16 Search Results for "cahill"

• The Power of Hope: Life Lesson The Power of Hope: Life Lessons From Fairies & Grandkids

  • From: TeenaCahillPsyD
  • Description:

    I was walking with my six- and seven-year-old granddaughters last month, browsing through stores and talking. The excitement was high because they both were about to be flower girls in their aunt's wedding and -- to top it off -- they were going to wear fairy wings! (Sometimes, it just doesn't get any better than that.) At one store we spied a couple of necklaces, each with a fairy dangling from the chain. The message on the side of the box promised that the fairy inside would grant your wish, at nighttime. The girls wanted to wear the necklaces in the wedding, so I overcame my mild discomfort (I was a little worried about that promise) and bought them.

    We resumed walking, though now each girl had a fairy dangling from her neck. I asked if they really believed the fairy could grant a wish. One grandchild was a skeptic, one a believer and both quite philosophical in their conversation about the topic. The skeptic said the believer had the right to believe, and the believer returned this acceptance to the skeptic. I liked that.  

    Grandma, of course, is more into science that fantasy, so I felt compelled to remind both girls that we get what we want by setting goals, following a plan and working hard. They nodded politely but were more interested in their conversation about fairies than my practical advice.

    Eventually the skeptic thought fairies MIGHT be able to grant some wishes in some situations, and the believer was concerned as to whether the words on the box meant you had to make your wish at night, or if any time of the day would suffice.  

    Of course, all of this was making their goal-directed grandmother both fascinated by their dialogue and worried the tide would turn toward seeing "wishes" as a life plan. So I gave them more boring advice about owning their power. At that point, my seven-year-old granddaughter stopped in her tracks and turned to me with a little advice of her own: "Grandma," she said with a little irritation, "fairies give you hope!" The skeptic nodded in agreement, and I was stunned into silence. Of course fairies give us hope. Why didn't I think of that? That's why we have fairies in the first place. Silly Grandma!

    While I may not know much about fairies, I do know a few things about hope. So, let's look at what hope does for us:

    Hope can come to us in many ways, but one from the psychological field is choice. We have the ability to "choose" hope, and we are somewhat innately wired to benefit from this type of thinking.

    Hope often starts with looking at things differently. When we choose hopeful thoughts, certain chemicals are released in our brain. These chemicals can energize us so we both feel and think differently. This energy can help us change our hopeless perspective, look at what positive action we can take, and eventually take actions that may lead to the better outcome we wanted in the first place.  

    Hope is not a guarantee, but it opens the door for us to take a chance on trying to get what we want. We do not always get what we want, but one door leads to another, and going forward in positive way is the fuel of both hope and empowerment.

    Grandma might think hope starts with making choices about how we think, but maybe, just maybe, the skeptic was right and it takes a fairy to help us make that choice!

    If you want to know more about hope and it's biological and psychological impact on our lives, read The Anatomy of Hope by Jerome Groopmam, MD.  He doesn't mention fairies, but maybe he should have!

     

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  • 2 months ago
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• Care Partners: Three Steps Tha Care Partners: Three Steps That Can Change Your Life

  • From: TeenaCahillPsyD
  • Description:

    I used to be a caregiver, but I decided a few years ago to become a care partner instead.

    I have spent most of my adult life caring for others. Actually, most women spend a good portion of their lives caring for others. In my case the "sandwich" (caring simultaneously for children and parents) has been a triple decker. I've been caring for my parents and kids, and -- for the last twenty years -- my husband, who is unable to walk unaided and has many other challenges. (He's a great guy though, and I didn't marry him for his legs...although they are nice to look at!) 

    Mary Ellen Grant at "Share the Care" in Orlando was the first person who said the words "care partner" in my presence. I had just finished a keynote address to a ballroom full of caregivers and afterwards we were talking. Mary Ellen did not mention any developed model, but when the words "care partners" flew out of her mouth, I grabbed them. I could feel the stress lifting from my shoulders as I chose my new identity.

    To others nothing tangible actually changed in my life between the last moment I was a caregiver and the first moment I was a care partner. But inside me, everything changed.

    Cognitive behavioral psychology teaches us that our thoughts affect our feelings and our feelings affect our behaviors. Choosing to change our thinking is called a "cognitive reframe." When I chose to change my identity from caregiver to care partner, I felt elated, hopeful, and excited. These feelings were the fuel I needed to take risks, change some expectations, and feel less stress and more joy.

