. It is called the media effect—the technological ability to make our molehills into mountains.  I don’t know about you, but if I really analyze this, I can say that the bird flu never came, we just experienced one of the coldest Novembers on record, and unemployment and interest rates are nothing like what we experienced in the late 70’s and early 80’s.  I’m not trying to be a Pollyanna, but I am trying to have some perspective.

The “what if” syndrome doesn’t just apply to the future.  Some of us also apply it to the past…

“What if I hadn’t said…”?

“What if I only had done…”?

This practice is called rumination.  Like a cow that ruminates and chews its cud, we psychologically regurgitate our past mistakes, embarrassments, or humiliations and relive them again, and again, and again.  Each time re-experiencing the unpleasant emotions associated with the event.  Sometimes cringing, sometimes self-loathing, and sometimes feeling just plain bad.  Although women tend to do this more then men, it is widespread.

The point is that all of this worrying about the future, and ruminating about the past focuses our thoughts on what has already been, and what may never occur.  What are lost are the pleasures, joys, experiences, feelings, and loves of today.  We simply miss out on the joy of living.  Our daughters’ smiles and laughter become lost in the fog of anxiety.  Our son’s heroic efforts at learning a new skill go unnoticed in the static of an event that already has past.  Our enjoyment in relating to others, working at something we enjoy, and spending time with people we love is compromised.  The “what if” syndrome robs us of this present.   

So what can we do?

1. Realize everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect.  Not even you.  Forgive yourself, and move on.  No one else really pays attention to what you may have done –we all tend to focus on ourselves anyways.  As my father use to say with a smile, don’t take yourself so seriously, no one else is.

2. Plan for the future, but don’t worry about it.  Planning involves an active, conscious effort to reach a goal or objective.  It is proactive, and involves creating the steps and actions to help you move forward.  In contrast, worrying only causes us to become less active, and more emotionally shackled.  It’s hard to move forward when you have a 100 pounds of anxiety hanging around your neck.

3. You can’t predict the future so why bother asking all these what if questions.  Who is to say that the future won’t be good?  Who is to say that you won’t have a better job, or better opportunities?  Realize the future is what makes life interesting and mysterious—or as some have said, an adventure.  Take it as it comes, and do your best.  That is all anyone can ask of you.

4. Be thankful for what you have been given.  Many people that I have talked with that suffer from the “what if” syndrome, have jobs, have good health, have friends and family, have a roof over their heads, and plenty of food in the cupboard.  They are not starving, they are not suffering, and they are not unemployed.  The only reason they are stressed out is because they are worrying about things that have never occurred, or may not happen.  They are literally living in a story of their own making—and it is more a tragedy than a comedy. What kind of story are you writing?

5. Talk to someone much older than you.  Many have lived and experienced a wide variety of life events and have come through it just fine.  Wars, depression, sickness, deaths, loss, as well as joys, loves, achievement, and success.  You may gain a whole new perspective and some encouragement.  

6. There is a saying that “the reed can’t tell the wind what to do.”  It means that if you try to be a stiff reed and try to control the wind, you will break.  But if you are a flexible reed, and bend with the wind, you will eventually stand tall again.  Don’t try to control everything.  Loosen up, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Seize the day, enjoy every minute of it.  Don’t worry about the future, you can’t predict what will be, and don’t ruminate about the past—it’s done and forgotten.