http://community.bewell.com/service/getFeed.kickAction?quantity=25 New blogs from AliceDDomarPhD on BeWell Community Tue, 06 Jul 2010 18:57:38 GMT Tue, 06 Jul 2010 18:57:38 GMT community@bewell.com (bewelladmin) community@bewell.com (bewelladmin) KickApps Feed Builder 2010-07-06T18:57:38Z 25 http://community.bewell.com/service/searchEverything.kickAction?as=142833&sortType=recent 0 http://community.bewell.com/_Dangerous-Liaisons-Whats-Behind-Our-Obsession-With-Vampires/BLOG/2433135/142833.html About 18 months ago, my then 12-year-old daughter finished reading the four books of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series. She thought I might like them, and since I enjoy reading the same books as she does, I picked up the first one and dove in. I finished reading it as my family was preparing to go visit friends in Vermont over New Year's, so I packed the second and third books in the series to bring along. Our hostess started the first book when we got there, and the two of us basically spent most of the next few days sitting opposite each other on a couch, foot to foot, reading. We didn't ski, we didn't hike, and we didn't play board games with our kids. We read. She finished the first book as I finished the second, so I handed her book two and started the third volume. When I finished the third book I was frantic because I didn't bring the fourth book. We got home on a Thursday, I read the final book of the series late into the night, and -- I am not proud of this -- but the next day, instead of working, I just had to finish the book. When each of the three movies (thus far) came out, I was the one to suggest that we go opening night. My daughter happily comes along, as do her friends and mine, but I am the instigator. So, when I hear adults ask each other and their teenagers what all the fuss is about, it makes me wonder indeed, what is the appeal? I read all seven Harry Potter books and have seen the first six movies. Although I have enjoyed them immensely, the passion I have for the Twilight series is missing. As a (male) friend asked me last week, isn't the vampire premise sort of sick? What is the appeal of an innocent young thing being aggressively courted by two extraordinarily dangerous beasts? I think I know the answer. If one looks back on the impact that evolution has on all species, it makes sense. A female should be looking for a strong powerful mate, who can easily provide for her and for her young, who can protect her from all danger, and who wants no harm to come to her. Throw in the fantasy that all women have -- to fall in love with a man who is helplessly, head over heals in love with you -- and you have a pretty perfect picture. Bella has it made. Both Edward (the vampire) and Jacob (the werewolf) are so in love with her that they would each die to protect her. Yet because they are both so strong and dangerous, they fend off all enemies. Although Bella is happy and safe, thus far, why might the same model not be applicable to women in the real world? We are wired to look for the strong, protective mate. Yet many women fall for "bad boys." Why? They are exciting, they promise us what we want, they entice us, and yet they put is in danger either accidently or deliberately and many women still stick with their man.  Is this the same thing that Bella is doing? I don't think so. I have had many patients who are or were in abusive relationships and many of these relationships look the same. All fantasy and fun in the beginning when the man comes off as strong, captivating, and a dream come true. He promotes his strength, encourages her to lean on him, depend on him, and to let him take care of her. He is her rock, her confidante, her everything. Then he becomes too interested in what she is doing when they are not together, he begins to discourage her from seeing her own friends and even her family, and he then moves on to verbal and even physical abuse. But she is so in love with him and so emotionally dependent on him that she can't leave, astonishingly even if he is abusing her or their children. He doesn't care about her; he only cares about controlling her. A fantasy is fine. Wouldn't any woman love to imagine two gorgeous hunks fighting over her? But reality is something else. Love is not about power or control. It is about trust, compassion, and support.     About 18 months ago, my then 12-year-old daughter finished reading the four books of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series. She thought I might like them, and since I enjoy reading the same books as she does, I picked up the first one and dove in. I finished reading it as my family was preparing to go visit friends in Vermont over New Year's, so I packed the second and third books in the series to bring along. Our hostess started the first book when we got there, and the two of us basically spent most of the next few days sitting opposite each other on a couch, foot to foot, reading. We didn't ski, we didn't hike, and we didn't play board games with our kids. We read. She finished the first book as I finished the second, so I handed her book two and started the third volume. When I finished the third book I was frantic because I didn't bring the fourth book. We got home on a Thursday, I read the final book of the series late into the night, and -- I am not proud of this -- but the next day, instead of working, I just had to finish the book. When each of the three movies (thus far) came out, I was the one to suggest that we go opening night. My daughter happily comes along, as do her friends and mine, but I am the instigator. So, when I hear adults ask each other and their teenagers what all the fuss is about, it makes me wonder indeed, what is the appeal? I read all seven Harry Potter books and have seen the first six movies. Although I have enjoyed them immensely, the passion I have for the Twilight series is missing. As a (male) friend asked me last week, isn't the vampire premise sort of sick? What is the appeal of an innocent young thing being aggressively courted by two extraordinarily dangerous beasts? I think I know the answer. If one looks back on the impact that evolution has on all species, it makes sense. A female should be looking for a strong powerful mate, who can easily provide for her and for her young, who can protect her from all danger, and who wants no harm to come to her. Throw in the fantasy that all women have -- to fall in love with a man who is helplessly, head over heals in love with you -- and you have a pretty perfect picture. Bella has it made. Both Edward (the vampire) and Jacob (the werewolf) are so in love with her that they would each die to protect her. Yet because they are both so strong and dangerous, they fend off all enemies. Although Bella is happy and safe, thus far, why might the same model not be applicable to women in the real world? We are wired to look for the strong, protective mate. Yet many women fall for "bad boys." Why? They are exciting, they promise us what we want, they entice us, and yet they put is in danger either accidently or deliberately and many women still stick with their man.  Is this the same thing that Bella is doing? I don't think so. I have had many patients who are or were in abusive relationships and many of these relationships look the same. All fantasy and fun in the beginning when the man comes off as strong, captivating, and a dream come true. He promotes his strength, encourages her to lean on him, depend on him, and to let him take care of her. He is her rock, her confidante, her everything. Then he becomes too interested in what she is doing when they are not together, he begins to discourage her from seeing her own friends and even her family, and he then moves on to verbal and even physical abuse. But she is so in love with him and so emotionally dependent on him that she can't leave, astonishingly even if he is abusing her or their children. He doesn't care about her; he only cares about controlling her. A fantasy is fine. Wouldn't any woman love to imagine two gorgeous hunks fighting over her? But reality is something else. Love is not about power or control. It is about trust, compassion, and support.     Tue, 06 Jul 2010 18:57:38 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Dangerous-Liaisons-Whats-Behind-Our-Obsession-With-Vampires/BLOG/2433135/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2010-07-06T18:57:38Z BeWell Community About 18 months ago, my then 12-year-old daughter finished reading the four books of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series. She thought I might like them, and since I enjoy reading the same books as she does, I picked up the first one and dove in. I finished reading it as my family was preparing to go visit friends in Vermont over New Year's, so I packed the second and third books in the series to bring along. Our hostess started the first book when we got there, and the two of us basically spent most of the next few days sitting opposite each other on a couch, foot to foot, reading. We didn't ski, we didn't hike, and we didn't play board games with our kids. We read. She finished the first book as I finished the second, so I handed her book two and started the third volume. When I finished the third book I was frantic because I didn't bring the fourth book. We got home on a Thursday, I read the final book of the series late into the night, and -- I am not proud of this -- but the next day, instead of working, I just had to finish the book. When each of the three movies (thus far) came out, I was the one to suggest that we go opening night. My daughter happily comes along, as do her friends and mine, but I am the instigator. So, when I hear adults ask each other and their teenagers what all the fuss is about, it makes me wonder indeed, what is the appeal? I read all seven Harry Potter books and have seen the first six movies. Although I have enjoyed them immensely, the passion I have for the Twilight series is missing. As a (male) friend asked me last week, isn't the vampire premise sort of sick? What is the appeal of an innocent young thing being aggressively courted by two extraordinarily dangerous beasts? I think I know the answer. If one looks back on the impact that evolution has on all species, it makes sense. A female should be looking for a strong powerful mate, who can easily provide for her and for her young, who can protect her from all danger, and who wants no harm to come to her. Throw in the fantasy that all women have -- to fall in love with a man who is helplessly, head over heals in love with you -- and you have a pretty perfect picture. Bella has it made. Both Edward (the vampire) and Jacob (the werewolf) are so in love with her that they would each die to protect her. Yet because they are both so strong and dangerous, they fend off all enemies. Although Bella is happy and safe, thus far, why might the same model not be applicable to women in the real world? We are wired to look for the strong, protective mate. Yet many women fall for "bad boys." Why? They are exciting, they promise us what we want, they entice us, and yet they put is in danger either accidently or deliberately and many women still stick with their man.  Is this the same thing that Bella is doing? I don't think so. I have had many patients who are or were in abusive relationships and many of these relationships look the same. All fantasy and fun in the beginning when the man comes off as strong, captivating, and a dream come true. He promotes his strength, encourages her to lean on him, depend on him, and to let him take care of her. He is her rock, her confidante, her everything. Then he becomes too interested in what she is doing when they are not together, he begins to discourage her from seeing her own friends and even her family, and he then moves on to verbal and even physical abuse. But she is so in love with him and so emotionally dependent on him that she can't leave, astonishingly even if he is abusing her or their children. He doesn't care about her; he only cares about controlling her. A fantasy is fine. Wouldn't any woman love to imagine two gorgeous hunks fighting over her? But reality is something else. Love is not about power or control. It is about trust, compassion, and support.     abusive, alice, domar, domestic, relationships, twilight, vampires, violence nonadult false Dangerous Liaisons: What’s Behind Our Obsession With Vampires? text blog abusive,alice,domar,domestic,relationships,twilight,vampires,violence 229 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 2433135 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Live-a-Little-Separate-Health-Help-From-Hype/BLOG/1777267/142833.html Editor's Note: This morning Dr. Alice Domar and Dr. Susan Love, co-authors of the new book Live a Little, joined Dr. Nancy Snyderman on TODAY to bring a dose of realism to the way women view their health habits. Watch it now if you missed it. Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy Editor's Note: This morning Dr. Alice Domar and Dr. Susan Love, co-authors of the new book Live a Little, joined Dr. Nancy Snyderman on TODAY to bring a dose of realism to the way women view their health habits. Watch it now if you missed it. Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy Thu, 07 Jan 2010 16:23:31 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Live-a-Little-Separate-Health-Help-From-Hype/BLOG/1777267/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2010-01-07T16:23:31Z BeWell Community Editor's Note: This morning Dr. Alice Domar and Dr. Susan Love, co-authors of the new book Live a Little, joined Dr. Nancy Snyderman on TODAY to bring a dose of realism to the way women view their health habits. Watch it now if you missed it. Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy nonadult false Live a Little: Separate Health Help From Hype text blog 330 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 1 0 1777267 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Please-Dont-Spank-Your-Child/BLOG/1691697/142833.html Like many of my generation, I remember being spanked as a child. What was particularly unfair was that the home of my childhood was an upside down house, in that the living space was on the second floor and my bedroom was on the first floor. So when my naughtiness factor overtaxed my mother’s patience, she would yell, tell me to go to my room, and then swat my behind as I started going down the stairs. There was no way to obey the go-to-the-room command without getting spanked. Sometime between my childhood and the time I became a mom, the attitude about spanking changed. Time-outs were in, and hitting was way out. I can guess that most of us have slipped a time or two (I can actually only remember spanking one of my kids once and I still feel awful about it.  I apologize to her every time the topic comes up but she thinks I am being ridiculous since she was three at the time and has no memory of the event. But I remember it all too well and feel really guilty). But new research supports the notion that spanking is just not an option when it comes to disciplining your child(ren).  The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends against spanking, and notes that children who were spanked are more likely to “become adults who are depressed, use alcohol, have more anger, hit their own children, hit their spouses, and engage in crime and violence”. And new research from the University of New Hampshire showed that children who were spanked during the four years of the study had lower IQ points than children who were not spanked. To be honest, one has to be careful when interpreting data from observational studies like these. The gold standard of research is to do a randomized controlled trial. But in this case, that would mean taking a group of children, telling half the parents to use spanking and the other half never to spank, and then follow the children to see how they do. This would obviously not be ethical or desirable in any way. So we have to rely on observational studies, and there could be some limitations on how you interpret the data. It could be that women with lower IQ’s, who are more likely to have children with lower IQ’s, tend to spank more. It could be that children with lower IQ’s act out more, thus aggravating their parents more and increasing the likelihood of spanking. Any of these possibilities exist, which made me cringe when the lead author of the UNH study was quoted as saying, “All parents want smart children. This research shows that avoiding spanking and correcting misbehavior in other ways can help that happen.”   None of the research has shown that in fact, avoiding spanking makes smarter kids. The research simply shows that the children of parents who avoid spanking have slightly higher IQ points than the children of parents who spank. But there is no advantage whatsoever of spanking. And as someone who was trained as a child psychologist, I can tell you that if you want to change a child’s behavior, punishing them for bad behavior is not nearly as effective as is rewarding them for good behavior. So if you see your five-year-old sneaking up on the cookie jar a half hour before dinner, you have two choices. You can either smack them after they take the cookie and hope that this will keep them from doing it the next time (it won’t), or you can tell them that if they carefully climb off the counter without taking the cookie, you will give them two cookies after dinner. Adults tend to spank children when they are on overload. So the next time you are feeling emotionally depleted and one of your kids truly pushes your button, take a deep breathe and walk away. Punch a pillow, go for a run, or sing at the top of your lungs. Do anything but spank. Your child’s body and mind will benefit. Like many of my generation, I remember being spanked as a child. What was particularly unfair was that the home of my childhood was an upside down house, in that the living space was on the second floor and my bedroom was on the first floor. So when my naughtiness factor overtaxed my mother’s patience, she would yell, tell me to go to my room, and then swat my behind as I started going down the stairs. There was no way to obey the go-to-the-room command without getting spanked. Sometime between my childhood and the time I became a mom, the attitude about spanking changed. Time-outs were in, and hitting was way out. I can guess that most of us have slipped a time or two (I can actually only remember spanking one of my kids once and I still feel awful about it.  I apologize to her every time the topic comes up but she thinks I am being ridiculous since she was three at the time and has no memory of the event. But I remember it all too well and feel really guilty). But new research supports the notion that spanking is just not an option when it comes to disciplining your child(ren).  The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends against spanking, and notes that children who were spanked are more likely to “become adults who are depressed, use alcohol, have more anger, hit their own children, hit their spouses, and engage in crime and violence”. And new research from the University of New Hampshire showed that children who were spanked during the four years of the study had lower IQ points than children who were not spanked. To be honest, one has to be careful when interpreting data from observational studies like these. The gold standard of research is to do a randomized controlled trial. But in this case, that would mean taking a group of children, telling half the parents to use spanking and the other half never to spank, and then follow the children to see how they do. This would obviously not be ethical or desirable in any way. So we have to rely on observational studies, and there could be some limitations on how you interpret the data. It could be that women with lower IQ’s, who are more likely to have children with lower IQ’s, tend to spank more. It could be that children with lower IQ’s act out more, thus aggravating their parents more and increasing the likelihood of spanking. Any of these possibilities exist, which made me cringe when the lead author of the UNH study was quoted as saying, “All parents want smart children. This research shows that avoiding spanking and correcting misbehavior in other ways can help that happen.”   None of the research has shown that in fact, avoiding spanking makes smarter kids. The research simply shows that the children of parents who avoid spanking have slightly higher IQ points than the children of parents who spank. But there is no advantage whatsoever of spanking. And as someone who was trained as a child psychologist, I can tell you that if you want to change a child’s behavior, punishing them for bad behavior is not nearly as effective as is rewarding them for good behavior. So if you see your five-year-old sneaking up on the cookie jar a half hour before dinner, you have two choices. You can either smack them after they take the cookie and hope that this will keep them from doing it the next time (it won’t), or you can tell them that if they carefully climb off the counter without taking the cookie, you will give them two cookies after dinner. Adults tend to spank children when they are on overload. So the next time you are feeling emotionally depleted and one of your kids truly pushes your button, take a deep breathe and walk away. Punch a pillow, go for a run, or sing at the top of your lungs. Do anything but spank. Your child’s body and mind will benefit. Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:20:44 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Please-Dont-Spank-Your-Child/BLOG/1691697/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-09-29T18:20:44Z BeWell Community Like many of my generation, I remember being spanked as a child. What was particularly unfair was that the home of my childhood was an upside down house, in that the living space was on the second floor and my bedroom was on the first floor. So when my naughtiness factor overtaxed my mother’s patience, she would yell, tell me to go to my room, and then swat my behind as I started going down the stairs. There was no way to obey the go-to-the-room command without getting spanked. Sometime between my childhood and the time I became a mom, the attitude about spanking changed. Time-outs were in, and hitting was way out. I can guess that most of us have slipped a time or two (I can actually only remember spanking one of my kids once and I still feel awful about it.  I apologize to her every time the topic comes up but she thinks I am being ridiculous since she was three at the time and has no memory of the event. But I remember it all too well and feel really guilty). But new research supports the notion that spanking is just not an option when it comes to disciplining your child(ren).  The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends against spanking, and notes that children who were spanked are more likely to “become adults who are depressed, use alcohol, have more anger, hit their own children, hit their spouses, and engage in crime and violence”. And new research from the University of New Hampshire showed that children who were spanked during the four years of the study had lower IQ points than children who were not spanked. To be honest, one has to be careful when interpreting data from observational studies like these. The gold standard of research is to do a randomized controlled trial. But in this case, that would mean taking a group of children, telling half the parents to use spanking and the other half never to spank, and then follow the children to see how they do. This would obviously not be ethical or desirable in any way. So we have to rely on observational studies, and there could be some limitations on how you interpret the data. It could be that women with lower IQ’s, who are more likely to have children with lower IQ’s, tend to spank more. It could be that children with lower IQ’s act out more, thus aggravating their parents more and increasing the likelihood of spanking. Any of these possibilities exist, which made me cringe when the lead author of the UNH study was quoted as saying, “All parents want smart children. This research shows that avoiding spanking and correcting misbehavior in other ways can help that happen.”   None of the research has shown that in fact, avoiding spanking makes smarter kids. The research simply shows that the children of parents who avoid spanking have slightly higher IQ points than the children of parents who spank. But there is no advantage whatsoever of spanking. And as someone who was trained as a child psychologist, I can tell you that if you want to change a child’s behavior, punishing them for bad behavior is not nearly as effective as is rewarding them for good behavior. So if you see your five-year-old sneaking up on the cookie jar a half hour before dinner, you have two choices. You can either smack them after they take the cookie and hope that this will keep them from doing it the next time (it won’t), or you can tell them that if they carefully climb off the counter without taking the cookie, you will give them two cookies after dinner. Adults tend to spank children when they are on overload. So the next time you are feeling emotionally depleted and one of your kids truly pushes your button, take a deep breathe and walk away. Punch a pillow, go for a run, or sing at the top of your lungs. Do anything but spank. Your child’s body and mind will benefit. nonadult false Please Don't Spank Your Child text blog 257 1 1.