    Instead of fighting isolation, I automatically saw myself as more connected...both to my husband and the world. Seeing the world as a potential team made me feel and act happy.  Eye contact and smiling go a long way towards putting people at ease and making it easier for them to connect with us. Never think we do not create our own reality. Other people don't know our feelings any more than we know theirs, but most people yearn for connectedness. So, in an effort to take care of myself I came to understand I was taking care of others too. Life is a paradox!

    Here are three strategies I use as I build my care partner team.

    1. Be bold. Last night my husband and I were coming out of the movies and I could not get his wheelchair through the door to the men's restroom. I saw a nearby group of people laughing and talking, so I went over and asked one of the men to help my husband into the bathroom. By the time we left the theatre we were all laughing and talking. I have never had a person refuse to help us, and I'll bet I never do. I think most people want to help others but are afraid to take the risk of offering. Reframe how you look at asking for help. Do people a favor and give them the gift of contributing. There is a lot of research on the link between contribution and life satisfaction. See yourself as doing them a favor too. It's a win-win!

    2. Explain the new model to your loved ones. Let them know you need their help.  We all build self esteem from dealing with issues and solving problems. Self esteem doesn't just pop up magically...it comes from our competency. I wouldn't ask my husband to be a member of a relay team and run ten miles; that would not be appropriate. But there are many problems that are appropriate for his ability level and he needs to be solving those problems; for himself more than for me. It's great to have a partner who knows his worth. It's a win-win!

    3. See possibilities. Recognize what is right in your life and build on these strengths.  This way of thinking will serve you well whether you are a care partner or not.  Do the same with your loved one, with friends and family, and with all the people you see as potential care partners. You will be shocked at all of the health and support that swirls around you when you look at the world this way. You don't need everyone to be a partner, but the world is full of a lot of people and most of them want to be connected, just like you. Be the first to weave the wide web of connectedness that is the platform of our resilience. When you do, everyone is stronger. It's a win-win!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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  • 2 months ago
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• Daddy's Little Girl: The Speci Daddy's Little Girl: The Special Role of Fathers

  • From: TeenaCahillPsyD
  • Description:

    Excitement is high in our home these days. We are awaiting the birth of our twelfth grandchild (an added bonus of combined families). Ultra sound pictures wallpaper my computer screen and we just know there are already signs of brilliance!

    This excitement led me to think about the special things dads can give their daughters.  After all, we live in a sexist culture and, whether I like it or not, there is a male bias. I believe fathers can counter this bias by first being aware of it, and then by taking some steps to overcome it.

    Here are four ideas for empowering daughters and creating more balance between the sexes:

    1. Catalyst, a leading nonprofit that aims to build more opportunities for women in the workplace, and other groups that study gender and success say that women need to take more risks. These organizations aren't encouraging inappropriate or unsafe risks, but rather the kind of risks you take when you believe in yourself and know your value. Who better to learn this from than dads, who can spend time helping daughters recognize and develop their strengths. Research also suggests we are more likely to feel valued when a person pays attention to us. So, remember the male bias and counter it by going out of your way to devote time to your daughter -- fostering confidence and encouraging calculated risk taking.

    2. Pull your daughter into some appropriate financial decision-making. Don't ask her to invest the family nest egg, but give her a small personal nest egg, separate from an allowance or other money she spends on personal items. Then, strategize with her about how she can make her savings grow. Again, Catalyst and similar groups suggest that people are more likely to be promoted at work if they are in positions that affect the corporate bottom line. Girls need to understand, from the earliest age, that the bottom line matters to any family, and to any employer. When girls fall victim to sexist stereotypes that tell them they are not good at math, do not understand numbers, or just spend money shopping, the result can lower confidence around money matters. This lack of confidence often results in women being less likely to go for positions, which lead them to the bottom line, to the vital and higher paying jobs, and to more likely promotions. And do not forget, economists tell us the 21^st Century will need a lot of math and science majors. We need our girls prepared and we need their contributions. 

    3. Praise your daughter when she cares for others. Stephen Post, in his book Why Good Things Happen to Good People, shares research that shows boys usually feel good about themselves when they help others, but girls are expected to help others. As a result, caring behaviors do not necessarily help girls -- and later grown women -- feel better about themselves. That is changed when a dad or male figure in their life compliments them on these actions. So let your daughter know that caregiving deserves positive recognition because other people matter and because working for the welfare of others is special, not just expected.

