I was running the last session of my most recent mind/body infertility program last night and the group got to talking about miscarriage. About half the members had experienced at least one, and the support they received, or the lack thereof, was astonishing. This should have surprised me, but it didn’t. I have been counseling women for years and have probably seen more than a thousand individuals who have experienced a pregnancy loss. Although there are some exceptions, for the most part what I hear is the insensitive comments (“maybe you weren’t meant to be a mother,” or “oh well, now you get to try again”  and “it is not such a big deal, it happens all the time so get over it”) and about a month after my own loss, I was asked by someone if the miscarriage had “been real.” I couldn’t figure out how to answer such a stupid and insulting question since I had no idea what a fake miscarriage was!

So the question arises: Why is there such a disconnect between our society and the women/couples who experience the loss?  Most women are told not to even tell anyone about their pregnancies until after their first trimester, when the greatest danger of loss is past. And why not tell? Because if you do and then if you miscarry, you will have to share that news. But what is wrong with that?  Isn’t it appropriate for loved ones to know so you will get the comfort and support you deserve?

Most couples who conceive a wanted pregnancy begin to fantasize and plan as soon as that little stick turns color or they get the happy phone call from the doctor’s office. This is not simply a complex bundle of cells--this is their baby. You begin to talk about names, what the nursery will look like, even start to talk about child care and work issues. So if tragedy happens and there is a miscarriage, this signifies a huge loss. 

I can't stress enough how important it is that the grieving couples be comforted, supported, pampered, and counseled because a miscarriage is not just the loss of an embryo or fetus; for most couples it is also the loss of their dream and what they want most in the world. If you or someone you know has miscarried, I encourage you to share your experience here in the hope of helping--and educating--others...