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 2 0 1691697 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_The-Taconic-Crash-Can-a-Parents-Worst-Nightmare-Be-Avoided/BLOG/1691695/142833.html The late July car accident in which a mother with five children in her car drove almost two miles the wrong way down a major highway before hitting an SUV head-on, killing the three men in the SUV, herself, and four of the children in her own car, drew headlines not only because of the horrific loss of life, but also because four small children died. Parents all over the country wondered how a mother entrusted not only with her two children but also her three nieces could have made such an enormous driving error. Going the wrong way down a ramp in foggy weather might be understandable, but driving that distance midday on a clear day, with dozens of cars coming toward her, meant that there was an enormous problem with her judgment. Her husband and other family members insist that she had a medical condition which caused her mental confusion, but autopsy and toxicology results revealed that she was apparently both drunk and high. Friends and family alike deny any known history of drug or alcohol abuse. It sounds as if she was indeed the perfect mother, the kind of person that any one would trust to watch or drive their child. That’s exactly what strikes terror in the hearts of all parents: If it could happen to the Schuler family, then maybe it means that it could have happened to any of us. Yet cell phone records now reveal that one of her nieces called her father and reported that her aunt was acting strangely. It is so sad that her niece didn’t demand that her aunt stop driving and let the children out of the car. In a similar case in Massachusetts last year, an aunt who was later reported to have bipolar disorder picked up her young niece and nephew from their parents’ house for an overnight, drove onto a major highway, pulled to the side of the road, took off all their clothes, then took the children’s hands and walked in front of oncoming traffic, killing all three. Is there something we can teach our children to help them recognize when they are in danger? I remember before I had my first child I read every parenting magazine I could get my hands on, including one article focused on play-date safety. Along with the routine questions about food allergies and dog fears, readers were advised to ask the host parents if they had any firearms in the house and, if so, were they appropriately locked up. Fast forward a few years when my daughter Sarah was invited on her first play-date. I remember looking at the phone receiver, wondering how I could possibly ask such a question. It felt too socially awkward. So I didn’t ask. Yet last year when we invited a friend of my younger daughter’s to our home, the pediatrician mom asked the question and it felt very natural. So the lesson I learned was that although something might sound socially awkward, one has to risk it if the issue is important enough. I truly trust the judgment of my two daughters, ages 13 and 8. And I believe that the vast majority of children have excellent intuition. So I believe that we need to reinforce with our children that they need to trust their gut feeling, no matter the potential for social awkwardness. Diane Schuler clearly fooled the adults in her life. But she might not have fooled the children. It makes sense to us all to teach our children to not accept rides from strangers, to scream if someone approaches them or tries to grab them, and to tell an adult if something has been done to them which made them feel uncomfortable. But we need to add something to this list: We need to tell our children that they are never to get in the car when they feel that the driver is not acting normally. And if they are in a car and the driver is not driving in a safe manner, they are to do anything possible to get the driver to pull over, even if it means lying and saying they need to throw up or go to the bathroom urgently. They can even take the driver’s cell phone and call 911 if they feel their life is in danger. I would bet that the authorities would far rather get a few overanxious kids calling 911 for no reason than to ever have to approach a burnt out minivan containing four dead children. The late July car accident in which a mother with five children in her car drove almost two miles the wrong way down a major highway before hitting an SUV head-on, killing the three men in the SUV, herself, and four of the children in her own car, drew headlines not only because of the horrific loss of life, but also because four small children died. Parents all over the country wondered how a mother entrusted not only with her two children but also her three nieces could have made such an enormous driving error. Going the wrong way down a ramp in foggy weather might be understandable, but driving that distance midday on a clear day, with dozens of cars coming toward her, meant that there was an enormous problem with her judgment. Her husband and other family members insist that she had a medical condition which caused her mental confusion, but autopsy and toxicology results revealed that she was apparently both drunk and high. Friends and family alike deny any known history of drug or alcohol abuse. It sounds as if she was indeed the perfect mother, the kind of person that any one would trust to watch or drive their child. That’s exactly what strikes terror in the hearts of all parents: If it could happen to the Schuler family, then maybe it means that it could have happened to any of us. Yet cell phone records now reveal that one of her nieces called her father and reported that her aunt was acting strangely. It is so sad that her niece didn’t demand that her aunt stop driving and let the children out of the car. In a similar case in Massachusetts last year, an aunt who was later reported to have bipolar disorder picked up her young niece and nephew from their parents’ house for an overnight, drove onto a major highway, pulled to the side of the road, took off all their clothes, then took the children’s hands and walked in front of oncoming traffic, killing all three. Is there something we can teach our children to help them recognize when they are in danger? I remember before I had my first child I read every parenting magazine I could get my hands on, including one article focused on play-date safety. Along with the routine questions about food allergies and dog fears, readers were advised to ask the host parents if they had any firearms in the house and, if so, were they appropriately locked up. Fast forward a few years when my daughter Sarah was invited on her first play-date. I remember looking at the phone receiver, wondering how I could possibly ask such a question. It felt too socially awkward. So I didn’t ask. Yet last year when we invited a friend of my younger daughter’s to our home, the pediatrician mom asked the question and it felt very natural. So the lesson I learned was that although something might sound socially awkward, one has to risk it if the issue is important enough. I truly trust the judgment of my two daughters, ages 13 and 8. And I believe that the vast majority of children have excellent intuition. So I believe that we need to reinforce with our children that they need to trust their gut feeling, no matter the potential for social awkwardness. Diane Schuler clearly fooled the adults in her life. But she might not have fooled the children. It makes sense to us all to teach our children to not accept rides from strangers, to scream if someone approaches them or tries to grab them, and to tell an adult if something has been done to them which made them feel uncomfortable. But we need to add something to this list: We need to tell our children that they are never to get in the car when they feel that the driver is not acting normally. And if they are in a car and the driver is not driving in a safe manner, they are to do anything possible to get the driver to pull over, even if it means lying and saying they need to throw up or go to the bathroom urgently. They can even take the driver’s cell phone and call 911 if they feel their life is in danger. I would bet that the authorities would far rather get a few overanxious kids calling 911 for no reason than to ever have to approach a burnt out minivan containing four dead children. Wed, 19 Aug 2009 15:02:18 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_The-Taconic-Crash-Can-a-Parents-Worst-Nightmare-Be-Avoided/BLOG/1691695/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-08-19T15:02:18Z BeWell Community The late July car accident in which a mother with five children in her car drove almost two miles the wrong way down a major highway before hitting an SUV head-on, killing the three men in the SUV, herself, and four of the children in her own car, drew headlines not only because of the horrific loss of life, but also because four small children died. Parents all over the country wondered how a mother entrusted not only with her two children but also her three nieces could have made such an enormous driving error. Going the wrong way down a ramp in foggy weather might be understandable, but driving that distance midday on a clear day, with dozens of cars coming toward her, meant that there was an enormous problem with her judgment. Her husband and other family members insist that she had a medical condition which caused her mental confusion, but autopsy and toxicology results revealed that she was apparently both drunk and high. Friends and family alike deny any known history of drug or alcohol abuse. It sounds as if she was indeed the perfect mother, the kind of person that any one would trust to watch or drive their child. That’s exactly what strikes terror in the hearts of all parents: If it could happen to the Schuler family, then maybe it means that it could have happened to any of us. Yet cell phone records now reveal that one of her nieces called her father and reported that her aunt was acting strangely. It is so sad that her niece didn’t demand that her aunt stop driving and let the children out of the car. In a similar case in Massachusetts last year, an aunt who was later reported to have bipolar disorder picked up her young niece and nephew from their parents’ house for an overnight, drove onto a major highway, pulled to the side of the road, took off all their clothes, then took the children’s hands and walked in front of oncoming traffic, killing all three. Is there something we can teach our children to help them recognize when they are in danger? I remember before I had my first child I read every parenting magazine I could get my hands on, including one article focused on play-date safety. Along with the routine questions about food allergies and dog fears, readers were advised to ask the host parents if they had any firearms in the house and, if so, were they appropriately locked up. Fast forward a few years when my daughter Sarah was invited on her first play-date. I remember looking at the phone receiver, wondering how I could possibly ask such a question. It felt too socially awkward. So I didn’t ask. Yet last year when we invited a friend of my younger daughter’s to our home, the pediatrician mom asked the question and it felt very natural. So the lesson I learned was that although something might sound socially awkward, one has to risk it if the issue is important enough. I truly trust the judgment of my two daughters, ages 13 and 8. And I believe that the vast majority of children have excellent intuition. So I believe that we need to reinforce with our children that they need to trust their gut feeling, no matter the potential for social awkwardness. Diane Schuler clearly fooled the adults in her life. But she might not have fooled the children. It makes sense to us all to teach our children to not accept rides from strangers, to scream if someone approaches them or tries to grab them, and to tell an adult if something has been done to them which made them feel uncomfortable. But we need to add something to this list: We need to tell our children that they are never to get in the car when they feel that the driver is not acting normally. And if they are in a car and the driver is not driving in a safe manner, they are to do anything possible to get the driver to pull over, even if it means lying and saying they need to throw up or go to the bathroom urgently. They can even take the driver’s cell phone and call 911 if they feel their life is in danger. I would bet that the authorities would far rather get a few overanxious kids calling 911 for no reason than to ever have to approach a burnt out minivan containing four dead children. nonadult false The Taconic Crash: Can a Parent's Worst Nightmare Be Avoided? text blog 151 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691695 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Sail-AwayFrom-Stress-Making-the-Most-of-Your-Vacation-or-Staycation/BLOG/1691715/142833.html Like many people, I am preparing to head off on vacation later this week.  My husband, two daughters,  and I are going close by to a rental house on Cape Cod, so it is only about a two hour drive from our home. It always puzzles my eight year old that Cape Cod is such a different world, yet the cars still have Massachusetts plates. And we pay in dollars! As I keep five separate to-do lists going (Sarah's packing list, Katie's packing list, our family packing list, food/linen list, and work-to-do-before-I-leave list), I find myself wondering if it is worth it. Does the stress of preparing to go away, and the stress of catching up when I return, outweigh the benefits of beach time? The answer, according to research, is overwhelmingly yes. Vacations are good for our mental health. And the reason is probably not just the benefits one receives from being in a different venue with hopefully fewer tasks and responsibilities, but perhaps more so the distinct pleasure one gets anticipating the break. Research on happiness shows that anticipating a pleasurable event is a huge positive contributor to the benefit of that event.  Being surprised by a vacation in the very near future does not give you nearly the pleasure of anticipating it for some time. So if it is truly the anticipation of a pleasurable event which provides so much happiness, what does that mean for the millions of Americans who are unable to go away this summer due to financial limitations? My guess is that it might be less the act of going away, per se, which makes us want to go on vacation and benefit from the trip, but instead the fact that our responsibilities are fewer or at least different, that we will experience new things, and either be with people we don’t see on a day to day basis or meet new people. Thus, whether you are going away this summer or experiencing a 'staycation,' your main goal should be to plan it in such a way as to maximize the salivating factor. Think carefully about what makes you laugh, what gives you peace of mind, what thrills you, and what makes you drool.  Then carefully plan your time off to give you as much of that as possible. I have had many at-home weekends where I had more fun than a week away. You need to be creative, bold, and adventurous. Enjoy! Like many people, I am preparing to head off on vacation later this week.  My husband, two daughters,  and I are going close by to a rental house on Cape Cod, so it is only about a two hour drive from our home. It always puzzles my eight year old that Cape Cod is such a different world, yet the cars still have Massachusetts plates. And we pay in dollars! As I keep five separate to-do lists going (Sarah's packing list, Katie's packing list, our family packing list, food/linen list, and work-to-do-before-I-leave list), I find myself wondering if it is worth it. Does the stress of preparing to go away, and the stress of catching up when I return, outweigh the benefits of beach time? The answer, according to research, is overwhelmingly yes. Vacations are good for our mental health. And the reason is probably not just the benefits one receives from being in a different venue with hopefully fewer tasks and responsibilities, but perhaps more so the distinct pleasure one gets anticipating the break. Research on happiness shows that anticipating a pleasurable event is a huge positive contributor to the benefit of that event.  Being surprised by a vacation in the very near future does not give you nearly the pleasure of anticipating it for some time. So if it is truly the anticipation of a pleasurable event which provides so much happiness, what does that mean for the millions of Americans who are unable to go away this summer due to financial limitations? My guess is that it might be less the act of going away, per se, which makes us want to go on vacation and benefit from the trip, but instead the fact that our responsibilities are fewer or at least different, that we will experience new things, and either be with people we don’t see on a day to day basis or meet new people. Thus, whether you are going away this summer or experiencing a 'staycation,' your main goal should be to plan it in such a way as to maximize the salivating factor. Think carefully about what makes you laugh, what gives you peace of mind, what thrills you, and what makes you drool.  Then carefully plan your time off to give you as much of that as possible. I have had many at-home weekends where I had more fun than a week away. You need to be creative, bold, and adventurous. Enjoy! Thu, 09 Jul 2009 19:28:46 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Sail-AwayFrom-Stress-Making-the-Most-of-Your-Vacation-or-Staycation/BLOG/1691715/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-07-09T19:28:46Z BeWell Community Like many people, I am preparing to head off on vacation later this week.  My husband, two daughters,  and I are going close by to a rental house on Cape Cod, so it is only about a two hour drive from our home. It always puzzles my eight year old that Cape Cod is such a different world, yet the cars still have Massachusetts plates. And we pay in dollars! As I keep five separate to-do lists going (Sarah's packing list, Katie's packing list, our family packing list, food/linen list, and work-to-do-before-I-leave list), I find myself wondering if it is worth it. Does the stress of preparing to go away, and the stress of catching up when I return, outweigh the benefits of beach time? The answer, according to research, is overwhelmingly yes. Vacations are good for our mental health. And the reason is probably not just the benefits one receives from being in a different venue with hopefully fewer tasks and responsibilities, but perhaps more so the distinct pleasure one gets anticipating the break. Research on happiness shows that anticipating a pleasurable event is a huge positive contributor to the benefit of that event.  Being surprised by a vacation in the very near future does not give you nearly the pleasure of anticipating it for some time. So if it is truly the anticipation of a pleasurable event which provides so much happiness, what does that mean for the millions of Americans who are unable to go away this summer due to financial limitations? My guess is that it might be less the act of going away, per se, which makes us want to go on vacation and benefit from the trip, but instead the fact that our responsibilities are fewer or at least different, that we will experience new things, and either be with people we don’t see on a day to day basis or meet new people. Thus, whether you are going away this summer or experiencing a 'staycation,' your main goal should be to plan it in such a way as to maximize the salivating factor. Think carefully about what makes you laugh, what gives you peace of mind, what thrills you, and what makes you drool.  Then carefully plan your time off to give you as much of that as possible. I have had many at-home weekends where I had more fun than a week away. You need to be creative, bold, and adventurous. Enjoy! nonadult false Sail Away...From Stress: Making the Most of Your Vacation (or Staycation) text blog 156 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691715 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Fathers-Day-for-Men-Who-Are-Involuntarily-Childless/BLOG/1691707/142833.html I spend a lot of my time with individuals and couples who are struggling with infertility. The vast majority of the research on the psychological aspects of infertility are focused on women. Yet most of them have a male partner who remains mostly silent. But don't confuse their silence with a lack of pain. I have handed tissues to many men who are suffering tremendously with their infertility. It doesn't matter if it is an egg issue, a sperm issue, or a combo of the two. Going through infertility as the male partner is a complicated and often lonely process. First of all, most men are loathe to discuss their problem with any of their friends. Although many infertile women can't stop talking about their problem, and readily share details with family and friends alike, their partners usually keep their experiences to themselves. It just doesn't seem to fit in with the normal male-speak of sports and politics. Second, a lot of the men in an infertile couple feel that they need to be the rock in the relationship. I have had many husbands sit in my office, devastated by the latest negative pregnancy test, but vow to not burden their wives with their pain because as one of them said to me, 'If I fall apart, then there is no one strong in our relationship. One of us needs to hold it together.' In couples where there is a significant sperm problem, most modern treatments involve basically making the wife super-fertile to compensate. So in effect you take a reproductively normal woman, give her injectable medications so that she produces multiple eggs, surgically remove those eggs, and then inject one sperm into each egg. The wife might well feel resentful that she has to be poked and prodded even though she is normal, and the husband is probably overcome with guilt that she has to go through so much because of his problem. But frequently neither expresses those emotions, leaving them both to suffer in silence. So Father's Day can be as much of an agonizing day to the men in infertile couples as to women on Mother's Day. The drive to be a dad is strong, and many people tend to forget the feelings of the man as they pursue their journey to be parents. So this Father's Day, please remember that every man who wants to be a dad has not yet reached that goal. Provide support, encouragement, and most of all share his sorrow. I spend a lot of my time with individuals and couples who are struggling with infertility. The vast majority of the research on the psychological aspects of infertility are focused on women. Yet most of them have a male partner who remains mostly silent. But don't confuse their silence with a lack of pain. I have handed tissues to many men who are suffering tremendously with their infertility. It doesn't matter if it is an egg issue, a sperm issue, or a combo of the two. Going through infertility as the male partner is a complicated and often lonely process. First of all, most men are loathe to discuss their problem with any of their friends. Although many infertile women can't stop talking about their problem, and readily share details with family and friends alike, their partners usually keep their experiences to themselves. It just doesn't seem to fit in with the normal male-speak of sports and politics. Second, a lot of the men in an infertile couple feel that they need to be the rock in the relationship. I have had many husbands sit in my office, devastated by the latest negative pregnancy test, but vow to not burden their wives with their pain because as one of them said to me, 'If I fall apart, then there is no one strong in our relationship. One of us needs to hold it together.' In couples where there is a significant sperm problem, most modern treatments involve basically making the wife super-fertile to compensate. So in effect you take a reproductively normal woman, give her injectable medications so that she produces multiple eggs, surgically remove those eggs, and then inject one sperm into each egg. The wife might well feel resentful that she has to be poked and prodded even though she is normal, and the husband is probably overcome with guilt that she has to go through so much because of his problem. But frequently neither expresses those emotions, leaving them both to suffer in silence. So Father's Day can be as much of an agonizing day to the men in infertile couples as to women on Mother's Day. The drive to be a dad is strong, and many people tend to forget the feelings of the man as they pursue their journey to be parents. So this Father's Day, please remember that every man who wants to be a dad has not yet reached that goal. Provide support, encouragement, and most of all share his sorrow. Fri, 19 Jun 2009 20:05:42 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Fathers-Day-for-Men-Who-Are-Involuntarily-Childless/BLOG/1691707/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-06-19T20:05:42Z BeWell Community I spend a lot of my time with individuals and couples who are struggling with infertility. The vast majority of the research on the psychological aspects of infertility are focused on women. Yet most of them have a male partner who remains mostly silent. But don't confuse their silence with a lack of pain. I have handed tissues to many men who are suffering tremendously with their infertility. It doesn't matter if it is an egg issue, a sperm issue, or a combo of the two. Going through infertility as the male partner is a complicated and often lonely process. First of all, most men are loathe to discuss their problem with any of their friends. Although many infertile women can't stop talking about their problem, and readily share details with family and friends alike, their partners usually keep their experiences to themselves. It just doesn't seem to fit in with the normal male-speak of sports and politics. Second, a lot of the men in an infertile couple feel that they need to be the rock in the relationship. I have had many husbands sit in my office, devastated by the latest negative pregnancy test, but vow to not burden their wives with their pain because as one of them said to me, 'If I fall apart, then there is no one strong in our relationship. One of us needs to hold it together.' In couples where there is a significant sperm problem, most modern treatments involve basically making the wife super-fertile to compensate. So in effect you take a reproductively normal woman, give her injectable medications so that she produces multiple eggs, surgically remove those eggs, and then inject one sperm into each egg. The wife might well feel resentful that she has to be poked and prodded even though she is normal, and the husband is probably overcome with guilt that she has to go through so much because of his problem. But frequently neither expresses those emotions, leaving them both to suffer in silence. So Father's Day can be as much of an agonizing day to the men in infertile couples as to women on Mother's Day. The drive to be a dad is strong, and many people tend to forget the feelings of the man as they pursue their journey to be parents. So this Father's Day, please remember that every man who wants to be a dad has not yet reached that goal. Provide support, encouragement, and most of all share his sorrow. nonadult false Father's Day for Men Who Are Involuntarily Childless text blog 144 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691707 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Elizabeth-Edwards-A-Lesson-in-Unimaginable-Resilience/BLOG/1691705/142833.html If you asked any wife and mother what her top three fears are, I bet that they are: 1) the death of one of her children, 2) her own diagnosis of a terminal illness before her children reach adulthood, and 3) the infidelity of her husband. I know people who have experienced one of these traumas, but I know of no one who has experienced all three. Except for Elizabeth Edwards. The pain she has experienced since the death of her son Wade is incomprehensible. As a therapist, I know that if she were my patient, I would feel virtually powerless to help her feel better. How do you cope with such tragedy, over and over and over? I spend hours each week working with women in crisis and I say the same thing to each one: 'I am going to teach you techniques and skills which you can use to help you feel better. I am not going to make you better. You are.' I don't know, though, if anything in my repertoire of skills would work for someone who has endured all three traumas. Elizabeth Edwards has shown such strength and is modeling a degree of sacrifice that is simply staggering. But I know what is helping her. In every interview she has given in the past few weeks to promote her new book Resilience, she has spoken of the support and love that John showed, and shows, in the face of her illness. She gives examples of what kind of father he is, and how present a figure he is in his family. And she always gives the impression that she has forgiven him for the hurt he has caused her and their children. Whether or not she has forgiven him is actually not my business, nor anyone else's. Personally, I am completely intolerant of infidelity and, in the vast majority of situations, I would favor kicking him out and socking it to him financially. But this is not a normal situation. She has a terminal illness. And she has three children, two of whom are under the age of 12.  