    4. Most of all laugh and have fun with your daughter. Take joy in her accomplishments and empower her to develop her potential.

    Happy Father's Day!

     

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  • 3 months ago
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• My Gift to Summer Brides My Gift to Summer Brides

  • From: TeenaCahillPsyD
  • Description:

    Our family is about to set out for the wedding of my husband's second child, my "bonus" daughter. This joyful ceremony will include almost every member of our large extended family. I hope the wedding celebration will unfold much as my other daughter's wedding reception ended seventeen years ago: the bride had spilled red wine down her dress, the heel had broken off her shoe from dancing, and -- as she led friends and family in a Conga Line that stretched out the ballroom and through the hotel -- she passed me, leaned over, and said, "Mom, it doesn't get any better than this!"   

    No one loves a good party more than me, Grandma Teena. But, eventually the wedding becomes a marriage, and I reminded that Dr. Aaron Beck, the father of cognitive behavioral psychology, was right to name his landmark book on communication in relationships, Love Is Never Enough. So, as I have done for our sons and daughters, here are my gifts to the brides of our BeWell family:

    Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD. This book is based on Gottman's research into what really makes a marriage work. He and his co-authors say treating one another like a friend is really important in a marriage, as is listening without judging. I often ask myself, "Am I treating my husband as a friend?" I find this question useful. I also love the basic blueprint this book provides for building a solid platform for a marriage.

    Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. This book explains the importance of understanding the context of life and of relationships. While facts matter, it is also important to understand feelings and to relate to people from the heart as well as from the head. I often suggest husbands start with the chapter called, "Managing From the Heart." Sometimes men "get it" more quickly if they learn skills for work then transfer those skills to the home. Women seem to think about relationships more than men, and that sort of gives us an edge. I like to help men have an edge too.

    Love Is Never Enough by Aaron Beck. This book shows how we can learn to communicate with our spouse in ways that lessen conflict. Beck shows that if we speak from our feelings, using "I" statements rather that "you" statements we can reduce conflict. When we feel attacked or punished, our anxiety goes up, and we cannot listen well or attend to what is being said. Goleman talks about this issue in the chapter I mentioned above, and he says, "Stress makes us stupid." Beck shows the importance of reducing stress when communicating in relationships. 

    Make your wedding day, which is the first event in what will become the history that defines your marriage, a great start. Laugh a lot. Then remember, all marriages have conflict. However, there is solid information that can help us each develop the skills needed so our marriage can flourish. Congratulations to you. Now, go have fun! 

     

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  • 3 months ago
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• A Salute to Veterans A Salute to Veterans

  • From: TeenaCahillPsyD
  • Description:

    Those of you in "The Greatest Generation," as Tom Brokaw named it, not only saved the American way of life, but also saved families. Three of my grandchildren would not be here today, if their paternal grandmother had been killed in WWII, as was her mother. Many of us who are now grandmothers hold you close to our hearts, as do millions of others. Thank you.

    If you are a Veteran of the Korean War Era, your efforts stabilized the Korean Peninsula and drew a line at the 38^th Parallel, setting the stage for South Korea to make the economic and industrial contributions to the world that define it today. Your efforts allowed millions of people below that parallel to grow up with freedom and opportunity. Thank you.

    To my peers and my husband's cohorts in the Vietnam Era, I am sorry for the reception so many of you received when you returned home from this war and to the tumultuous times in America. The reception you received was unfair to you, and I hope you know today that your service is honored and your sacrifices, which I know are many, are honored and appreciated. Thank you.

    Many of you served your country between the wars that mark our history. I know, as you know, that war is the last resort. The first function of the military is to keep peace. Each day you served your country helped to hold that line, and your service is honored for the heroic efforts you took to support the efforts of peace. Thank you.

    And to the young men and women from every state and every branch of the service who have been deployed one, two, three, four, or five times to Iraq, Afghanistan, or other parts of the middle east or destinations around the world, our hearts are with you. You are our sons and daughters and we love you. Please be safe, come home soon, and know you are not alone, nor are your families. 

    My friend Michelle Sherman, PhD, is the Director of the Family Mental Program at the Oklahoma City VA. She is also a professor at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center, and she has dedicated her life to supporting and working with the families of those who serve this nation through the military. Michelle and her mother have authored "My Story: Blogs by Four Military Teens" and wish to highlight the challenges and strengths that define the lives of families when parents are deployed, often multiple times. (www.seedsofhopebooks) Understanding the sacrifices these families make is one way of supporting them and their loved ones who serve.