So the reason she has to at least say that she has forgiven him is that her love for her children is tantamount. She cares more for her children than she cares about his infidelity. Since she knows that she is in all likelihood not going to see her two youngest children into adulthood, she has to over-involve their father in their lives. I had a patient years ago who was diagnosed with breast cancer when her son was a year old. Despite receiving aggressive treatment, several years later she found out that the cancer had spread to her liver. She knew that she was going to die, so she and her husband began a slow transition; so carefully that their son didn't notice, his dad began to take over more and more of the parenting. I can't say that her death was easy for him in any way, but the bond he had with his dad, and the fact that his father could effortlessly care for him, made things a lot easier on them both. If Elizabeth were to act the way she probably wants to, her instinct would be to punish John by keeping him away from the family they created together. She has every right to want to hurt him. But doing that would hurt her children even more. So this amazing woman is doing what every mother would like to believe she would do: she is putting her own needs, and probably her pride and moral core, aside because of the love she has for her children. We should all be in awe. If you asked any wife and mother what her top three fears are, I bet that they are: 1) the death of one of her children, 2) her own diagnosis of a terminal illness before her children reach adulthood, and 3) the infidelity of her husband. I know people who have experienced one of these traumas, but I know of no one who has experienced all three. Except for Elizabeth Edwards. The pain she has experienced since the death of her son Wade is incomprehensible. As a therapist, I know that if she were my patient, I would feel virtually powerless to help her feel better. How do you cope with such tragedy, over and over and over? I spend hours each week working with women in crisis and I say the same thing to each one: 'I am going to teach you techniques and skills which you can use to help you feel better. I am not going to make you better. You are.' I don't know, though, if anything in my repertoire of skills would work for someone who has endured all three traumas. Elizabeth Edwards has shown such strength and is modeling a degree of sacrifice that is simply staggering. But I know what is helping her. In every interview she has given in the past few weeks to promote her new book Resilience, she has spoken of the support and love that John showed, and shows, in the face of her illness. She gives examples of what kind of father he is, and how present a figure he is in his family. And she always gives the impression that she has forgiven him for the hurt he has caused her and their children. Whether or not she has forgiven him is actually not my business, nor anyone else's. Personally, I am completely intolerant of infidelity and, in the vast majority of situations, I would favor kicking him out and socking it to him financially. But this is not a normal situation. She has a terminal illness. And she has three children, two of whom are under the age of 12.  So the reason she has to at least say that she has forgiven him is that her love for her children is tantamount. She cares more for her children than she cares about his infidelity. Since she knows that she is in all likelihood not going to see her two youngest children into adulthood, she has to over-involve their father in their lives. I had a patient years ago who was diagnosed with breast cancer when her son was a year old. Despite receiving aggressive treatment, several years later she found out that the cancer had spread to her liver. She knew that she was going to die, so she and her husband began a slow transition; so carefully that their son didn't notice, his dad began to take over more and more of the parenting. I can't say that her death was easy for him in any way, but the bond he had with his dad, and the fact that his father could effortlessly care for him, made things a lot easier on them both. If Elizabeth were to act the way she probably wants to, her instinct would be to punish John by keeping him away from the family they created together. She has every right to want to hurt him. But doing that would hurt her children even more. So this amazing woman is doing what every mother would like to believe she would do: she is putting her own needs, and probably her pride and moral core, aside because of the love she has for her children. We should all be in awe. Tue, 19 May 2009 18:12:22 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Elizabeth-Edwards-A-Lesson-in-Unimaginable-Resilience/BLOG/1691705/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-05-19T18:12:22Z BeWell Community If you asked any wife and mother what her top three fears are, I bet that they are: 1) the death of one of her children, 2) her own diagnosis of a terminal illness before her children reach adulthood, and 3) the infidelity of her husband. I know people who have experienced one of these traumas, but I know of no one who has experienced all three. Except for Elizabeth Edwards. The pain she has experienced since the death of her son Wade is incomprehensible. As a therapist, I know that if she were my patient, I would feel virtually powerless to help her feel better. How do you cope with such tragedy, over and over and over? I spend hours each week working with women in crisis and I say the same thing to each one: 'I am going to teach you techniques and skills which you can use to help you feel better. I am not going to make you better. You are.' I don't know, though, if anything in my repertoire of skills would work for someone who has endured all three traumas. Elizabeth Edwards has shown such strength and is modeling a degree of sacrifice that is simply staggering. But I know what is helping her. In every interview she has given in the past few weeks to promote her new book Resilience, she has spoken of the support and love that John showed, and shows, in the face of her illness. She gives examples of what kind of father he is, and how present a figure he is in his family. And she always gives the impression that she has forgiven him for the hurt he has caused her and their children. Whether or not she has forgiven him is actually not my business, nor anyone else's. Personally, I am completely intolerant of infidelity and, in the vast majority of situations, I would favor kicking him out and socking it to him financially. But this is not a normal situation. She has a terminal illness. And she has three children, two of whom are under the age of 12.  So the reason she has to at least say that she has forgiven him is that her love for her children is tantamount. She cares more for her children than she cares about his infidelity. Since she knows that she is in all likelihood not going to see her two youngest children into adulthood, she has to over-involve their father in their lives. I had a patient years ago who was diagnosed with breast cancer when her son was a year old. Despite receiving aggressive treatment, several years later she found out that the cancer had spread to her liver. She knew that she was going to die, so she and her husband began a slow transition; so carefully that their son didn't notice, his dad began to take over more and more of the parenting. I can't say that her death was easy for him in any way, but the bond he had with his dad, and the fact that his father could effortlessly care for him, made things a lot easier on them both. If Elizabeth were to act the way she probably wants to, her instinct would be to punish John by keeping him away from the family they created together. She has every right to want to hurt him. But doing that would hurt her children even more. So this amazing woman is doing what every mother would like to believe she would do: she is putting her own needs, and probably her pride and moral core, aside because of the love she has for her children. We should all be in awe. nonadult false Elizabeth Edwards: A Lesson in Unimaginable Resilience text blog 120 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691705 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Mourning-the-Loss-of-a-Parent-Theres-No-Right-Way/BLOG/1691703/142833.html Around the time my mother died, I read somewhere that the average age to lose a parent is 46 in the U.S. That was my exact age when my mom passed, so it felt oddly reassuring to be considered normal, especially since most of those around me seemed to still have their parental units intact. My father died seven years before my mother, so I have been in the unenviable position of being one of the few in my group of friends who is an orphan. I know it sounds odd to describe an adult as an orphan, but that is literally the first thought that crossed my mind as my mother died. When she took her last breath, I looked up at my sister and said 'wow, we're orphans.' Being an adult orphan is tougher than one might expect. You feel vulnerable to the extreme, even if you have been independent for years or had reversed roles and were caring for your parents before they died. Since I am the veteran parent-loser in my peer group, I have become the go-to person for support when one of them loses a parent. My personal experience combined with my work as a therapist counseling many grieving patients has given me a richer understanding of the complexities of this journey that we all travel eventually. There is no doubt in my mind that there is no right way to mourn the loss of a parent. There are so many mediating factors. My impression is that both the way your parents died (sudden and unexpected versus a long horrific illness versus the last stage of dementia), as well as the quality of your relationship with them, have a huge impact on how you cope in the months and years after your loss. I've lost a parent both ways: my father died relatively suddenly with no opportunity for reflection or the chance to say goodbye, and my mother passed away after a long battle with breast cancer. I don’t think overall one is any better than the other. I sense my father's death was easier for him, since he didn't have to suffer or anticipate his mortality, but it was harder for the rest of the family, as we didn't have the opportunity to say certain things. My mother's death was very difficult for her and she suffered so much physically. But during the last months and weeks of her life, my sister and I had the chance to talk to her and simply to make extra time to be with her. When a parent dies suddenly, you're caught off guard, which makes coming to terms with your loss and managing the resultant turmoil and decisions all the more difficult. Just as hard, though, is the unexpected guilt you might feel after the death of a parent who has died from a long illness, knowing that their (and your) suffering is over. Don't ever feel guilty about that relief. It is normal and natural to want suffering to stop. And not just theirs...your own, too. My husband and I have two friends who are currently struggling with a parent who is losing the battle with cancer. Both of them have independently told me that they are feeling incredible guilt. Most of their guilt is from the inability to be with their parent as much as they would like, as they're simultaneously juggling the demands of small children/job/home/pets. I am always telling my patients, no matter what they have come in to see me for, that their actions should be guided by behaviors which are the least likely to cause regret in the future. If you drop everything to be with your sick parent, is that the best decision for everyone in your life? Trying to achieve a balance between the desire to be with your parent and the necessities of life is tricky, and it is perfectly natural that after your parent dies to experience relief that you are no longer being pulled in two opposite directions. Please don't allow yourself to feel guilty. Grieving over such a huge loss is enough. The quality of the relationship you had with your parent is also going to have a huge impact on the grieving process. There are many types of parent-child relationships, but those which are less than ideal make the grieving process so very complicated. I had a fantastic mother and when she died, all I felt was pure grief. I missed our calls, I missed watching her with my daughters, I missed going out to eat and shopping together. But the grieving was pure: I simply missed her like crazy. My father and I on the other hand had had a very difficult relationship. We were not close at all. I clearly remember after he died looking at all the flowers I had received from loved ones, and feeling guilty about receiving all those flowers, since I didn’t feel I was grieving enough to deserve them. That guilt -- plus all the tangled emotions I felt toward him -- made the next year a whirlwind of ups and downs. We are allowed to have negative emotions about a parent; parents make mistakes, they can be selfish or cruel, critical or aloof. If you have anger or resentment while they are alive, do not put pressure on yourself to put them up on a pedestal after they are gone. A father who was an alcoholic while he was alive should not in your mind become the sober parent after he is gone. As you process your emotions after the death of a parent, disregard all your preconceived notions about how you are supposed to feel. There is no right way to mourn, and there is no correct time to feel sad. You are mourning the way you need to mourn. Although this is a right of life passage for everyone, the relationship you had with your parent is unique to you. Around the time my mother died, I read somewhere that the average age to lose a parent is 46 in the U.S. That was my exact age when my mom passed, so it felt oddly reassuring to be considered normal, especially since most of those around me seemed to still have their parental units intact. My father died seven years before my mother, so I have been in the unenviable position of being one of the few in my group of friends who is an orphan. I know it sounds odd to describe an adult as an orphan, but that is literally the first thought that crossed my mind as my mother died. When she took her last breath, I looked up at my sister and said 'wow, we're orphans.' Being an adult orphan is tougher than one might expect. You feel vulnerable to the extreme, even if you have been independent for years or had reversed roles and were caring for your parents before they died. Since I am the veteran parent-loser in my peer group, I have become the go-to person for support when one of them loses a parent. My personal experience combined with my work as a therapist counseling many grieving patients has given me a richer understanding of the complexities of this journey that we all travel eventually. There is no doubt in my mind that there is no right way to mourn the loss of a parent. There are so many mediating factors. My impression is that both the way your parents died (sudden and unexpected versus a long horrific illness versus the last stage of dementia), as well as the quality of your relationship with them, have a huge impact on how you cope in the months and years after your loss. I've lost a parent both ways: my father died relatively suddenly with no opportunity for reflection or the chance to say goodbye, and my mother passed away after a long battle with breast cancer. I don’t think overall one is any better than the other. I sense my father's death was easier for him, since he didn't have to suffer or anticipate his mortality, but it was harder for the rest of the family, as we didn't have the opportunity to say certain things. My mother's death was very difficult for her and she suffered so much physically. But during the last months and weeks of her life, my sister and I had the chance to talk to her and simply to make extra time to be with her. When a parent dies suddenly, you're caught off guard, which makes coming to terms with your loss and managing the resultant turmoil and decisions all the more difficult. Just as hard, though, is the unexpected guilt you might feel after the death of a parent who has died from a long illness, knowing that their (and your) suffering is over. Don't ever feel guilty about that relief. It is normal and natural to want suffering to stop. And not just theirs...your own, too. My husband and I have two friends who are currently struggling with a parent who is losing the battle with cancer. Both of them have independently told me that they are feeling incredible guilt. Most of their guilt is from the inability to be with their parent as much as they would like, as they're simultaneously juggling the demands of small children/job/home/pets. I am always telling my patients, no matter what they have come in to see me for, that their actions should be guided by behaviors which are the least likely to cause regret in the future. If you drop everything to be with your sick parent, is that the best decision for everyone in your life? Trying to achieve a balance between the desire to be with your parent and the necessities of life is tricky, and it is perfectly natural that after your parent dies to experience relief that you are no longer being pulled in two opposite directions. Please don't allow yourself to feel guilty. Grieving over such a huge loss is enough. The quality of the relationship you had with your parent is also going to have a huge impact on the grieving process. There are many types of parent-child relationships, but those which are less than ideal make the grieving process so very complicated. I had a fantastic mother and when she died, all I felt was pure grief. I missed our calls, I missed watching her with my daughters, I missed going out to eat and shopping together. But the grieving was pure: I simply missed her like crazy. My father and I on the other hand had had a very difficult relationship. We were not close at all. I clearly remember after he died looking at all the flowers I had received from loved ones, and feeling guilty about receiving all those flowers, since I didn’t feel I was grieving enough to deserve them. That guilt -- plus all the tangled emotions I felt toward him -- made the next year a whirlwind of ups and downs. We are allowed to have negative emotions about a parent; parents make mistakes, they can be selfish or cruel, critical or aloof. If you have anger or resentment while they are alive, do not put pressure on yourself to put them up on a pedestal after they are gone. A father who was an alcoholic while he was alive should not in your mind become the sober parent after he is gone. As you process your emotions after the death of a parent, disregard all your preconceived notions about how you are supposed to feel. There is no right way to mourn, and there is no correct time to feel sad. You are mourning the way you need to mourn. Although this is a right of life passage for everyone, the relationship you had with your parent is unique to you. Tue, 12 May 2009 19:18:18 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Mourning-the-Loss-of-a-Parent-Theres-No-Right-Way/BLOG/1691703/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-05-12T19:18:18Z BeWell Community Around the time my mother died, I read somewhere that the average age to lose a parent is 46 in the U.S. That was my exact age when my mom passed, so it felt oddly reassuring to be considered normal, especially since most of those around me seemed to still have their parental units intact. My father died seven years before my mother, so I have been in the unenviable position of being one of the few in my group of friends who is an orphan. I know it sounds odd to describe an adult as an orphan, but that is literally the first thought that crossed my mind as my mother died. When she took her last breath, I looked up at my sister and said 'wow, we're orphans.' Being an adult orphan is tougher than one might expect. You feel vulnerable to the extreme, even if you have been independent for years or had reversed roles and were caring for your parents before they died. Since I am the veteran parent-loser in my peer group, I have become the go-to person for support when one of them loses a parent. My personal experience combined with my work as a therapist counseling many grieving patients has given me a richer understanding of the complexities of this journey that we all travel eventually. There is no doubt in my mind that there is no right way to mourn the loss of a parent. There are so many mediating factors. My impression is that both the way your parents died (sudden and unexpected versus a long horrific illness versus the last stage of dementia), as well as the quality of your relationship with them, have a huge impact on how you cope in the months and years after your loss. I've lost a parent both ways: my father died relatively suddenly with no opportunity for reflection or the chance to say goodbye, and my mother passed away after a long battle with breast cancer. I don’t think overall one is any better than the other. I sense my father's death was easier for him, since he didn't have to suffer or anticipate his mortality, but it was harder for the rest of the family, as we didn't have the opportunity to say certain things. My mother's death was very difficult for her and she suffered so much physically. But during the last months and weeks of her life, my sister and I had the chance to talk to her and simply to make extra time to be with her. When a parent dies suddenly, you're caught off guard, which makes coming to terms with your loss and managing the resultant turmoil and decisions all the more difficult. Just as hard, though, is the unexpected guilt you might feel after the death of a parent who has died from a long illness, knowing that their (and your) suffering is over. Don't ever feel guilty about that relief. It is normal and natural to want suffering to stop. And not just theirs...your own, too. My husband and I have two friends who are currently struggling with a parent who is losing the battle with cancer. Both of them have independently told me that they are feeling incredible guilt. Most of their guilt is from the inability to be with their parent as much as they would like, as they're simultaneously juggling the demands of small children/job/home/pets. I am always telling my patients, no matter what they have come in to see me for, that their actions should be guided by behaviors which are the least likely to cause regret in the future. If you drop everything to be with your sick parent, is that the best decision for everyone in your life? Trying to achieve a balance between the desire to be with your parent and the necessities of life is tricky, and it is perfectly natural that after your parent dies to experience relief that you are no longer being pulled in two opposite directions. Please don't allow yourself to feel guilty. Grieving over such a huge loss is enough. The quality of the relationship you had with your parent is also going to have a huge impact on the grieving process. There are many types of parent-child relationships, but those which are less than ideal make the grieving process so very complicated. I had a fantastic mother and when she died, all I felt was pure grief. I missed our calls, I missed watching her with my daughters, I missed going out to eat and shopping together. But the grieving was pure: I simply missed her like crazy. My father and I on the other hand had had a very difficult relationship. We were not close at all. I clearly remember after he died looking at all the flowers I had received from loved ones, and feeling guilty about receiving all those flowers, since I didn’t feel I was grieving enough to deserve them. That guilt -- plus all the tangled emotions I felt toward him -- made the next year a whirlwind of ups and downs. We are allowed to have negative emotions about a parent; parents make mistakes, they can be selfish or cruel, critical or aloof. If you have anger or resentment while they are alive, do not put pressure on yourself to put them up on a pedestal after they are gone. A father who was an alcoholic while he was alive should not in your mind become the sober parent after he is gone. As you process your emotions after the death of a parent, disregard all your preconceived notions about how you are supposed to feel. There is no right way to mourn, and there is no correct time to feel sad. You are mourning the way you need to mourn. Although this is a right of life passage for everyone, the relationship you had with your parent is unique to you. nonadult false Mourning the Loss of a Parent: There's No "Right" Way text blog 130 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691703 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Mothers-Day-for-the-Mother-Less/BLOG/1691701/142833.html The weeks before Mother's Day are filled with advertisements for gorgeous jewelry and flowers. But it's the ads for the greeting cards that grab my attention. Even the most jaded adolescent girl can apparently find a card to express her adoration of her perfect mother, and in every commercial, the mom opens her cards surrounded by a loving husband and cherubic children. For many years, all the focus on Mother's Day concerned me since I have so many patients struggling with infertility. For them, this holiday is like salt on an open wound -- having to endure a holiday that celebrates what they so desperately can't experience. But since my own mother died four years ago, I have begun to notice another aspect of this day: the pain it causes those of us who don't have the perfect mother, either because of death or because our mother doesn't seem to own that mothering gene. One of my patients was talking to me recently about her definition of what a mother should be. She had come up with three expectations: trust, compassion, and respect. I told her that I would add one more: unconditional love. We then went on to talk about the challenges one faces when one has a mother who is unwilling, or unable, to meet all or even some of those roles. Her mother was unable to meet any of these. She solved the problem by establishing wonderful friendships and told me that, other than the unconditional love part, she felt that her friends could in effect be surrogate moms. After the appointment was over, I began to think about our universal need to be mothered and how one copes when that person is missing in our lives? Some people miss it from the start; they might have a mother who is overwhelmed by the demands in her life and simply can't adequately mother her children. Some mothers are narcissistic and the needs of their children can't possibly compete with her need to focus on herself. And some of us have had mothers who did fill all of our needs, but they are gone.  I had a mother who was extraordinary. She provided all of the things a mother should, but she also modeled for me an ability to not only focus on her husband and children, but many other people in her life. She was a giver but she never depleted herself. She was clear about her limits (and mine! Just one look was enough to set me straight most of the time) but she also nurtured herself without guilt. But what was truly amazing about her agility as a parent was that she had never been mothered. My mother was born into a family in Germany where her own mother was the single focus. I would now venture a guess that her mother had a narcissistic personality disorder, but the end result was that my mother only saw her mother once each evening, when her mother would swoop into the nursery to kiss her good night. Yet despite the fact that my mother never was the recipient of that unconditional love all children crave, she was able to parent and share her heart apparently effortlessly. It strikes me as extraordinary that a person who never experienced mothering herself was able to turn it around in such a positive way. So if you are someone who is mother-less this Mother's Day, either literally or figuratively, perhaps it is a good occasion to figure out how you can get your mothering needs met. Like my patient, really good friends can meet many of your needs. A supportive, loving, caring partner can as well. But perhaps it is also okay to look outside the box. Do you have other relatives who would love to include you in their lives? Do you know other women who would welcome a closer, warmer relationship with you? I have actually found that my 13-year-old daughter has started watching out for me. I work from home two days a week and have a bad habit of getting so caught up in my work that I forget to eat lunch. The first question Sarah asks me when she gets home from school is if I have eaten lunch yet. And if the answer is no, I get 'that look' (which she inherited from my mother) and I am marched into the kitchen. This Mother's Day spend some time thinking about how you can get your mothering needs met, and celebrate not necessarily only the woman who gave birth to you, but all the women in your life who love you. The weeks before Mother's Day are filled with advertisements for gorgeous jewelry and flowers. But it's the ads for the greeting cards that grab my attention. Even the most jaded adolescent girl can apparently find a card to express her adoration of her perfect mother, and in every commercial, the mom opens her cards surrounded by a loving husband and cherubic children. For many years, all the focus on Mother's Day concerned me since I have so many patients struggling with infertility. For them, this holiday is like salt on an open wound -- having to endure a holiday that celebrates what they so desperately can't experience. But since my own mother died four years ago, I have begun to notice another aspect of this day: the pain it causes those of us who don't have the perfect mother, either because of death or because our mother doesn't seem to own that mothering gene. One of my patients was talking to me recently about her definition of what a mother should be. She had come up with three expectations: trust, compassion, and respect. I told her that I would add one more: unconditional love. We then went on to talk about the challenges one faces when one has a mother who is unwilling, or unable, to meet all or even some of those roles. Her mother was unable to meet any of these. She solved the problem by establishing wonderful friendships and told me that, other than the unconditional love part, she felt that her friends could in effect be surrogate moms. After the appointment was over, I began to think about our universal need to be mothered and how one copes when that person is missing in our lives? Some people miss it from the start; they might have a mother who is overwhelmed by the demands in her life and simply can't adequately mother her children. Some mothers are narcissistic and the needs of their children can't possibly compete with her need to focus on herself. And some of us have had mothers who did fill all of our needs, but they are gone.  I had a mother who was extraordinary. She provided all of the things a mother should, but she also modeled for me an ability to not only focus on her husband and children, but many other people in her life. She was a giver but she never depleted herself. She was clear about her limits (and mine! Just one look was enough to set me straight most of the time) but she also nurtured herself without guilt. But what was truly amazing about her agility as a parent was that she had never been mothered. My mother was born into a family in Germany where her own mother was the single focus. I would now venture a guess that her mother had a narcissistic personality disorder, but the end result was that my mother only saw her mother once each evening, when her mother would swoop into the nursery to kiss her good night. Yet despite the fact that my mother never was the recipient of that unconditional love all children crave, she was able to parent and share her heart apparently effortlessly. It strikes me as extraordinary that a person who never experienced mothering herself was able to turn it around in such a positive way. So if you are someone who is mother-less this Mother's Day, either literally or figuratively, perhaps it is a good occasion to figure out how you can get your mothering needs met. Like my patient, really good friends can meet many of your needs. A supportive, loving, caring partner can as well. But perhaps it is also okay to look outside the box. Do you have other relatives who would love to include you in their lives? Do you know other women who would welcome a closer, warmer relationship with you? I have actually found that my 13-year-old daughter has started watching out for me. I work from home two days a week and have a bad habit of getting so caught up in my work that I forget to eat lunch. The first question Sarah asks me when she gets home from school is if I have eaten lunch yet. And if the answer is no, I get 'that look' (which she inherited from my mother) and I am marched into the kitchen. This Mother's Day spend some time thinking about how you can get your mothering needs met, and celebrate not necessarily only the woman who gave birth to you, but all the women in your life who love you. Wed, 06 May 2009 18:57:55 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Mothers-Day-for-the-Mother-Less/BLOG/1691701/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-05-06T18:57:55Z BeWell Community The weeks before Mother's Day are filled with advertisements for gorgeous jewelry and flowers. But it's the ads for the greeting cards that grab my attention. Even the most jaded adolescent girl can apparently find a card to express her adoration of her perfect mother, and in every commercial, the mom opens her cards surrounded by a loving husband and cherubic children. For many years, all the focus on Mother's Day concerned me since I have so many patients struggling with infertility. For them, this holiday is like salt on an open wound -- having to endure a holiday that celebrates what they so desperately can't experience. But since my own mother died four years ago, I have begun to notice another aspect of this day: the pain it causes those of us who don't have the perfect mother, either because of death or because our mother doesn't seem to own that mothering gene. One of my patients was talking to me recently about her definition of what a mother should be. She had come up with three expectations: trust, compassion, and respect. I told her that I would add one more: unconditional love. We then went on to talk about the challenges one faces when one has a mother who is unwilling, or unable, to meet all or even some of those roles. Her mother was unable to meet any of these. She solved the problem by establishing wonderful friendships and told me that, other than the unconditional love part, she felt that her friends could in effect be surrogate moms. After the appointment was over, I began to think about our universal need to be mothered and how one copes when that person is missing in our lives? Some people miss it from the start; they might have a mother who is overwhelmed by the demands in her life and simply can't adequately mother her children. Some mothers are narcissistic and the needs of their children can't possibly compete with her need to focus on herself. And some of us have had mothers who did fill all of our needs, but they are gone.  I had a mother who was extraordinary. She provided all of the things a mother should, but she also modeled for me an ability to not only focus on her husband and children, but many other people in her life. She was a giver but she never depleted herself. She was clear about her limits (and mine! Just one look was enough to set me straight most of the time) but she also nurtured herself without guilt. But what was truly amazing about her agility as a parent was that she had never been mothered. My mother was born into a family in Germany where her own mother was the single focus. I would now venture a guess that her mother had a narcissistic personality disorder, but the end result was that my mother only saw her mother once each evening, when her mother would swoop into the nursery to kiss her good night. Yet despite the fact that my mother never was the recipient of that unconditional love all children crave, she was able to parent and share her heart apparently effortlessly. It strikes me as extraordinary that a person who never experienced mothering herself was able to turn it around in such a positive way. So if you are someone who is mother-less this Mother's Day, either literally or figuratively, perhaps it is a good occasion to figure out how you can get your mothering needs met. Like my patient, really good friends can meet many of your needs. A supportive, loving, caring partner can as well. But perhaps it is also okay to look outside the box. Do you have other relatives who would love to include you in their lives? Do you know other women who would welcome a closer, warmer relationship with you? I have actually found that my 13-year-old daughter has started watching out for me. I work from home two days a week and have a bad habit of getting so caught up in my work that I forget to eat lunch. The first question Sarah asks me when she gets home from school is if I have eaten lunch yet. And if the answer is no, I get 'that look' (which she inherited from my mother) and I am marched into the kitchen. This Mother's Day spend some time thinking about how you can get your mothering needs met, and celebrate not necessarily only the woman who gave birth to you, but all the women in your life who love you. nonadult false Mother's Day for the Mother-Less text blog 136 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691701 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Say-the-Right-Thing-Helping-a-Loved-One-With-Infertility/BLOG/1691699/142833.html When someone you love is struggling with infertility, it's not uncommon to wonder what you should do or say to be helpful -- and not hurtful. A lot of the anguish expressed by my fertility-challenged patients stems from well-intentioned comments made by family members and friends. I would like to believe that these comments are truly well-meaning (this comes from what my husband calls my pathological level of optimism), but they're not always interpreted as such by the individual or couple on the receiving end who is desperate to start a family. So if you'd like to be a positive force, here's a general list of do's and don'ts to help you navigate this emotional minefield. Mum's the word. If you have a friend, family member, or co-worker who has confided in you that she is struggling with infertility, take that confidence seriously. About half of all infertile individuals keep the information private out of a sense of guilt, shame, or fear. So if someone has told you that this is a problem for her, feel honored. And do not, for any reason, share the information with anyone else. Leave it to the experts. Support your loved one in her treatment decisions, but don't give medical advice. I know that those of us who read People magazine cover to cover every week have a lot of know-how about infertility treatment and its success, but be aware that if your friend or family member is seeing a physician who is an expert in infertility, there is a fairly good chance that doctor knows more about her case and the appropriate course of treatment than you do. If you happen to know someone else who has an infertility doctor that she loves and has been successful with, you can offer the physician's name and contact information, but leave it at that. Don't take it personally. Individuals and couples who are experiencing infertility tend to feel uncomfortable, and even saddened, by pregnancy announcements, the presence of a pregnant woman, baby showers, newborns, and baby/child birthday parties. This is a completely normal reaction to infertility and it does not mean that your sister/friend/cousin is a selfish b!tch. It simply means that being dramatically reminded of what she wants more than anything in the world -- but hasn't achieved yet -- can be too painful to bear. Break it gently. Since pregnancy announcements can be particularly excruciating, be sensitive to this. If you have your own happy news and want to let her know, do not subject her to a public pregnancy announcement. Simply call her when you know she is not home or email her and tell her that you are expecting. Mention that you promise not to bombard her with details unless she asks. And, as odd as this might sound, don't be surprised if her jealousy of your success is too much for her. Just know that deep down she is likely very happy for you, since she would not wish infertility on anyone. Easy does it. Continue to treat her the same as your other friends in terms of inviting her to your shower and letting her know when your baby arrives, but don't email her the prenatal ultrasounds, don't call her with the gory details of your morning sickness, and do not feel offended in any way if she declines to attend your shower or come visit you in the hospital. She is simply struggling with an extremely difficult life crisis and is trying to minimize her agony. It's also helpful to read up on the basics of infertility; www.Resolve.org and www.asrm.org are good places to start. If you can understand what your loved one is going through and can ask intelligent questions, it will help her. More important than anything else, simply tell her that you love her and ask her to be really specific about what she needs from you. Do what she asks, where possible, and don't feel badly that you can't do more. If you're smart, sensitive, and thoughtful in your approach, you can take heart that you're helping as much as anyone can during a difficult time. When someone you love is struggling with infertility, it's not uncommon to wonder what you should do or say to be helpful -- and not hurtful. A lot of the anguish expressed by my fertility-challenged patients stems from well-intentioned comments made by family members and friends. I would like to believe that these comments are truly well-meaning (this comes from what my husband calls my pathological level of optimism), but they're not always interpreted as such by the individual or couple on the receiving end who is desperate to start a family. So if you'd like to be a positive force, here's a general list of do's and don'ts to help you navigate this emotional minefield. Mum's the word. If you have a friend, family member, or co-worker who has confided in you that she is struggling with infertility, take that confidence seriously. About half of all infertile individuals keep the information private out of a sense of guilt, shame, or fear. So if someone has told you that this is a problem for her, feel honored. And do not, for any reason, share the information with anyone else. Leave it to the experts. Support your loved one in her treatment decisions, but don't give medical advice. I know that those of us who read People magazine cover to cover every week have a lot of know-how about infertility treatment and its success, but be aware that if your friend or family member is seeing a physician who is an expert in infertility, there is a fairly good chance that doctor knows more about her case and the appropriate course of treatment than you do. If you happen to know someone else who has an infertility doctor that she loves and has been successful with, you can offer the physician's name and contact information, but leave it at that. Don't take it personally. Individuals and couples who are experiencing infertility tend to feel uncomfortable, and even saddened, by pregnancy announcements, the presence of a pregnant woman, baby showers, newborns, and baby/child birthday parties. This is a completely normal reaction to infertility and it does not mean that your sister/friend/cousin is a selfish b!tch. It simply means that being dramatically reminded of what she wants more than anything in the world -- but hasn't achieved yet -- can be too painful to bear. Break it gently. Since pregnancy announcements can be particularly excruciating, be sensitive to this. If you have your own happy news and want to let her know, do not subject her to a public pregnancy announcement. Simply call her when you know she is not home or email her and tell her that you are expecting. Mention that you promise not to bombard her with details unless she asks. And, as odd as this might sound, don't be surprised if her jealousy of your success is too much for her. Just know that deep down she is likely very happy for you, since she would not wish infertility on anyone. Easy does it. Continue to treat her the same as your other friends in terms of inviting her to your shower and letting her know when your baby arrives, but don't email her the prenatal ultrasounds, don't call her with the gory details of your morning sickness, and do not feel offended in any way if she declines to attend your shower or come visit you in the hospital. She is simply struggling with an extremely difficult life crisis and is trying to minimize her agony. It's also helpful to read up on the basics of infertility; www.Resolve.org and www.asrm.org are good places to start. If you can understand what your loved one is going through and can ask intelligent questions, it will help her. More important than anything else, simply tell her that you love her and ask her to be really specific about what she needs from you. Do what she asks, where possible, and don't feel badly that you can't do more. If you're smart, sensitive, and thoughtful in your approach, you can take heart that you're helping as much as anyone can during a difficult time. Wed, 22 Apr 2009 21:08:07 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Say-the-Right-Thing-Helping-a-Loved-One-With-Infertility/BLOG/1691699/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-04-22T21:08:07Z BeWell Community When someone you love is struggling with infertility, it's not uncommon to wonder what you should do or say to be helpful -- and not hurtful. A lot of the anguish expressed by my fertility-challenged patients stems from well-intentioned comments made by family members and friends. I would like to believe that these comments are truly well-meaning (this comes from what my husband calls my pathological level of optimism), but they're not always interpreted as such by the individual or couple on the receiving end who is desperate to start a family. So if you'd like to be a positive force, here's a general list of do's and don'ts to help you navigate this emotional minefield. Mum's the word. If you have a friend, family member, or co-worker who has confided in you that she is struggling with infertility, take that confidence seriously. About half of all infertile individuals keep the information private out of a sense of guilt, shame, or fear. So if someone has told you that this is a problem for her, feel honored. And do not, for any reason, share the information with anyone else. Leave it to the experts. Support your loved one in her treatment decisions, but don't give medical advice. I know that those of us who read People magazine cover to cover every week have a lot of know-how about infertility treatment and its success, but be aware that if your friend or family member is seeing a physician who is an expert in infertility, there is a fairly good chance that doctor knows more about her case and the appropriate course of treatment than you do. If you happen to know someone else who has an infertility doctor that she loves and has been successful with, you can offer the physician's name and contact information, but leave it at that. Don't take it personally. Individuals and couples who are experiencing infertility tend to feel uncomfortable, and even saddened, by pregnancy announcements, the presence of a pregnant woman, baby showers, newborns, and baby/child birthday parties. This is a completely normal reaction to infertility and it does not mean that your sister/friend/cousin is a selfish b!tch. It simply means that being dramatically reminded of what she wants more than anything in the world -- but hasn't achieved yet -- can be too painful to bear. Break it gently. Since pregnancy announcements can be particularly excruciating, be sensitive to this. If you have your own happy news and want to let her know, do not subject her to a public pregnancy announcement. Simply call her when you know she is not home or email her and tell her that you are expecting. Mention that you promise not to bombard her with details unless she asks. And, as odd as this might sound, don't be surprised if her jealousy of your success is too much for her. Just know that deep down she is likely very happy for you, since she would not wish infertility on anyone. Easy does it. Continue to treat her the same as your other friends in terms of inviting her to your shower and letting her know when your baby arrives, but don't email her the prenatal ultrasounds, don't call her with the gory details of your morning sickness, and do not feel offended in any way if she declines to attend your shower or come visit you in the hospital. She is simply struggling with an extremely difficult life crisis and is trying to minimize her agony. It's also helpful to read up on the basics of infertility; www.Resolve.org and www.asrm.org are good places to start. If you can understand what your loved one is going through and can ask intelligent questions, it will help her. More important than anything else, simply tell her that you love her and ask her to be really specific about what she needs from you. Do what she asks, where possible, and don't feel badly that you can't do more. If you're smart, sensitive, and thoughtful in your approach, you can take heart that you're helping as much as anyone can during a difficult time. nonadult false Say the Right Thing: Helping a Loved One With Infertility text blog 150 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691699 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Yikes-They-Are-Heading-Off-to-College/BLOG/1691716/142833.html My two daughters and I were watching High School Musical III last night (so much for my intellectual reputation, I know). For those of you who have not had the pleasure of watching as many Disney movies as I have, this particular sequel follows a group of seniors during their last months of high school. Of course, the cast sings and dances their way through it, hence the name. There were many sighs and songs in the movie over the fleeting nature of time and lots of wishing that high school could last forever. My older daughter, who is in 7th grade, asked why the students in the movie were making such a big deal about graduating. I explained that being a senior in high school can be magical, but the thought of leaving your friends and the security of family for higher education or career pursuits can be frightening. Since my husband and I will be facing our first child's departure from the nest in a mere five years, I have begun to pay attention to how this life passage impacts parents. For whatever reason, most of my friends were pregnant at our wedding and their babies are now seniors. So my husband and I have been surrounded this past year with the trials and tribulations of the college admissions process. One of the most common sayings amongst couples' therapists is that the three things couples are most likely to fight about are money, sex, and kids. So having your child apply to college hits at least two of the top three stressors, if not all three!Sending a child to college involves a staggering amount of money. And since most of us did not (actually, could not) do what those out-of-touch financial columnists tell you to do in terms of savings -- which last I heard was something like putting $600 a month aside starting from the minute the baby is born -- pulling together the resources for tuition, room and board, and books, can be a huge challenge. It can involve a lot of discomfort: asking your parents for money, working a second job, filling out financial aid forms (which can feel like an invasion of privacy), and asking your child to pitch in by getting a job. From what I am hearing, the financial aid package offered by schools is now a main determinant of which school your child is able to attend. This alone can be a source of discomfort for many parents who might feel badly that their financial restraints are keeping their child from going to the school of his or her choice. I recently asked a friend of mine how she was feeling since she was about to send her only children, twins, to college. She answered that she couldn’t wait since as she put it '18 year olds tend to foul the nest before they leave.'  Her boys were chomping at the bit for more freedom and she could not wait to have some peace and quiet. She was anticipating an empty nest with relish. Other moms might feel differently. It must be so bittersweet. Leaving home is a right of passage, but there has to be an empty feeling when the children are gone. I struggle with overnights and Girl Scout weekends, so am guessing that I am going to suffer come 2014 when my first daughter leaves. But lucky for me that we have an eight year old at home, so my true suffering won't happen until 2019!If you have an empty nest or are in the processing of helping your child off to college, share your comments and tell us what you did (or are doing) to ease the transition. My two daughters and I were watching High School Musical III last night (so much for my intellectual reputation, I know). For those of you who have not had the pleasure of watching as many Disney movies as I have, this particular sequel follows a group of seniors during their last months of high school. Of course, the cast sings and dances their way through it, hence the name. There were many sighs and songs in the movie over the fleeting nature of time and lots of wishing that high school could last forever. My older daughter, who is in 7th grade, asked why the students in the movie were making such a big deal about graduating. I explained that being a senior in high school can be magical, but the thought of leaving your friends and the security of family for higher education or career pursuits can be frightening. Since my husband and I will be facing our first child's departure from the nest in a mere five years, I have begun to pay attention to how this life passage impacts parents. For whatever reason, most of my friends were pregnant at our wedding and their babies are now seniors. So my husband and I have been surrounded this past year with the trials and tribulations of the college admissions process. One of the most common sayings amongst couples' therapists is that the three things couples are most likely to fight about are money, sex, and kids. So having your child apply to college hits at least two of the top three stressors, if not all three!Sending a child to college involves a staggering amount of money. And since most of us did not (actually, could not) do what those out-of-touch financial columnists tell you to do in terms of savings -- which last I heard was something like putting $600 a month aside starting from the minute the baby is born -- pulling together the resources for tuition, room and board, and books, can be a huge challenge. It can involve a lot of discomfort: asking your parents for money, working a second job, filling out financial aid forms (which can feel like an invasion of privacy), and asking your child to pitch in by getting a job. From what I am hearing, the financial aid package offered by schools is now a main determinant of which school your child is able to attend. This alone can be a source of discomfort for many parents who might feel badly that their financial restraints are keeping their child from going to the school of his or her choice. I recently asked a friend of mine how she was feeling since she was about to send her only children, twins, to college. She answered that she couldn’t wait since as she put it '18 year olds tend to foul the nest before they leave.'  Her boys were chomping at the bit for more freedom and she could not wait to have some peace and quiet. She was anticipating an empty nest with relish. Other moms might feel differently. It must be so bittersweet. Leaving home is a right of passage, but there has to be an empty feeling when the children are gone. I struggle with overnights and Girl Scout weekends, so am guessing that I am going to suffer come 2014 when my first daughter leaves. But lucky for me that we have an eight year old at home, so my true suffering won't happen until 2019!If you have an empty nest or are in the processing of helping your child off to college, share your comments and tell us what you did (or are doing) to ease the transition. Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:50:09 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Yikes-They-Are-Heading-Off-to-College/BLOG/1691716/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-04-10T14:50:09Z BeWell Community My two daughters and I were watching High School Musical III last night (so much for my intellectual reputation, I know). For those of you who have not had the pleasure of watching as many Disney movies as I have, this particular sequel follows a group of seniors during their last months of high school. Of course, the cast sings and dances their way through it, hence the name. There were many sighs and songs in the movie over the fleeting nature of time and lots of wishing that high school could last forever. My older daughter, who is in 7th grade, asked why the students in the movie were making such a big deal about graduating. I explained that being a senior in high school can be magical, but the thought of leaving your friends and the security of family for higher education or career pursuits can be frightening. Since my husband and I will be facing our first child's departure from the nest in a mere five years, I have begun to pay attention to how this life passage impacts parents. For whatever reason, most of my friends were pregnant at our wedding and their babies are now seniors. So my husband and I have been surrounded this past year with the trials and tribulations of the college admissions process. One of the most common sayings amongst couples' therapists is that the three things couples are most likely to fight about are money, sex, and kids. So having your child apply to college hits at least two of the top three stressors, if not all three!Sending a child to college involves a staggering amount of money. And since most of us did not (actually, could not) do what those out-of-touch financial columnists tell you to do in terms of savings -- which last I heard was something like putting $600 a month aside starting from the minute the baby is born -- pulling together the resources for tuition, room and board, and books, can be a huge challenge. It can involve a lot of discomfort: asking your parents for money, working a second job, filling out financial aid forms (which can feel like an invasion of privacy), and asking your child to pitch in by getting a job. From what I am hearing, the financial aid package offered by schools is now a main determinant of which school your child is able to attend. This alone can be a source of discomfort for many parents who might feel badly that their financial restraints are keeping their child from going to the school of his or her choice. I recently asked a friend of mine how she was feeling since she was about to send her only children, twins, to college. She answered that she couldn’t wait since as she put it '18 year olds tend to foul the nest before they leave.'  Her boys were chomping at the bit for more freedom and she could not wait to have some peace and quiet. She was anticipating an empty nest with relish. Other moms might feel differently. It must be so bittersweet. Leaving home is a right of passage, but there has to be an empty feeling when the children are gone. I struggle with overnights and Girl Scout weekends, so am guessing that I am going to suffer come 2014 when my first daughter leaves. But lucky for me that we have an eight year old at home, so my true suffering won't happen until 2019!If you have an empty nest or are in the processing of helping your child off to college, share your comments and tell us what you did (or are doing) to ease the transition. nonadult false Yikes, They Are Heading Off to College text blog 101 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691716 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Run-Rihanna-Run/BLOG/1691713/142833.html My eight-year-old daughter Katie and I were watching Today the other morning and there was a segment on the domestic violence situation between singers Rihanna and Chris Brown. I wasn't all that comfortable that she was watching it, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it by changing the channel. I was sort of hoping that she wasn't paying close attention or that, if she was, she wouldn't understand it. However, at the end of the segment, my daughter said that Rihanna wasn't being smart, but that our former nanny had been. And both statements are true. You see, our family was thrown into the world of domestic violence almost three years ago. The fact that Katie not only remembers it, but could apply it correctly in context, probably is a reflection of how awful that time in our life was. To make a long story short, we found out one terrible day that our nanny was a victim of domestic violence and had been for awhile. Because her situation had escalated, she left our employ and the area to protect herself. When she left, my husband and I simply told our two girls that the nanny's boyfriend had hit her and that it was safest for her to move far away.   I was at work the day after our nanny's sudden departure and was still totally shaken by the whole turn of events. I spoke with a co-worker and told her that it shocked me that our nanny -- who I knew in my heart and soul truly loved my girls -- had, in effect, put both herself and my daughters in danger. My co-worker asked me why I was surprised and reminded me that women put themselves and their own children in mortal danger every day. If so many women don't leave these men when their own children are at risk, why would I expect my nanny to do anything differently? I was stunned by this logic, and it told me how huge a hold these terrible men have over their women. It feels counter-intuitive; isn't our highest priority as mothers the health and safety of our children? Don’t most moms declare that they would jump in front of a bus to save their kids? If mothers supposedly would do anything for their children, how can so many stay with a violent partner who threaten their safety and the lives of their children on a daily basis?  Rihanna is being urged by Oprah to break off her relationship and Oprah is devoting a live show this week to domestic violence. Some in the media anticipate a backlash against Rihanna if she chooses to stay with Chris. But it will take an enormous amount of inner strength, resilience, and self-esteem for her not to do so. These men take manipulation to a new level. They intuitively know what to say to keep their victims by their side and under their control. There are signs of impending abuse: your partner becomes territorial about you and wants to know where you are at all times, he voices irrational jealousy and might accuse you of cheating on him, he tries to keep you from spending time with family and friends, or he makes comments to put you down only then to tell you how much he loves and needs you. If you notice any of these red flags, it is time to consider ending the relationship while you still have the confidence to do so. Don't let him wear you down. And if he ever ever does anything to hurt you, run as fast as you can from him and everything he stands for. Your life is at stake. My eight-year-old daughter Katie and I were watching Today the other morning and there was a segment on the domestic violence situation between singers Rihanna and Chris Brown. I wasn't all that comfortable that she was watching it, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it by changing the channel. I was sort of hoping that she wasn't paying close attention or that, if she was, she wouldn't understand it. However, at the end of the segment, my daughter said that Rihanna wasn't being smart, but that our former nanny had been. And both statements are true. You see, our family was thrown into the world of domestic violence almost three years ago. The fact that Katie not only remembers it, but could apply it correctly in context, probably is a reflection of how awful that time in our life was. To make a long story short, we found out one terrible day that our nanny was a victim of domestic violence and had been for awhile. Because her situation had escalated, she left our employ and the area to protect herself. When she left, my husband and I simply told our two girls that the nanny's boyfriend had hit her and that it was safest for her to move far away.   I was at work the day after our nanny's sudden departure and was still totally shaken by the whole turn of events. I spoke with a co-worker and told her that it shocked me that our nanny -- who I knew in my heart and soul truly loved my girls -- had, in effect, put both herself and my daughters in danger. My co-worker asked me why I was surprised and reminded me that women put themselves and their own children in mortal danger every day. If so many women don't leave these men when their own children are at risk, why would I expect my nanny to do anything differently? I was stunned by this logic, and it told me how huge a hold these terrible men have over their women. It feels counter-intuitive; isn't our highest priority as mothers the health and safety of our children? Don’t most moms declare that they would jump in front of a bus to save their kids? If mothers supposedly would do anything for their children, how can so many stay with a violent partner who threaten their safety and the lives of their children on a daily basis?  Rihanna is being urged by Oprah to break off her relationship and Oprah is devoting a live show this week to domestic violence. Some in the media anticipate a backlash against Rihanna if she chooses to stay with Chris. But it will take an enormous amount of inner strength, resilience, and self-esteem for her not to do so. These men take manipulation to a new level. They intuitively know what to say to keep their victims by their side and under their control. There are signs of impending abuse: your partner becomes territorial about you and wants to know where you are at all times, he voices irrational jealousy and might accuse you of cheating on him, he tries to keep you from spending time with family and friends, or he makes comments to put you down only then to tell you how much he loves and needs you. If you notice any of these red flags, it is time to consider ending the relationship while you still have the confidence to do so. Don't let him wear you down. And if he ever ever does anything to hurt you, run as fast as you can from him and everything he stands for. Your life is at stake. Thu, 12 Mar 2009 21:37:31 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Run-Rihanna-Run/BLOG/1691713/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-03-12T21:37:31Z BeWell Community My eight-year-old daughter Katie and I were watching Today the other morning and there was a segment on the domestic violence situation between singers Rihanna and Chris Brown. I wasn't all that comfortable that she was watching it, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it by changing the channel. I was sort of hoping that she wasn't paying close attention or that, if she was, she wouldn't understand it. However, at the end of the segment, my daughter said that Rihanna wasn't being smart, but that our former nanny had been. And both statements are true. You see, our family was thrown into the world of domestic violence almost three years ago. The fact that Katie not only remembers it, but could apply it correctly in context, probably is a reflection of how awful that time in our life was. To make a long story short, we found out one terrible day that our nanny was a victim of domestic violence and had been for awhile. Because her situation had escalated, she left our employ and the area to protect herself. When she left, my husband and I simply told our two girls that the nanny's boyfriend had hit her and that it was safest for her to move far away.   I was at work the day after our nanny's sudden departure and was still totally shaken by the whole turn of events. I spoke with a co-worker and told her that it shocked me that our nanny -- who I knew in my heart and soul truly loved my girls -- had, in effect, put both herself and my daughters in danger. My co-worker asked me why I was surprised and reminded me that women put themselves and their own children in mortal danger every day. If so many women don't leave these men when their own children are at risk, why would I expect my nanny to do anything differently? I was stunned by this logic, and it told me how huge a hold these terrible men have over their women. It feels counter-intuitive; isn't our highest priority as mothers the health and safety of our children? Don’t most moms declare that they would jump in front of a bus to save their kids? If mothers supposedly would do anything for their children, how can so many stay with a violent partner who threaten their safety and the lives of their children on a daily basis?  Rihanna is being urged by Oprah to break off her relationship and Oprah is devoting a live show this week to domestic violence. Some in the media anticipate a backlash against Rihanna if she chooses to stay with Chris. But it will take an enormous amount of inner strength, resilience, and self-esteem for her not to do so. These men take manipulation to a new level. They intuitively know what to say to keep their victims by their side and under their control. There are signs of impending abuse: your partner becomes territorial about you and wants to know where you are at all times, he voices irrational jealousy and might accuse you of cheating on him, he tries to keep you from spending time with family and friends, or he makes comments to put you down only then to tell you how much he loves and needs you. If you notice any of these red flags, it is time to consider ending the relationship while you still have the confidence to do so. Don't let him wear you down. And if he ever ever does anything to hurt you, run as fast as you can from him and everything he stands for. Your life is at stake. nonadult false Run, Rihanna, Run! text blog 123 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691713 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_You-Might-Need-to-Give-Cupid-a-Little-Help/BLOG/1691710/142833.html A friend of mine told me that -- according to a recent poll in one of the parenting magazines -- 60 percent of women are angry at their husbands most of the time. And just yesterday, two of my patients said the same thing: that they find themselves frustrated and impatient with their life partners virtually all the time. What is going on? Are guys really that bad? I don't happen to think so. When relationships reach this crossroad, I find both partners are usually at fault. When I'm counseling a patient who is in a relationship, one of the most important things I try to drive home is the necessity of seeing things from the other person's point of view. It's essential to understand that you are not always right, that you don't always see things the same way he does, and -- if you want something done in a certain way -- you need to specify because your partner cannot read your mind. I also frequently ask the husbands (or partners) of my patients to join in for a session or two (or more, if one or both of them are truly obtuse). From my experience, most men are completely bewildered by their spouse's anger. These guys usually have absolutely no idea why their wife is mad at them, feel they are decent human beings, and complain that they get absolutely no appreciation in return. So if you and your spouse are sometimes at odds, here are a couple of tips to help make this Valentine's Day a happier one: 1. Don't always see the cup as half empty. We are all so quick to point out our mate's flaws, but do we notice when he does nice things? One of my patients told me yesterday that she could not remember the last time she complimented her husband. Yet in her own words, he is a wonderful father, a loving husband, does at least half of the household work (which, in my opinion, is quite simply astonishing), and is an all around nice guy. Let me tell you: If you look at decades of research on human behavior, humans don’t change their behavior to avoid punishment nearly as much as they change their behavior to get rewarded. If you want your partner to do something differently, you are going to have far more success if you notice and make a big deal out of the times he does something right instead of criticizing him when he does something wrong. Telling him how appreciative you are whenever he makes an effort will do you both a world of good. 2. No matter how much he loves you, or how much you love him, know that he simply can't read your mind. Which means your seething with anger because he didn't offer to bring home a pizza/forgot to ask about your mom's colonoscopy/failed to anticipate your need for dark chocolate on the 27th day of your cycle/didn't offer to give you a massage the day your bossed yelled at you, does not mean he is a jerk. It means that he can't anticipate your needs. If you have a need, spell it out. (Now, if you tell him specifically and he neglects to do anything, then you can see the….) Being in a relationship is work, no doubt about it. But if you take a step back, focus on being fair, and truly remember that it takes two to tango, this might just be your best Valentine's Day yet. A friend of mine told me that -- according to a recent poll in one of the parenting magazines -- 60 percent of women are angry at their husbands most of the time. And just yesterday, two of my patients said the same thing: that they find themselves frustrated and impatient with their life partners virtually all the time. What is going on? Are guys really that bad? I don't happen to think so. When relationships reach this crossroad, I find both partners are usually at fault. When I'm counseling a patient who is in a relationship, one of the most important things I try to drive home is the necessity of seeing things from the other person's point of view. It's essential to understand that you are not always right, that you don't always see things the same way he does, and -- if you want something done in a certain way -- you need to specify because your partner cannot read your mind. I also frequently ask the husbands (or partners) of my patients to join in for a session or two (or more, if one or both of them are truly obtuse). From my experience, most men are completely bewildered by their spouse's anger. These guys usually have absolutely no idea why their wife is mad at them, feel they are decent human beings, and complain that they get absolutely no appreciation in return. So if you and your spouse are sometimes at odds, here are a couple of tips to help make this Valentine's Day a happier one: 1. Don't always see the cup as half empty. We are all so quick to point out our mate's flaws, but do we notice when he does nice things? One of my patients told me yesterday that she could not remember the last time she complimented her husband. Yet in her own words, he is a wonderful father, a loving husband, does at least half of the household work (which, in my opinion, is quite simply astonishing), and is an all around nice guy. Let me tell you: If you look at decades of research on human behavior, humans don’t change their behavior to avoid punishment nearly as much as they change their behavior to get rewarded. If you want your partner to do something differently, you are going to have far more success if you notice and make a big deal out of the times he does something right instead of criticizing him when he does something wrong. Telling him how appreciative you are whenever he makes an effort will do you both a world of good. 2. No matter how much he loves you, or how much you love him, know that he simply can't read your mind. Which means your seething with anger because he didn't offer to bring home a pizza/forgot to ask about your mom's colonoscopy/failed to anticipate your need for dark chocolate on the 27th day of your cycle/didn't offer to give you a massage the day your bossed yelled at you, does not mean he is a jerk. It means that he can't anticipate your needs. If you have a need, spell it out. (Now, if you tell him specifically and he neglects to do anything, then you can see the….) Being in a relationship is work, no doubt about it. But if you take a step back, focus on being fair, and truly remember that it takes two to tango, this might just be your best Valentine's Day yet. Thu, 12 Feb 2009 17:05:25 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_You-Might-Need-to-Give-Cupid-a-Little-Help/BLOG/1691710/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-02-12T17:05:25Z BeWell Community A friend of mine told me that -- according to a recent poll in one of the parenting magazines -- 60 percent of women are angry at their husbands most of the time. And just yesterday, two of my patients said the same thing: that they find themselves frustrated and impatient with their life partners virtually all the time. What is going on? Are guys really that bad? I don't happen to think so. When relationships reach this crossroad, I find both partners are usually at fault. When I'm counseling a patient who is in a relationship, one of the most important things I try to drive home is the necessity of seeing things from the other person's point of view. It's essential to understand that you are not always right, that you don't always see things the same way he does, and -- if you want something done in a certain way -- you need to specify because your partner cannot read your mind. I also frequently ask the husbands (or partners) of my patients to join in for a session or two (or more, if one or both of them are truly obtuse). From my experience, most men are completely bewildered by their spouse's anger. These guys usually have absolutely no idea why their wife is mad at them, feel they are decent human beings, and complain that they get absolutely no appreciation in return. So if you and your spouse are sometimes at odds, here are a couple of tips to help make this Valentine's Day a happier one: 1. Don't always see the cup as half empty. We are all so quick to point out our mate's flaws, but do we notice when he does nice things? One of my patients told me yesterday that she could not remember the last time she complimented her husband. Yet in her own words, he is a wonderful father, a loving husband, does at least half of the household work (which, in my opinion, is quite simply astonishing), and is an all around nice guy. Let me tell you: If you look at decades of research on human behavior, humans don’t change their behavior to avoid punishment nearly as much as they change their behavior to get rewarded. If you want your partner to do something differently, you are going to have far more success if you notice and make a big deal out of the times he does something right instead of criticizing him when he does something wrong. Telling him how appreciative you are whenever he makes an effort will do you both a world of good. 2. No matter how much he loves you, or how much you love him, know that he simply can't read your mind. Which means your seething with anger because he didn't offer to bring home a pizza/forgot to ask about your mom's colonoscopy/failed to anticipate your need for dark chocolate on the 27th day of your cycle/didn't offer to give you a massage the day your bossed yelled at you, does not mean he is a jerk. It means that he can't anticipate your needs. If you have a need, spell it out. (Now, if you tell him specifically and he neglects to do anything, then you can see the….) Being in a relationship is work, no doubt about it. But if you take a step back, focus on being fair, and truly remember that it takes two to tango, this might just be your best Valentine's Day yet. nonadult false You Might Need to Give Cupid a Little Help text blog 83 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691710 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Are-You-Ready-to-Stop-Smoking/BLOG/1691708/142833.html If you want to stop smoking, making a plan to quit is the most important step in the process. But before you actually make your plan, you need to figure out how ready you are. One of the most respected smoking-cessation researchers is James Prochaska, Director of the Cancer Prevention Research Center at the University of Rhode Island. He has spent his career doing research on how people successfully change lifestyle behavior, and he has found that there are six stages of successful lifestyle change. They are: Pre-contemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Maintenance Termination Dr. Prochaska's work is inspiring since he has figured out how to match the stage you are at (contemplation) to the smoking-cessation approach. In fact, Dr. Prochaska understands that change doesn't happen all of a sudden. You don't wake up one morning and suddenly decide to stop smoking and succeed at it. It takes time, some thinking, more time, and then more thinking. That is what Prochaska calls 'contemplation.' You might feel that this stage is a waste of time, but is it one of the most important ways to start. In this stage, you think about the pros and cons of quitting and you consider if this is the best time in your life to attempt this. (For example, if one of your parents is terminally ill, you might actually be better off postponing this challenge until your life is more predictable.) If in fact this does feel like a good time to quit, you also need to consider the obstacles at this stage (such as a partner who smokes) and figure out how to get around those obstacles (like making your spouse smoke outside). Preparing to stop smoking is like preparing for childbirth: There is an unbelievably fabulous outcome, but you need to be ready for the battle. So don't undervalue the contemplation stage: It's important if you are going to be successful in your efforts to quit. If you want to stop smoking, making a plan to quit is the most important step in the process. But before you actually make your plan, you need to figure out how ready you are. One of the most respected smoking-cessation researchers is James Prochaska, Director of the Cancer Prevention Research Center at the University of Rhode Island. He has spent his career doing research on how people successfully change lifestyle behavior, and he has found that there are six stages of successful lifestyle change. They are: Pre-contemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Maintenance Termination Dr. Prochaska's work is inspiring since he has figured out how to match the stage you are at (contemplation) to the smoking-cessation approach. In fact, Dr. Prochaska understands that change doesn't happen all of a sudden. You don't wake up one morning and suddenly decide to stop smoking and succeed at it. It takes time, some thinking, more time, and then more thinking. That is what Prochaska calls 'contemplation.' You might feel that this stage is a waste of time, but is it one of the most important ways to start. In this stage, you think about the pros and cons of quitting and you consider if this is the best time in your life to attempt this. (For example, if one of your parents is terminally ill, you might actually be better off postponing this challenge until your life is more predictable.) If in fact this does feel like a good time to quit, you also need to consider the obstacles at this stage (such as a partner who smokes) and figure out how to get around those obstacles (like making your spouse smoke outside). Preparing to stop smoking is like preparing for childbirth: There is an unbelievably fabulous outcome, but you need to be ready for the battle. So don't undervalue the contemplation stage: It's important if you are going to be successful in your efforts to quit. Fri, 23 Jan 2009 21:34:57 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Are-You-Ready-to-Stop-Smoking/BLOG/1691708/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-01-23T21:34:57Z BeWell Community If you want to stop smoking, making a plan to quit is the most important step in the process. But before you actually make your plan, you need to figure out how ready you are. One of the most respected smoking-cessation researchers is James Prochaska, Director of the Cancer Prevention Research Center at the University of Rhode Island. He has spent his career doing research on how people successfully change lifestyle behavior, and he has found that there are six stages of successful lifestyle change. They are: Pre-contemplation Contemplation Preparation Action Maintenance Termination Dr. Prochaska's work is inspiring since he has figured out how to match the stage you are at (contemplation) to the smoking-cessation approach. In fact, Dr. Prochaska understands that change doesn't happen all of a sudden. You don't wake up one morning and suddenly decide to stop smoking and succeed at it. It takes time, some thinking, more time, and then more thinking. That is what Prochaska calls 'contemplation.' You might feel that this stage is a waste of time, but is it one of the most important ways to start. In this stage, you think about the pros and cons of quitting and you consider if this is the best time in your life to attempt this. (For example, if one of your parents is terminally ill, you might actually be better off postponing this challenge until your life is more predictable.) If in fact this does feel like a good time to quit, you also need to consider the obstacles at this stage (such as a partner who smokes) and figure out how to get around those obstacles (like making your spouse smoke outside). Preparing to stop smoking is like preparing for childbirth: There is an unbelievably fabulous outcome, but you need to be ready for the battle. So don't undervalue the contemplation stage: It's important if you are going to be successful in your efforts to quit. nonadult false Are You Ready to Stop Smoking? text blog 77 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691708 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Is-President-Obama-Going-To-Be-Okay/BLOG/1691725/142833.html I am worried about President Barack Obama. No, I am not a conservative who is ticked off that a democrat is in the White House. I am actually a very happy liberal. And I am not worried about his smoking (see my previous blog) or how they decide to decorate the family's residential quarters (although I am mad that Laura Bush spent almost half a million dollars on china last week. You have got to be kidding me. How many children would that money have fed?). And I have not lost a moment of sleep over what Michelle is going to wear.But I am worried about the level of stress that he has got to be experiencing and, perhaps even more than that, the unbelievably high expectations that this nation, and the world, has for him. I like watching him speak because he seems to be thoughtful, calm, and fair. And given the odds he has fought against successfully, he is certainly one stress-hardy individual. But the pressure is there and I hope that he is taking really good care of himself. Keep up the basketball Barack, but perhaps a bit of structured relaxation would not be a bad thing. A technique like progressive muscle relaxation is wonderful for those folks who have very active, racing minds. Also, we all have to be realistic about the obstacles facing this country and the pace with which it is even possible to start turning things around. When I see patients who are experiencing stress and the consequent symptoms, one of the main treatment modalities I use is called cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy requires that you begin to challenge your automatic thought patterns; you have to recognize them, and then restructure them. It is relatively easy to do this when they are in my office and I am coaching and supporting them. But when they go out into the real world, it is far tougher. My patients return for their next appointment, reporting feelings of discouragement that they were not able to think in a different way quickly enough. My response is always the same: I tell them that they have been thinking in a certain way their whole life, and expecting that they can change all that in a matter of weeks is setting themselves up for failure. If you have been negative for 30 years, you are not going to become a positive person in a week. It might take a few months to really get there.It is the same thing for this country and our economy. If we have been behaving and acting in a non-productive or even destructive way for years (in my opinion, just about eight), then it can’t be fixed in a matter of weeks or even months. We have to give Barack and Congress time to truly figure out the source of each problem, effective ways to approach each and every one, and the freedom to fix and solve and negotiate. So we need to back off, and trust the guy that he will indeed make this country better and safer and more popular in the world. Not in a week or two, but hopefully within the next few years. I am worried about President Barack Obama. No, I am not a conservative who is ticked off that a democrat is in the White House. I am actually a very happy liberal. And I am not worried about his smoking (see my previous blog) or how they decide to decorate the family's residential quarters (although I am mad that Laura Bush spent almost half a million dollars on china last week. You have got to be kidding me. How many children would that money have fed?). And I have not lost a moment of sleep over what Michelle is going to wear.But I am worried about the level of stress that he has got to be experiencing and, perhaps even more than that, the unbelievably high expectations that this nation, and the world, has for him. I like watching him speak because he seems to be thoughtful, calm, and fair. And given the odds he has fought against successfully, he is certainly one stress-hardy individual. But the pressure is there and I hope that he is taking really good care of himself. Keep up the basketball Barack, but perhaps a bit of structured relaxation would not be a bad thing. A technique like progressive muscle relaxation is wonderful for those folks who have very active, racing minds. Also, we all have to be realistic about the obstacles facing this country and the pace with which it is even possible to start turning things around. When I see patients who are experiencing stress and the consequent symptoms, one of the main treatment modalities I use is called cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy requires that you begin to challenge your automatic thought patterns; you have to recognize them, and then restructure them. It is relatively easy to do this when they are in my office and I am coaching and supporting them. But when they go out into the real world, it is far tougher. My patients return for their next appointment, reporting feelings of discouragement that they were not able to think in a different way quickly enough. My response is always the same: I tell them that they have been thinking in a certain way their whole life, and expecting that they can change all that in a matter of weeks is setting themselves up for failure. If you have been negative for 30 years, you are not going to become a positive person in a week. It might take a few months to really get there.It is the same thing for this country and our economy. If we have been behaving and acting in a non-productive or even destructive way for years (in my opinion, just about eight), then it can’t be fixed in a matter of weeks or even months. We have to give Barack and Congress time to truly figure out the source of each problem, effective ways to approach each and every one, and the freedom to fix and solve and negotiate. So we need to back off, and trust the guy that he will indeed make this country better and safer and more popular in the world. Not in a week or two, but hopefully within the next few years. Fri, 23 Jan 2009 19:45:31 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Is-President-Obama-Going-To-Be-Okay/BLOG/1691725/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-01-23T19:45:31Z BeWell Community I am worried about President Barack Obama. No, I am not a conservative who is ticked off that a democrat is in the White House. I am actually a very happy liberal. And I am not worried about his smoking (see my previous blog) or how they decide to decorate the family's residential quarters (although I am mad that Laura Bush spent almost half a million dollars on china last week. You have got to be kidding me. How many children would that money have fed?). And I have not lost a moment of sleep over what Michelle is going to wear.But I am worried about the level of stress that he has got to be experiencing and, perhaps even more than that, the unbelievably high expectations that this nation, and the world, has for him. I like watching him speak because he seems to be thoughtful, calm, and fair. And given the odds he has fought against successfully, he is certainly one stress-hardy individual. But the pressure is there and I hope that he is taking really good care of himself. Keep up the basketball Barack, but perhaps a bit of structured relaxation would not be a bad thing. A technique like progressive muscle relaxation is wonderful for those folks who have very active, racing minds. Also, we all have to be realistic about the obstacles facing this country and the pace with which it is even possible to start turning things around. When I see patients who are experiencing stress and the consequent symptoms, one of the main treatment modalities I use is called cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy requires that you begin to challenge your automatic thought patterns; you have to recognize them, and then restructure them. It is relatively easy to do this when they are in my office and I am coaching and supporting them. But when they go out into the real world, it is far tougher. My patients return for their next appointment, reporting feelings of discouragement that they were not able to think in a different way quickly enough. My response is always the same: I tell them that they have been thinking in a certain way their whole life, and expecting that they can change all that in a matter of weeks is setting themselves up for failure. If you have been negative for 30 years, you are not going to become a positive person in a week. It might take a few months to really get there.It is the same thing for this country and our economy. If we have been behaving and acting in a non-productive or even destructive way for years (in my opinion, just about eight), then it can’t be fixed in a matter of weeks or even months. We have to give Barack and Congress time to truly figure out the source of each problem, effective ways to approach each and every one, and the freedom to fix and solve and negotiate. So we need to back off, and trust the guy that he will indeed make this country better and safer and more popular in the world. Not in a week or two, but hopefully within the next few years. nonadult false Is President Obama Going To Be Okay? text blog 75 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691725 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Oprah-Tipping-the-Scale-Finding-Balance/BLOG/1691723/142833.html My January issue of O Magazine arrived in the mail recently and was sitting on our kitchen counter, where it would have lingered until well after our holiday guests left had my almost 13-year-old daughter not glanced at the cover and commented on it. The cover, if you haven't seen it already, features two pictures of Oprah: basically a before (buff) and now (not) with the headline 'How Did I Let This Happen Again?' plastered across the front. My daughter remarked that it was pretty ironic that while Oprah seems to be all about helping women improve their self esteem and feel good about themselves, her own magazine is obsessed with what she weighs. Hmmm, I thought. Good catch. I had heard all the hoopla on the news and had read in People how disgusted she was with herself about her weight gain, but had not thought much about the irony. I figured it would make for a good update to my BeWell blog and was about to start writing when my closest friend from childhood mentioned how well Oprah was taking care of her own health. The resultant conversation revealed a crucial difference in our opinions: she had read the actual article in the magazine and I had not! So I did. And she was right: Oprah's own words were wonderful. She said that she had a new plan to no longer focus on the weight itself but, instead, to focus on her health. She went on to say that she would 'get support when I need it, find ways to nurture myself, deepen my spiritual connection, and have some fun.' She intends to shift the focus from weight to optimum health. Oprah is right. Being healthy doesn't depend on what the scale says, but instead is about a whole host of factors. Research has shown that it is better to be fat and fit rather than thin and a couch potato. I don't think there are any studies to show this, but I would guess it is better to be fat and surrounded by loving family and friends rather than be thin and completely socially isolated. What about being fat and happy rather than thin and depressed? Do we really know which is better? Think about all the factors which contribute to good health: nutritious food, regular exercise, no more than moderate alcohol consumption, zero nicotine or illicit drug exposure, low stress levels, lots of supportive social connections, religious or spiritual beliefs, a sense of purpose to one's life, and feeling hopeful about the future. The message we have gotten for years is that being fat is the worst thing you can be. But, in fact, research shows the people whose BMI is in the range of 25-29 actually live longer than those in the supposedly ideal range of 20-24. I wish that the tag line across the cover of O said something different. But I am guessing the one the editors used is more likely to sell magazines than one which is actually based upon the research. But read her words for yourself because her approach is the one to follow! My January issue of O Magazine arrived in the mail recently and was sitting on our kitchen counter, where it would have lingered until well after our holiday guests left had my almost 13-year-old daughter not glanced at the cover and commented on it. The cover, if you haven't seen it already, features two pictures of Oprah: basically a before (buff) and now (not) with the headline 'How Did I Let This Happen Again?' plastered across the front. My daughter remarked that it was pretty ironic that while Oprah seems to be all about helping women improve their self esteem and feel good about themselves, her own magazine is obsessed with what she weighs. Hmmm, I thought. Good catch. I had heard all the hoopla on the news and had read in People how disgusted she was with herself about her weight gain, but had not thought much about the irony. I figured it would make for a good update to my BeWell blog and was about to start writing when my closest friend from childhood mentioned how well Oprah was taking care of her own health. The resultant conversation revealed a crucial difference in our opinions: she had read the actual article in the magazine and I had not! So I did. And she was right: Oprah's own words were wonderful. She said that she had a new plan to no longer focus on the weight itself but, instead, to focus on her health. She went on to say that she would 'get support when I need it, find ways to nurture myself, deepen my spiritual connection, and have some fun.' She intends to shift the focus from weight to optimum health. Oprah is right. Being healthy doesn't depend on what the scale says, but instead is about a whole host of factors. Research has shown that it is better to be fat and fit rather than thin and a couch potato. I don't think there are any studies to show this, but I would guess it is better to be fat and surrounded by loving family and friends rather than be thin and completely socially isolated. What about being fat and happy rather than thin and depressed? Do we really know which is better? Think about all the factors which contribute to good health: nutritious food, regular exercise, no more than moderate alcohol consumption, zero nicotine or illicit drug exposure, low stress levels, lots of supportive social connections, religious or spiritual beliefs, a sense of purpose to one's life, and feeling hopeful about the future. The message we have gotten for years is that being fat is the worst thing you can be. But, in fact, research shows the people whose BMI is in the range of 25-29 actually live longer than those in the supposedly ideal range of 20-24. I wish that the tag line across the cover of O said something different. But I am guessing the one the editors used is more likely to sell magazines than one which is actually based upon the research. But read her words for yourself because her approach is the one to follow! Tue, 06 Jan 2009 20:22:22 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Oprah-Tipping-the-Scale-Finding-Balance/BLOG/1691723/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2009-01-06T20:22:22Z BeWell Community My January issue of O Magazine arrived in the mail recently and was sitting on our kitchen counter, where it would have lingered until well after our holiday guests left had my almost 13-year-old daughter not glanced at the cover and commented on it. The cover, if you haven't seen it already, features two pictures of Oprah: basically a before (buff) and now (not) with the headline 'How Did I Let This Happen Again?' plastered across the front. My daughter remarked that it was pretty ironic that while Oprah seems to be all about helping women improve their self esteem and feel good about themselves, her own magazine is obsessed with what she weighs. Hmmm, I thought. Good catch. I had heard all the hoopla on the news and had read in People how disgusted she was with herself about her weight gain, but had not thought much about the irony. I figured it would make for a good update to my BeWell blog and was about to start writing when my closest friend from childhood mentioned how well Oprah was taking care of her own health. The resultant conversation revealed a crucial difference in our opinions: she had read the actual article in the magazine and I had not! So I did. And she was right: Oprah's own words were wonderful. She said that she had a new plan to no longer focus on the weight itself but, instead, to focus on her health. She went on to say that she would 'get support when I need it, find ways to nurture myself, deepen my spiritual connection, and have some fun.' She intends to shift the focus from weight to optimum health. Oprah is right. Being healthy doesn't depend on what the scale says, but instead is about a whole host of factors. Research has shown that it is better to be fat and fit rather than thin and a couch potato. I don't think there are any studies to show this, but I would guess it is better to be fat and surrounded by loving family and friends rather than be thin and completely socially isolated. What about being fat and happy rather than thin and depressed? Do we really know which is better? Think about all the factors which contribute to good health: nutritious food, regular exercise, no more than moderate alcohol consumption, zero nicotine or illicit drug exposure, low stress levels, lots of supportive social connections, religious or spiritual beliefs, a sense of purpose to one's life, and feeling hopeful about the future. The message we have gotten for years is that being fat is the worst thing you can be. But, in fact, research shows the people whose BMI is in the range of 25-29 actually live longer than those in the supposedly ideal range of 20-24. I wish that the tag line across the cover of O said something different. But I am guessing the one the editors used is more likely to sell magazines than one which is actually based upon the research. But read her words for yourself because her approach is the one to follow! nonadult false Oprah: Tipping the Scale & Finding Balance text blog 101 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 1 0 1691723 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Gestational-Surrogacy-Is-Not-an-Evil-Concept/BLOG/1691720/142833.html Uncle. I'm finally caving under pressure and publicly commenting on the highly controversial story (read it here) that appeared on the cover of the November 30, 2008 issue of the New York Times magazine. For those of you who may have missed it, NYT writer Alex Kuczynski chronicled her journey through infertility to the birth of her son via gestational surrogacy (which involves using the egg of the intended mom and the sperm of the intended dad, so the baby is not genetically related to the woman who is carrying it). The problem with the story, and the reason Alex has been vilified all over the Web and even in the Wall Street Journal, is that instead of telling a story of how science and a generous teacher from Pennsylvania finally made Alex's dream come true, it appeared to be more about money and inequality. Alex's husband is an extremely wealthy man and in her piece she described an unbelievable life: the vacation homes, trips, and easy ability to pay for highly expensive infertility treatments. But what did it for me, and for many other readers, were the pictures which accompanied the story. Alex has apparently gone on record to say that she objected to the pictures used for the story, but one has to wonder why she would agree to pose on the manicured lawn of her Southampton home, baby in arms, with her African American baby nurse standing in uniform and at attention by her side. I spend much of my time as a therapist supporting and counseling women who are struggling with infertility treatments. Alex underwent 12 in vitro fertilization cycles and had multiple miscarriages. There is no question in my mind that her experience was awful. I only wish that her message was delivered in a less offensive and entitled way. Gestational surrogacy (GS) is not about money and womb-renting. It is about one woman helping another. There are thousands of women in this country who either are not able to carry a pregnancy to term because of a physical limitation, or who have a disease that precludes being able to be safely pregnant. And, luckily for them, there are thousands of other women who truly love being pregnant. I have many patients who are now moms because of GS, and it has affected me personally as well. A family member was born with an abnormal uterus, preventing her from being able to carry a pregnancy. When she started down the path of gestational surrogacy, she moved in with me and my family during her cycle. I pretty much held her hand throughout the process and saw the experience more than first hand. (Picture me in a local restaurant, giving my relative an injection in the ladies room.) I also chose the embryos to be transferred and had daily contact with her surrogate during the pregnancy, which resulted in the birth of healthy twins. I really do know how miraculous this is. Pretty much any entity can be abused. I can't think of a single wonderful event or opportunity that could not go sour in the wrong hands. I am sure that there are indeed some women who become surrogates purely for the money, or who are pressured to do so by their partner. But I would give an educated guess that there are far more who do it for all the right reasons. I personally find it hard to believe that there are so many women who feel at their best when pregnant (I was in the nausea 24/7 club), but let's all be careful about taking one story and indicting the whole process. Uncle. I'm finally caving under pressure and publicly commenting on the highly controversial story (read it here) that appeared on the cover of the November 30, 2008 issue of the New York Times magazine. For those of you who may have missed it, NYT writer Alex Kuczynski chronicled her journey through infertility to the birth of her son via gestational surrogacy (which involves using the egg of the intended mom and the sperm of the intended dad, so the baby is not genetically related to the woman who is carrying it). The problem with the story, and the reason Alex has been vilified all over the Web and even in the Wall Street Journal, is that instead of telling a story of how science and a generous teacher from Pennsylvania finally made Alex's dream come true, it appeared to be more about money and inequality. Alex's husband is an extremely wealthy man and in her piece she described an unbelievable life: the vacation homes, trips, and easy ability to pay for highly expensive infertility treatments. But what did it for me, and for many other readers, were the pictures which accompanied the story. Alex has apparently gone on record to say that she objected to the pictures used for the story, but one has to wonder why she would agree to pose on the manicured lawn of her Southampton home, baby in arms, with her African American baby nurse standing in uniform and at attention by her side. I spend much of my time as a therapist supporting and counseling women who are struggling with infertility treatments. Alex underwent 12 in vitro fertilization cycles and had multiple miscarriages. There is no question in my mind that her experience was awful. I only wish that her message was delivered in a less offensive and entitled way. Gestational surrogacy (GS) is not about money and womb-renting. It is about one woman helping another. There are thousands of women in this country who either are not able to carry a pregnancy to term because of a physical limitation, or who have a disease that precludes being able to be safely pregnant. And, luckily for them, there are thousands of other women who truly love being pregnant. I have many patients who are now moms because of GS, and it has affected me personally as well. A family member was born with an abnormal uterus, preventing her from being able to carry a pregnancy. When she started down the path of gestational surrogacy, she moved in with me and my family during her cycle. I pretty much held her hand throughout the process and saw the experience more than first hand. (Picture me in a local restaurant, giving my relative an injection in the ladies room.) I also chose the embryos to be transferred and had daily contact with her surrogate during the pregnancy, which resulted in the birth of healthy twins. I really do know how miraculous this is. Pretty much any entity can be abused. I can't think of a single wonderful event or opportunity that could not go sour in the wrong hands. I am sure that there are indeed some women who become surrogates purely for the money, or who are pressured to do so by their partner. But I would give an educated guess that there are far more who do it for all the right reasons. I personally find it hard to believe that there are so many women who feel at their best when pregnant (I was in the nausea 24/7 club), but let's all be careful about taking one story and indicting the whole process. Tue, 16 Dec 2008 19:38:05 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Gestational-Surrogacy-Is-Not-an-Evil-Concept/BLOG/1691720/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2008-12-16T19:38:05Z BeWell Community Uncle. I'm finally caving under pressure and publicly commenting on the highly controversial story (read it here) that appeared on the cover of the November 30, 2008 issue of the New York Times magazine. For those of you who may have missed it, NYT writer Alex Kuczynski chronicled her journey through infertility to the birth of her son via gestational surrogacy (which involves using the egg of the intended mom and the sperm of the intended dad, so the baby is not genetically related to the woman who is carrying it). The problem with the story, and the reason Alex has been vilified all over the Web and even in the Wall Street Journal, is that instead of telling a story of how science and a generous teacher from Pennsylvania finally made Alex's dream come true, it appeared to be more about money and inequality. Alex's husband is an extremely wealthy man and in her piece she described an unbelievable life: the vacation homes, trips, and easy ability to pay for highly expensive infertility treatments. But what did it for me, and for many other readers, were the pictures which accompanied the story. Alex has apparently gone on record to say that she objected to the pictures used for the story, but one has to wonder why she would agree to pose on the manicured lawn of her Southampton home, baby in arms, with her African American baby nurse standing in uniform and at attention by her side. I spend much of my time as a therapist supporting and counseling women who are struggling with infertility treatments. Alex underwent 12 in vitro fertilization cycles and had multiple miscarriages. There is no question in my mind that her experience was awful. I only wish that her message was delivered in a less offensive and entitled way. Gestational surrogacy (GS) is not about money and womb-renting. It is about one woman helping another. There are thousands of women in this country who either are not able to carry a pregnancy to term because of a physical limitation, or who have a disease that precludes being able to be safely pregnant. And, luckily for them, there are thousands of other women who truly love being pregnant. I have many patients who are now moms because of GS, and it has affected me personally as well. A family member was born with an abnormal uterus, preventing her from being able to carry a pregnancy. When she started down the path of gestational surrogacy, she moved in with me and my family during her cycle. I pretty much held her hand throughout the process and saw the experience more than first hand. (Picture me in a local restaurant, giving my relative an injection in the ladies room.) I also chose the embryos to be transferred and had daily contact with her surrogate during the pregnancy, which resulted in the birth of healthy twins. I really do know how miraculous this is. Pretty much any entity can be abused. I can't think of a single wonderful event or opportunity that could not go sour in the wrong hands. I am sure that there are indeed some women who become surrogates purely for the money, or who are pressured to do so by their partner. But I would give an educated guess that there are far more who do it for all the right reasons. I personally find it hard to believe that there are so many women who feel at their best when pregnant (I was in the nausea 24/7 club), but let's all be careful about taking one story and indicting the whole process. nonadult false Gestational Surrogacy Is Not an Evil Concept text blog 75 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691720 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_So-What-if-Obama-Smokes-Isn39t-It-Possible-That-We-Would-All-Be-Healthier-if-We-Each-Had-a-Vice/BLOG/1691718/142833.html I am very worried about Barack Obama. I specialize in the impact of stress on the body and mind, and have pretty much spent my entire career researching the most effective ways to decrease the negative consequences of anxiety and depression. I am a devout Democrat and am beyond thrilled to have Obama as our President-elect. That said, as a psychologist, I am extremely concerned about the load he is carrying on his shoulders. The entire nation, and likely most of the world, is eagerly awaiting his inauguration with the expectation that he is going to fix things: the economy, the wars, health care, racism, corruption in politics, and so on. I know that he appears to be one cool dude, but I don't think anyone in history has ever had such pressure prior to beginning office.  But, alas, he is a sinner. He admitted, sort of, to Barbara Walters that he smokes. And the outcry has been astonishing. You would think that he admitted that he bought the presidency.  I spend a lot of time with my patients, encouraging and supporting them to improve their lifestyle habits; you know: lose weight, decrease alcohol consumption, begin a regular exercise regimen. But I don't think I have ever encouraged anyone to continue to smoke...until now.   A well known researcher, James Prochaska, studies and writes about how people make changes in lifestyle habits.  He reports that people go through stages of change, the first being a pre-contemplation stage. This is the time when you carefully think about whether or not you are ready to make the change. I counsel my patients to think carefully about whether or not this is a good time in their life to make a significant change. If a patient is in a temporary crisis, it is probably better to continue with the 'bad' behavior until his or her life becomes more stable. I would rather, for example, have a patient continue to not exercise regularly while she is caring for a dying parent, rather than start to exercise, fail, and beat herself up for it. I really don't think that now is the time for Obama to attempt to make a stressful life change. As long as he doesn't smoke in the presence of others (and I suspect that Michelle is pretty darn clear about that one), I would actually prefer that he continues, at least until things calm down a little bit. It is safer than drinking alcohol and as a columnist at Slate wrote yesterday, 'Do you really want him going through nicotine withdrawal right now?' I know that I am probably in the minority about this, and am awaiting some pretty terse emails from my BeWell colleagues (and comments from you), but isn't it possible that we would be healthier if we allowed ourselves one vice?  I know that smoking over the long term is not an option, but how bad is it to smoke a bit for a short period of time? The health police have already blessed a glass of wine a day and there is actually not much data from randomized controlled studies to support the advice we give about daily exercise and the whole five to seven servings of fruits and vegetables per day thing. And it is quite possible that the stress of attempting to be so perfect about our health habits is more harmful than the habit would be in the first place.  My advice to Obama is to continue to occasionally light up until he feels he is ready to quit. And I will continue to enjoy and savor my personal sin: chocolate! I am very worried about Barack Obama. I specialize in the impact of stress on the body and mind, and have pretty much spent my entire career researching the most effective ways to decrease the negative consequences of anxiety and depression. I am a devout Democrat and am beyond thrilled to have Obama as our President-elect. That said, as a psychologist, I am extremely concerned about the load he is carrying on his shoulders. The entire nation, and likely most of the world, is eagerly awaiting his inauguration with the expectation that he is going to fix things: the economy, the wars, health care, racism, corruption in politics, and so on. I know that he appears to be one cool dude, but I don't think anyone in history has ever had such pressure prior to beginning office.  But, alas, he is a sinner. He admitted, sort of, to Barbara Walters that he smokes. And the outcry has been astonishing. You would think that he admitted that he bought the presidency.  I spend a lot of time with my patients, encouraging and supporting them to improve their lifestyle habits; you know: lose weight, decrease alcohol consumption, begin a regular exercise regimen. But I don't think I have ever encouraged anyone to continue to smoke...until now.   A well known researcher, James Prochaska, studies and writes about how people make changes in lifestyle habits.  He reports that people go through stages of change, the first being a pre-contemplation stage. This is the time when you carefully think about whether or not you are ready to make the change. I counsel my patients to think carefully about whether or not this is a good time in their life to make a significant change. If a patient is in a temporary crisis, it is probably better to continue with the 'bad' behavior until his or her life becomes more stable. I would rather, for example, have a patient continue to not exercise regularly while she is caring for a dying parent, rather than start to exercise, fail, and beat herself up for it. I really don't think that now is the time for Obama to attempt to make a stressful life change. As long as he doesn't smoke in the presence of others (and I suspect that Michelle is pretty darn clear about that one), I would actually prefer that he continues, at least until things calm down a little bit. It is safer than drinking alcohol and as a columnist at Slate wrote yesterday, 'Do you really want him going through nicotine withdrawal right now?' I know that I am probably in the minority about this, and am awaiting some pretty terse emails from my BeWell colleagues (and comments from you), but isn't it possible that we would be healthier if we allowed ourselves one vice?  I know that smoking over the long term is not an option, but how bad is it to smoke a bit for a short period of time? The health police have already blessed a glass of wine a day and there is actually not much data from randomized controlled studies to support the advice we give about daily exercise and the whole five to seven servings of fruits and vegetables per day thing. And it is quite possible that the stress of attempting to be so perfect about our health habits is more harmful than the habit would be in the first place.  My advice to Obama is to continue to occasionally light up until he feels he is ready to quit. And I will continue to enjoy and savor my personal sin: chocolate! Fri, 12 Dec 2008 22:23:35 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_So-What-if-Obama-Smokes-Isn39t-It-Possible-That-We-Would-All-Be-Healthier-if-We-Each-Had-a-Vice/BLOG/1691718/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2008-12-12T22:23:35Z BeWell Community I am very worried about Barack Obama. I specialize in the impact of stress on the body and mind, and have pretty much spent my entire career researching the most effective ways to decrease the negative consequences of anxiety and depression. I am a devout Democrat and am beyond thrilled to have Obama as our President-elect. That said, as a psychologist, I am extremely concerned about the load he is carrying on his shoulders. The entire nation, and likely most of the world, is eagerly awaiting his inauguration with the expectation that he is going to fix things: the economy, the wars, health care, racism, corruption in politics, and so on. I know that he appears to be one cool dude, but I don't think anyone in history has ever had such pressure prior to beginning office.  But, alas, he is a sinner. He admitted, sort of, to Barbara Walters that he smokes. And the outcry has been astonishing. You would think that he admitted that he bought the presidency.  I spend a lot of time with my patients, encouraging and supporting them to improve their lifestyle habits; you know: lose weight, decrease alcohol consumption, begin a regular exercise regimen. But I don't think I have ever encouraged anyone to continue to smoke...until now.   A well known researcher, James Prochaska, studies and writes about how people make changes in lifestyle habits.  He reports that people go through stages of change, the first being a pre-contemplation stage. This is the time when you carefully think about whether or not you are ready to make the change. I counsel my patients to think carefully about whether or not this is a good time in their life to make a significant change. If a patient is in a temporary crisis, it is probably better to continue with the 'bad' behavior until his or her life becomes more stable. I would rather, for example, have a patient continue to not exercise regularly while she is caring for a dying parent, rather than start to exercise, fail, and beat herself up for it. I really don't think that now is the time for Obama to attempt to make a stressful life change. As long as he doesn't smoke in the presence of others (and I suspect that Michelle is pretty darn clear about that one), I would actually prefer that he continues, at least until things calm down a little bit. It is safer than drinking alcohol and as a columnist at Slate wrote yesterday, 'Do you really want him going through nicotine withdrawal right now?' I know that I am probably in the minority about this, and am awaiting some pretty terse emails from my BeWell colleagues (and comments from you), but isn't it possible that we would be healthier if we allowed ourselves one vice?  I know that smoking over the long term is not an option, but how bad is it to smoke a bit for a short period of time? The health police have already blessed a glass of wine a day and there is actually not much data from randomized controlled studies to support the advice we give about daily exercise and the whole five to seven servings of fruits and vegetables per day thing. And it is quite possible that the stress of attempting to be so perfect about our health habits is more harmful than the habit would be in the first place.  My advice to Obama is to continue to occasionally light up until he feels he is ready to quit. And I will continue to enjoy and savor my personal sin: chocolate! nonadult false So What if Obama Smokes? Isn't It Possible That We Would All Be Healthier if We Each Had a Vice? text blog 53 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691718 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_The-Psychological-Impact-of-the-Economy-Does-Denial-Work/BLOG/1691717/142833.html My husband Dave affectionately refers to me as a pathological optimist. I tend to see the good side of people. (As in, 'I know that criminal burglarized three banks, dear, but don't you wonder if perhaps his mother shunned him for his more attractive younger brother, and he's carried those scars throughout his life?'). And when bad things happen to me or my family, I try hard to look for the silver lining or to look ahead to a future which will be less painful. The only exception to this rule is money: my attitude about finances is rather odd. I insist, for instance, on using bars of soap until they dissolve in my hands and get annoyed if anyone uses an extra napkin or paper towel. Ironically I tend to be more relaxed about bigger ticket items. Believe it or not, I was the one in my family who lobbied for a bigger television a few years ago, despite the fact that it's Dave who is the avid Red Sox fan. He didn't see the need for a new one until he saw the light. He's repeated this motto ever since, “happy wife, happy life”. You better believe it. We got the TV, we both love it, but I still make sure to eat the pretzels out of the bag while watching, so I don’t waste a plate. But I digress. The state of the economy is a tough thing to ignore. Several of our friends have been laid off, the ripple effect of the financial crisis is beginning to hit, and I have more patients asking to come in to see me than I can handle. When I went holiday shopping last week at our local mall, the lines were short and the sales were widespread. So from a psychological perspective, what is the best way to handle one's self? I think a combination of intelligent frugalness and healthy denial works best. My husband and I started 529 college savings plans for both of our daughters when they were born. I have not opened a statement since August. Ditto for my 401k. Every January my husband and I pore over the minute details of our finances to make sure we are not spending more than we are making, and this January I plan on making up some excuse for why this can't be accomplished (the dog ate my W-2 form might work). The basic idea here is to focus on what you can control (your discretionary spending) and try not to obsess too much on what you can't. Be smart: Take advantage of lower mortgage rates in a quest to possibly refinance or consider negotiating with your landlord if rents in your neighborhood have dropped. But if money issues cause you a lot of anxiety, you might want to turn the TV from CNN to Disney. This is also a good time to do what our parents or grandparents did when the going got tough -- be creative about economizing! Play board games instead of going to the movies, try out a new recipe rather than going out to eat, and make do with last year's clothes (this is an easy one for me, as I hate clothing shopping). It also pays to be smart at work during these times: Show up on schedule, stay a bit late, and put in that extra effort. And, most importantly, have faith. The optimist in me thinks that things are going to get better for sure. My husband Dave affectionately refers to me as a pathological optimist. I tend to see the good side of people. (As in, 'I know that criminal burglarized three banks, dear, but don't you wonder if perhaps his mother shunned him for his more attractive younger brother, and he's carried those scars throughout his life?'). And when bad things happen to me or my family, I try hard to look for the silver lining or to look ahead to a future which will be less painful. The only exception to this rule is money: my attitude about finances is rather odd. I insist, for instance, on using bars of soap until they dissolve in my hands and get annoyed if anyone uses an extra napkin or paper towel. Ironically I tend to be more relaxed about bigger ticket items. Believe it or not, I was the one in my family who lobbied for a bigger television a few years ago, despite the fact that it's Dave who is the avid Red Sox fan. He didn't see the need for a new one until he saw the light. He's repeated this motto ever since, “happy wife, happy life”. You better believe it. We got the TV, we both love it, but I still make sure to eat the pretzels out of the bag while watching, so I don’t waste a plate. But I digress. The state of the economy is a tough thing to ignore. Several of our friends have been laid off, the ripple effect of the financial crisis is beginning to hit, and I have more patients asking to come in to see me than I can handle. When I went holiday shopping last week at our local mall, the lines were short and the sales were widespread. So from a psychological perspective, what is the best way to handle one's self? I think a combination of intelligent frugalness and healthy denial works best. My husband and I started 529 college savings plans for both of our daughters when they were born. I have not opened a statement since August. Ditto for my 401k. Every January my husband and I pore over the minute details of our finances to make sure we are not spending more than we are making, and this January I plan on making up some excuse for why this can't be accomplished (the dog ate my W-2 form might work). The basic idea here is to focus on what you can control (your discretionary spending) and try not to obsess too much on what you can't. Be smart: Take advantage of lower mortgage rates in a quest to possibly refinance or consider negotiating with your landlord if rents in your neighborhood have dropped. But if money issues cause you a lot of anxiety, you might want to turn the TV from CNN to Disney. This is also a good time to do what our parents or grandparents did when the going got tough -- be creative about economizing! Play board games instead of going to the movies, try out a new recipe rather than going out to eat, and make do with last year's clothes (this is an easy one for me, as I hate clothing shopping). It also pays to be smart at work during these times: Show up on schedule, stay a bit late, and put in that extra effort. And, most importantly, have faith. The optimist in me thinks that things are going to get better for sure. Fri, 12 Dec 2008 22:08:25 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_The-Psychological-Impact-of-the-Economy-Does-Denial-Work/BLOG/1691717/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2008-12-12T22:08:25Z BeWell Community My husband Dave affectionately refers to me as a pathological optimist. I tend to see the good side of people. (As in, 'I know that criminal burglarized three banks, dear, but don't you wonder if perhaps his mother shunned him for his more attractive younger brother, and he's carried those scars throughout his life?'). And when bad things happen to me or my family, I try hard to look for the silver lining or to look ahead to a future which will be less painful. The only exception to this rule is money: my attitude about finances is rather odd. I insist, for instance, on using bars of soap until they dissolve in my hands and get annoyed if anyone uses an extra napkin or paper towel. Ironically I tend to be more relaxed about bigger ticket items. Believe it or not, I was the one in my family who lobbied for a bigger television a few years ago, despite the fact that it's Dave who is the avid Red Sox fan. He didn't see the need for a new one until he saw the light. He's repeated this motto ever since, “happy wife, happy life”. You better believe it. We got the TV, we both love it, but I still make sure to eat the pretzels out of the bag while watching, so I don’t waste a plate. But I digress. The state of the economy is a tough thing to ignore. Several of our friends have been laid off, the ripple effect of the financial crisis is beginning to hit, and I have more patients asking to come in to see me than I can handle. When I went holiday shopping last week at our local mall, the lines were short and the sales were widespread. So from a psychological perspective, what is the best way to handle one's self? I think a combination of intelligent frugalness and healthy denial works best. My husband and I started 529 college savings plans for both of our daughters when they were born. I have not opened a statement since August. Ditto for my 401k. Every January my husband and I pore over the minute details of our finances to make sure we are not spending more than we are making, and this January I plan on making up some excuse for why this can't be accomplished (the dog ate my W-2 form might work). The basic idea here is to focus on what you can control (your discretionary spending) and try not to obsess too much on what you can't. Be smart: Take advantage of lower mortgage rates in a quest to possibly refinance or consider negotiating with your landlord if rents in your neighborhood have dropped. But if money issues cause you a lot of anxiety, you might want to turn the TV from CNN to Disney. This is also a good time to do what our parents or grandparents did when the going got tough -- be creative about economizing! Play board games instead of going to the movies, try out a new recipe rather than going out to eat, and make do with last year's clothes (this is an easy one for me, as I hate clothing shopping). It also pays to be smart at work during these times: Show up on schedule, stay a bit late, and put in that extra effort. And, most importantly, have faith. The optimist in me thinks that things are going to get better for sure. nonadult false The Psychological Impact of the Economy: Does Denial Work? text blog 72 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691717 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_How-to-Handle-a-Crisis-Without-Freaking-Out/BLOG/1691693/142833.html I had an experience last night that is the living nightmare of every working mother: our nanny emailed me at 10 p.m., giving notice, effective immediately. As in, she wasn’t coming to work today or any day thereafter. I have two young daughters, my husband was away on a business trip, and I had two choices: completely lose my mind or take action. To be perfectly honest, I did have a minor breakdown -- a mini-moment of experiencing utter panic -- but then I swung into motion. By mid morning, I had taken a brisk walk to help clear my head and lessen the anxiety, the job was posted on Craig’s List, I had emailed my close friends and asked them to spread the word that we were looking, and I had made arrangements through early next week. Our closest local friends all offered to help, my best friend even offered to come up from NY to take over (including the unbelievable offer to help with my younger daughter’s 8th birthday party, which is in two weeks) and I was feeling calmer and in at least some semblance of control. So, what have I learned from this and how can this lesson help others? First of all, when you get any kind of unexpected news, try to put it into perspective. We lost childcare, but the girls are happy and healthy. Second, ask yourself what you need this minute to help you feel better physically.  Exercise is probably the best treatment anywhere, a sympathetic shoulder is good too, but chocolate has its merits. Third, dive into problem-solving mode. Determine what you can do right now to make this easier. Fourth, think about which of your friends and/or family can help out…then ask. Finally, after the crisis is over, think about whether or not there is any way this kind of event can be avoided in the future. I realized that I need to have some sort of reliable backup childcare plan which I can quickly put into motion if ever needed in the future. But this approach is useful for all sorts of crises: We rest easier if we don’t feel that we are living on the edge. I had an experience last night that is the living nightmare of every working mother: our nanny emailed me at 10 p.m., giving notice, effective immediately. As in, she wasn’t coming to work today or any day thereafter. I have two young daughters, my husband was away on a business trip, and I had two choices: completely lose my mind or take action. To be perfectly honest, I did have a minor breakdown -- a mini-moment of experiencing utter panic -- but then I swung into motion. By mid morning, I had taken a brisk walk to help clear my head and lessen the anxiety, the job was posted on Craig’s List, I had emailed my close friends and asked them to spread the word that we were looking, and I had made arrangements through early next week. Our closest local friends all offered to help, my best friend even offered to come up from NY to take over (including the unbelievable offer to help with my younger daughter’s 8th birthday party, which is in two weeks) and I was feeling calmer and in at least some semblance of control. So, what have I learned from this and how can this lesson help others? First of all, when you get any kind of unexpected news, try to put it into perspective. We lost childcare, but the girls are happy and healthy. Second, ask yourself what you need this minute to help you feel better physically.  Exercise is probably the best treatment anywhere, a sympathetic shoulder is good too, but chocolate has its merits. Third, dive into problem-solving mode. Determine what you can do right now to make this easier. Fourth, think about which of your friends and/or family can help out…then ask. Finally, after the crisis is over, think about whether or not there is any way this kind of event can be avoided in the future. I realized that I need to have some sort of reliable backup childcare plan which I can quickly put into motion if ever needed in the future. But this approach is useful for all sorts of crises: We rest easier if we don’t feel that we are living on the edge. Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:32:35 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_How-to-Handle-a-Crisis-Without-Freaking-Out/BLOG/1691693/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2008-11-25T19:32:35Z BeWell Community I had an experience last night that is the living nightmare of every working mother: our nanny emailed me at 10 p.m., giving notice, effective immediately. As in, she wasn’t coming to work today or any day thereafter. I have two young daughters, my husband was away on a business trip, and I had two choices: completely lose my mind or take action. To be perfectly honest, I did have a minor breakdown -- a mini-moment of experiencing utter panic -- but then I swung into motion. By mid morning, I had taken a brisk walk to help clear my head and lessen the anxiety, the job was posted on Craig’s List, I had emailed my close friends and asked them to spread the word that we were looking, and I had made arrangements through early next week. Our closest local friends all offered to help, my best friend even offered to come up from NY to take over (including the unbelievable offer to help with my younger daughter’s 8th birthday party, which is in two weeks) and I was feeling calmer and in at least some semblance of control. So, what have I learned from this and how can this lesson help others? First of all, when you get any kind of unexpected news, try to put it into perspective. We lost childcare, but the girls are happy and healthy. Second, ask yourself what you need this minute to help you feel better physically.  Exercise is probably the best treatment anywhere, a sympathetic shoulder is good too, but chocolate has its merits. Third, dive into problem-solving mode. Determine what you can do right now to make this easier. Fourth, think about which of your friends and/or family can help out…then ask. Finally, after the crisis is over, think about whether or not there is any way this kind of event can be avoided in the future. I realized that I need to have some sort of reliable backup childcare plan which I can quickly put into motion if ever needed in the future. But this approach is useful for all sorts of crises: We rest easier if we don’t feel that we are living on the edge. nonadult false How to Handle a Crisis Without Freaking Out text blog 84 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691693 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_The-MindBody-Connection/BLOG/1691691/142833.html Healing Mind, Healthy Woman, published in 1996, and have published four more since then. As much as I love writing books, one drawback is a lack of personal connection with the women who read them. Although I get letters and emails from women from all over, I have been wishing for a long time to be able to directly communicate with them. I continue to have an active psychotherapy practice, and still conduct multiple research projects, but this Web blog will provide a cutting-edge way to provide up-to-date answers to your questions and a forum where all of us can learn from and support each other. In turn, I will answer your questions to the best of my ability and share what I have learned not only from my career as a health psychologist and researcher, but as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. Welcome to BeWell—let’s all get healthier together! Healing Mind, Healthy Woman, published in 1996, and have published four more since then. As much as I love writing books, one drawback is a lack of personal connection with the women who read them. Although I get letters and emails from women from all over, I have been wishing for a long time to be able to directly communicate with them. I continue to have an active psychotherapy practice, and still conduct multiple research projects, but this Web blog will provide a cutting-edge way to provide up-to-date answers to your questions and a forum where all of us can learn from and support each other. In turn, I will answer your questions to the best of my ability and share what I have learned not only from my career as a health psychologist and researcher, but as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. Welcome to BeWell—let’s all get healthier together! Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:28:49 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_The-MindBody-Connection/BLOG/1691691/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2008-11-20T16:28:49Z BeWell Community Healing Mind, Healthy Woman, published in 1996, and have published four more since then. As much as I love writing books, one drawback is a lack of personal connection with the women who read them. Although I get letters and emails from women from all over, I have been wishing for a long time to be able to directly communicate with them. I continue to have an active psychotherapy practice, and still conduct multiple research projects, but this Web blog will provide a cutting-edge way to provide up-to-date answers to your questions and a forum where all of us can learn from and support each other. In turn, I will answer your questions to the best of my ability and share what I have learned not only from my career as a health psychologist and researcher, but as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. Welcome to BeWell—let’s all get healthier together! nonadult false The Mind/Body Connection text blog 103 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691691 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Why-Are-Miscarriages-Ignored/BLOG/1691689/142833.html I was running the last session of my most recent mind/body infertility program last night and the group got to talking about miscarriage. About half the members had experienced at least one, and the support they received, or the lack thereof, was astonishing. This should have surprised me, but it didn’t. I have been counseling women for years and have probably seen more than a thousand individuals who have experienced a pregnancy loss. Although there are some exceptions, for the most part what I hear is the insensitive comments (“maybe you weren’t meant to be a mother,” or “oh well, now you get to try again”  and “it is not such a big deal, it happens all the time so get over it”) and about a month after my own loss, I was asked by someone if the miscarriage had “been real.” I couldn’t figure out how to answer such a stupid and insulting question since I had no idea what a fake miscarriage was! So the question arises: Why is there such a disconnect between our society and the women/couples who experience the loss?  Most women are told not to even tell anyone about their pregnancies until after their first trimester, when the greatest danger of loss is past. And why not tell? Because if you do and then if you miscarry, you will have to share that news. But what is wrong with that?  Isn’t it appropriate for loved ones to know so you will get the comfort and support you deserve? Most couples who conceive a wanted pregnancy begin to fantasize and plan as soon as that little stick turns color or they get the happy phone call from the doctor’s office. This is not simply a complex bundle of cells--this is their baby. You begin to talk about names, what the nursery will look like, even start to talk about child care and work issues. So if tragedy happens and there is a miscarriage, this signifies a huge loss.  I can't stress enough how important it is that the grieving couples be comforted, supported, pampered, and counseled because a miscarriage is not just the loss of an embryo or fetus; for most couples it is also the loss of their dream and what they want most in the world. If you or someone you know has miscarried, I encourage you to share your experience here in the hope of helping--and educating--others... I was running the last session of my most recent mind/body infertility program last night and the group got to talking about miscarriage. About half the members had experienced at least one, and the support they received, or the lack thereof, was astonishing. This should have surprised me, but it didn’t. I have been counseling women for years and have probably seen more than a thousand individuals who have experienced a pregnancy loss. Although there are some exceptions, for the most part what I hear is the insensitive comments (“maybe you weren’t meant to be a mother,” or “oh well, now you get to try again”  and “it is not such a big deal, it happens all the time so get over it”) and about a month after my own loss, I was asked by someone if the miscarriage had “been real.” I couldn’t figure out how to answer such a stupid and insulting question since I had no idea what a fake miscarriage was! So the question arises: Why is there such a disconnect between our society and the women/couples who experience the loss?  Most women are told not to even tell anyone about their pregnancies until after their first trimester, when the greatest danger of loss is past. And why not tell? Because if you do and then if you miscarry, you will have to share that news. But what is wrong with that?  Isn’t it appropriate for loved ones to know so you will get the comfort and support you deserve? Most couples who conceive a wanted pregnancy begin to fantasize and plan as soon as that little stick turns color or they get the happy phone call from the doctor’s office. This is not simply a complex bundle of cells--this is their baby. You begin to talk about names, what the nursery will look like, even start to talk about child care and work issues. So if tragedy happens and there is a miscarriage, this signifies a huge loss.  I can't stress enough how important it is that the grieving couples be comforted, supported, pampered, and counseled because a miscarriage is not just the loss of an embryo or fetus; for most couples it is also the loss of their dream and what they want most in the world. If you or someone you know has miscarried, I encourage you to share your experience here in the hope of helping--and educating--others... Tue, 24 Jun 2008 00:32:56 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Why-Are-Miscarriages-Ignored/BLOG/1691689/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2008-06-24T00:32:56Z BeWell Community I was running the last session of my most recent mind/body infertility program last night and the group got to talking about miscarriage. About half the members had experienced at least one, and the support they received, or the lack thereof, was astonishing. This should have surprised me, but it didn’t. I have been counseling women for years and have probably seen more than a thousand individuals who have experienced a pregnancy loss. Although there are some exceptions, for the most part what I hear is the insensitive comments (“maybe you weren’t meant to be a mother,” or “oh well, now you get to try again”  and “it is not such a big deal, it happens all the time so get over it”) and about a month after my own loss, I was asked by someone if the miscarriage had “been real.” I couldn’t figure out how to answer such a stupid and insulting question since I had no idea what a fake miscarriage was! So the question arises: Why is there such a disconnect between our society and the women/couples who experience the loss?  Most women are told not to even tell anyone about their pregnancies until after their first trimester, when the greatest danger of loss is past. And why not tell? Because if you do and then if you miscarry, you will have to share that news. But what is wrong with that?  Isn’t it appropriate for loved ones to know so you will get the comfort and support you deserve? Most couples who conceive a wanted pregnancy begin to fantasize and plan as soon as that little stick turns color or they get the happy phone call from the doctor’s office. This is not simply a complex bundle of cells--this is their baby. You begin to talk about names, what the nursery will look like, even start to talk about child care and work issues. So if tragedy happens and there is a miscarriage, this signifies a huge loss.  I can't stress enough how important it is that the grieving couples be comforted, supported, pampered, and counseled because a miscarriage is not just the loss of an embryo or fetus; for most couples it is also the loss of their dream and what they want most in the world. If you or someone you know has miscarried, I encourage you to share your experience here in the hope of helping--and educating--others... nonadult false Why Are Miscarriages Ignored? text blog 78 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691689 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_What-Can-I-Do-to-Reduce-the-Level-of-Stress-in-My-Life/BLOG/1691687/142833.html Good question.  There are a lot of things which we know can reduce your stress level.  I break them into two categories- physical techniques and cognitive ones. The physical ones include: Mini relaxation techniques Relaxation techniques which elicit the relaxation response Moderate exercise The 80/20 eating plan (meaning that 80% is the good stuff and 20% is the not so good stuff) The cognitive ones include: Positive restructuring-challenging automatic negative thoughts Social support Emotional expression Self nurturance Becoming less perfectionistic The key is to find stress management approaches which fit your style. A good example is relaxation techniques. I can’t keep track of the number of new patients I have had who come in to my office and declare that they are incapable of relaxing. And when I ask them to tell me their history, they report one visit to one therapist who taught them one relaxation technique and it didn’t work for them. Which is the same thing as me taking you out for ice cream and ordering you butter pecan.  Everyone has personal preferences in terms of which technique works for you, and you will find that there might be a technique which works for you when you are in a relatively good place, such as meditation, but when you are feeling anxious, meditation doesn’t touch you yet progressive muscle relaxation works really well.If you are already feeling really stressed out and just looking at the list above makes you feel more so, choose one thing which you think you might be able to integrate into your daily routine. Or do two at once-taking a brisk walk with a friend is ideal since you combine social support with exercise. We had a priest as patient who did three-he would elicit the relaxation response through prayer as he walked! Good question.  There are a lot of things which we know can reduce your stress level.  I break them into two categories- physical techniques and cognitive ones. The physical ones include: Mini relaxation techniques Relaxation techniques which elicit the relaxation response Moderate exercise The 80/20 eating plan (meaning that 80% is the good stuff and 20% is the not so good stuff) The cognitive ones include: Positive restructuring-challenging automatic negative thoughts Social support Emotional expression Self nurturance Becoming less perfectionistic The key is to find stress management approaches which fit your style. A good example is relaxation techniques. I can’t keep track of the number of new patients I have had who come in to my office and declare that they are incapable of relaxing. And when I ask them to tell me their history, they report one visit to one therapist who taught them one relaxation technique and it didn’t work for them. Which is the same thing as me taking you out for ice cream and ordering you butter pecan.  Everyone has personal preferences in terms of which technique works for you, and you will find that there might be a technique which works for you when you are in a relatively good place, such as meditation, but when you are feeling anxious, meditation doesn’t touch you yet progressive muscle relaxation works really well.If you are already feeling really stressed out and just looking at the list above makes you feel more so, choose one thing which you think you might be able to integrate into your daily routine. Or do two at once-taking a brisk walk with a friend is ideal since you combine social support with exercise. We had a priest as patient who did three-he would elicit the relaxation response through prayer as he walked! Mon, 02 Jun 2008 17:55:04 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_What-Can-I-Do-to-Reduce-the-Level-of-Stress-in-My-Life/BLOG/1691687/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2008-06-02T17:55:04Z BeWell Community Good question.  There are a lot of things which we know can reduce your stress level.  I break them into two categories- physical techniques and cognitive ones. The physical ones include: Mini relaxation techniques Relaxation techniques which elicit the relaxation response Moderate exercise The 80/20 eating plan (meaning that 80% is the good stuff and 20% is the not so good stuff) The cognitive ones include: Positive restructuring-challenging automatic negative thoughts Social support Emotional expression Self nurturance Becoming less perfectionistic The key is to find stress management approaches which fit your style. A good example is relaxation techniques. I can’t keep track of the number of new patients I have had who come in to my office and declare that they are incapable of relaxing. And when I ask them to tell me their history, they report one visit to one therapist who taught them one relaxation technique and it didn’t work for them. Which is the same thing as me taking you out for ice cream and ordering you butter pecan.  Everyone has personal preferences in terms of which technique works for you, and you will find that there might be a technique which works for you when you are in a relatively good place, such as meditation, but when you are feeling anxious, meditation doesn’t touch you yet progressive muscle relaxation works really well.If you are already feeling really stressed out and just looking at the list above makes you feel more so, choose one thing which you think you might be able to integrate into your daily routine. Or do two at once-taking a brisk walk with a friend is ideal since you combine social support with exercise. We had a priest as patient who did three-he would elicit the relaxation response through prayer as he walked! nonadult false What Can I Do to Reduce the Level of Stress in My Life? text blog 109 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691687 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Why-Are-Women-so-Stressed/BLOG/1691686/142833.html I get asked this question a lot and actually think the reason has several answers. First of all, we have a lot more on our plates than we did a generation ago. In our mother’s or grandmother’s time, women were responsible for their home, their man, and their children. Nowadays, most of us also either work outside the home or spend a lot of time volunteering at our children’s schools (or both), we are told that we need to exercise a certain number of minutes per day and days per week, we all are constantly bombarded with conflicting messages on nutrition and health, being overweight is apparently a sin, and our home needs to look like Martha’s. So in effect we have more to worry about. Another reason is the fact that women have a hard time meeting their own needs. Think again about life as a woman 100 or even 50 years ago They were surrounded by other women (moms, mothers in law, sisters, aunts, cousins, etc) and these women took turns meeting each other’s needs. So when one had a baby, the others swooped in and took care of her other children, the home, cooked meals, and in general left the new mom in peace with her newborn. And she would later do the same for others. So in effect, women did not have to meet their own needs since they were doing it for each other. But today’s society is different-most of us don’t have anyone to swoop in to care for us (unless we pay a trained stranger $25 an hour to do so) and yet most of us are uncomfortable meeting our own needs. It is not politically correct to say so but perhaps we need to look to men as better role models for self care. When they have an itch, they scratch. When they need to pee, they pee, no matter what their toddler is demanding. I think most women need to add their own needs to their daily to-do lists.  There are other reasons why women report more stress than men but I think these are likely the primary ones. I get asked this question a lot and actually think the reason has several answers. First of all, we have a lot more on our plates than we did a generation ago. In our mother’s or grandmother’s time, women were responsible for their home, their man, and their children. Nowadays, most of us also either work outside the home or spend a lot of time volunteering at our children’s schools (or both), we are told that we need to exercise a certain number of minutes per day and days per week, we all are constantly bombarded with conflicting messages on nutrition and health, being overweight is apparently a sin, and our home needs to look like Martha’s. So in effect we have more to worry about. Another reason is the fact that women have a hard time meeting their own needs. Think again about life as a woman 100 or even 50 years ago They were surrounded by other women (moms, mothers in law, sisters, aunts, cousins, etc) and these women took turns meeting each other’s needs. So when one had a baby, the others swooped in and took care of her other children, the home, cooked meals, and in general left the new mom in peace with her newborn. And she would later do the same for others. So in effect, women did not have to meet their own needs since they were doing it for each other. But today’s society is different-most of us don’t have anyone to swoop in to care for us (unless we pay a trained stranger $25 an hour to do so) and yet most of us are uncomfortable meeting our own needs. It is not politically correct to say so but perhaps we need to look to men as better role models for self care. When they have an itch, they scratch. When they need to pee, they pee, no matter what their toddler is demanding. I think most women need to add their own needs to their daily to-do lists.  There are other reasons why women report more stress than men but I think these are likely the primary ones. Tue, 27 May 2008 12:37:43 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Why-Are-Women-so-Stressed/BLOG/1691686/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2008-05-27T12:37:43Z BeWell Community I get asked this question a lot and actually think the reason has several answers. First of all, we have a lot more on our plates than we did a generation ago. In our mother’s or grandmother’s time, women were responsible for their home, their man, and their children. Nowadays, most of us also either work outside the home or spend a lot of time volunteering at our children’s schools (or both), we are told that we need to exercise a certain number of minutes per day and days per week, we all are constantly bombarded with conflicting messages on nutrition and health, being overweight is apparently a sin, and our home needs to look like Martha’s. So in effect we have more to worry about. Another reason is the fact that women have a hard time meeting their own needs. Think again about life as a woman 100 or even 50 years ago They were surrounded by other women (moms, mothers in law, sisters, aunts, cousins, etc) and these women took turns meeting each other’s needs. So when one had a baby, the others swooped in and took care of her other children, the home, cooked meals, and in general left the new mom in peace with her newborn. And she would later do the same for others. So in effect, women did not have to meet their own needs since they were doing it for each other. But today’s society is different-most of us don’t have anyone to swoop in to care for us (unless we pay a trained stranger $25 an hour to do so) and yet most of us are uncomfortable meeting our own needs. It is not politically correct to say so but perhaps we need to look to men as better role models for self care. When they have an itch, they scratch. When they need to pee, they pee, no matter what their toddler is demanding. I think most women need to add their own needs to their daily to-do lists.  There are other reasons why women report more stress than men but I think these are likely the primary ones. nonadult false Why Are Women so Stressed? text blog 75 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691686 19061347 Member 421 http://community.bewell.com/_Are-Women-Treated-Unfairly-in-the-Media/BLOG/1691684/142833.html There has been a lot of talk lately whether or not the media has been more critical of Hillary Clinton than they are of Barack Obama. Politics aside, this feels like an obvious example of bias against women. I do feel that there is an expectation that women need to be perfect.There is an expectation that women have to meet higher standards than their male counterparts in many professions. Numerous female surgeons I know who are currently in their 50’s or 60’s tell me that when they were in training, and it was still unusual for a woman to go into surgery (rather than traditional female territory such as pediatrics), they were subjected to far harsher judgments from their (male) supervisors so in effect they had to be better surgeons to make the grade. Which leads to the obvious conclusion that if you are looking for a really good surgeon, look for an experienced female one!Women are also far more harshly judged in terms of their appearance. When was the last time you read about the weight of a man? I remember years ago reading that Roseanne Barr and Jack Nicholson actually had the same BMI. But if you would ask anyone on the street to describe them both, you would probably hear the word “fat” when describing her but not when describing him. Why are women expected to meet so many more criteria of perfection than men? A study published about 10 years ago noted that men tend to experience stress on a daily basis about three things (immediate family, money, job) while women tend to be stressed on a daily basis about 12 things (those three, plus so much more-the house, the extended family, her weight, the entire family’s social life, pets, etc). If you go into the home of any couple, the state of that home is going to be attributed to the woman of the house, not the man. Which would suggest that men are only judged on three things while women are judged on 12. I would guess that the average woman would be far more relaxed if they had to meet perfectionistic criteria on only three things. Or if we judged men for more. Let’s clamor for the weight or shirt size of every man we read about!How can we change the media, and in fact society, to judge women on fewer aspects of their lives? If an overweight actor’s weight is invisible, why can’t Hillary dress or mother or laugh in a way that is invisible as well? There has been a lot of talk lately whether or not the media has been more critical of Hillary Clinton than they are of Barack Obama. Politics aside, this feels like an obvious example of bias against women. I do feel that there is an expectation that women need to be perfect.There is an expectation that women have to meet higher standards than their male counterparts in many professions. Numerous female surgeons I know who are currently in their 50’s or 60’s tell me that when they were in training, and it was still unusual for a woman to go into surgery (rather than traditional female territory such as pediatrics), they were subjected to far harsher judgments from their (male) supervisors so in effect they had to be better surgeons to make the grade. Which leads to the obvious conclusion that if you are looking for a really good surgeon, look for an experienced female one!Women are also far more harshly judged in terms of their appearance. When was the last time you read about the weight of a man? I remember years ago reading that Roseanne Barr and Jack Nicholson actually had the same BMI. But if you would ask anyone on the street to describe them both, you would probably hear the word “fat” when describing her but not when describing him. Why are women expected to meet so many more criteria of perfection than men? A study published about 10 years ago noted that men tend to experience stress on a daily basis about three things (immediate family, money, job) while women tend to be stressed on a daily basis about 12 things (those three, plus so much more-the house, the extended family, her weight, the entire family’s social life, pets, etc). If you go into the home of any couple, the state of that home is going to be attributed to the woman of the house, not the man. Which would suggest that men are only judged on three things while women are judged on 12. I would guess that the average woman would be far more relaxed if they had to meet perfectionistic criteria on only three things. Or if we judged men for more. Let’s clamor for the weight or shirt size of every man we read about!How can we change the media, and in fact society, to judge women on fewer aspects of their lives? If an overweight actor’s weight is invisible, why can’t Hillary dress or mother or laugh in a way that is invisible as well? Tue, 27 May 2008 12:20:41 GMT http://community.bewell.com/_Are-Women-Treated-Unfairly-in-the-Media/BLOG/1691684/142833.html AliceDDomarPhD 2008-05-27T12:20:41Z BeWell Community There has been a lot of talk lately whether or not the media has been more critical of Hillary Clinton than they are of Barack Obama. Politics aside, this feels like an obvious example of bias against women. I do feel that there is an expectation that women need to be perfect.There is an expectation that women have to meet higher standards than their male counterparts in many professions. Numerous female surgeons I know who are currently in their 50’s or 60’s tell me that when they were in training, and it was still unusual for a woman to go into surgery (rather than traditional female territory such as pediatrics), they were subjected to far harsher judgments from their (male) supervisors so in effect they had to be better surgeons to make the grade. Which leads to the obvious conclusion that if you are looking for a really good surgeon, look for an experienced female one!Women are also far more harshly judged in terms of their appearance. When was the last time you read about the weight of a man? I remember years ago reading that Roseanne Barr and Jack Nicholson actually had the same BMI. But if you would ask anyone on the street to describe them both, you would probably hear the word “fat” when describing her but not when describing him. Why are women expected to meet so many more criteria of perfection than men? A study published about 10 years ago noted that men tend to experience stress on a daily basis about three things (immediate family, money, job) while women tend to be stressed on a daily basis about 12 things (those three, plus so much more-the house, the extended family, her weight, the entire family’s social life, pets, etc). If you go into the home of any couple, the state of that home is going to be attributed to the woman of the house, not the man. Which would suggest that men are only judged on three things while women are judged on 12. I would guess that the average woman would be far more relaxed if they had to meet perfectionistic criteria on only three things. Or if we judged men for more. Let’s clamor for the weight or shirt size of every man we read about!How can we change the media, and in fact society, to judge women on fewer aspects of their lives? If an overweight actor’s weight is invisible, why can’t Hillary dress or mother or laugh in a way that is invisible as well? nonadult false Are Women Treated Unfairly in the Media? text blog 87 0 0.0 http://community.bewell.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=19061347&as=142833 http://media.kickstatic.com/kickapps/images/142833/users/AliceDDomarPhD_142833_1262292252924_portrait160X120.jpg false 0 0 1691684 19061347 Member 421