    This weekend, communities across the United States will honor the service and sacrifice of our military members with parades, visits to the graves of fallen heroines and heroes, and with families coming together in freedom. Have a great time. But remind your kids

    of those who made this life possible. Let them know there are many ways to be a patriot and that our country is only as strong as those who chose to contribute, in ways that are right for them.

     

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  • 4 months ago
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• Teena Teena

  • From: Salt_Light
  • Description:

    Teena's radio show and blog are uplifting and make you think. The first book Teena wrote "The Cahill Factor" made you cry and also made you rethink of how one reacts to life. Teena is also a wonderful loving Mother, Grandmother and wife and if the world was filled with people like Teena yes, this would be a better place to live. Teena is an inspiration to me and alot of other women and men. Teena inspires one to be resilliant and get out of the confort zone.

     

     

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  • 4 months ago
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• Teena Teena

  • From: ckeller1
  • Description:

    I have followed Teena Cahill for the last 5 months and her books, radio shows and blogs are right on.  She makes me realize how to really look at things.  I look forward to continuing to follow her.

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  • 4 months ago
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• Love Is Worth Fighting For: Mo Love Is Worth Fighting For: Moving from Caregiver to Care Partners

  • From: TeenaCahillPsyD
  • Description:

    Life and my professional experience have taught me that love can actually be a selfish emotion. If I love my husband, for example, only I can feel it. What really makes a relationship work is when we love someone the way they want to be loved. What really, really makes a relationship work is when the way they want to be loved is the way we want to love!

    I am also firmly convinced that whatever trait draws you to a person will also be the trait that, eventually, will drive you the craziest! 

    I met Brooks, my second husband, in a seedy bar. He objects to the word seedy. He is wrong. 

    You see, my first marriage had dissolved and I had packed up the three kids and headed off to get my doctorate in psychology. To bring in extra money, I taught undergraduate college courses at a nearby Air Force base. My girlfriend called me one night, said she met a guy who she knew was going to be at the "seedy" bar next to the base where I taught, and that I HAD to go there with her because she was afraid to go alone. I protested, but eventually agreed. (When you are a single parent with three kids, in graduate school, and are teaching...you have many debts to repay!)

    Needless to say, I drove my own car. Of course within five minutes she dumped me, and I was ticked. So I climbed up on a high bar stool to see if I could find her when this guy with twinkling eyes came up and said, "You don't look very happy." In my most unsure moment I gasped, "I don't belong here. I'm the psychology instructor!" No matter how insecure you might be when you are alone in a singles bar, you can never be more pathetic than me!

    Brooks laughed. 

    This was almost thirty years ago when he was the Commanding Officer of a squadron of Marine Corps Reserve fighter pilots who were on a training mission, and a co-captain with a major international airline. My mother would have freaked!

    I tell our story in my book, The Cahill Factor: Turning adversity into Advantage (SterlingHouse Publisher/Amazon.com), and my girlfriend, Dr. Eileen Kennedy Moore, a psychologist and author, captured our relationship best when she wrote this blurb for the book: "The Cahill Factor is a story about courage and resilience, but it's mostly a story about love-not abstract or romantic sentiment, but the honest, gritty, feisty, and tenacious love that is the miracle of everyday life. Read it and be inspired."  I'm not so sure about the inspired part, but I am very sure about the gritty and tenacious part!

    Brooks invited me to have a drink, and we talked about our shared love of history, tennis and kids. I then decided to leave because I knew if I stayed longer, I wouldn't want to leave at all. He suggested we meet at the Air Force base tennis courts in the morning, but I declined, telling him I was playing baseball with my kids in a family game at the university.

    The next morning, to my astonishment, Brooks found his way to the university baseball game, hit the ball out of the park, and left me stammering when the kids asked me "Mommy, who is that man?" I mean, how do you tell the kids, "Oh, kids, last night when you were with the babysitter, I met this nice man at a seedy bar?!" (I subscribe to the psychological belief that it is best to make sure someone is going to be in your life for a while before the kids meet them. Fighter pilots are different than psychologists.)

    It was clear from the night before that there had been a powerful and mutual attraction between the two of us. For me it was about meeting a man so strong and grounded, that I felt free to be as strong as I am. Brooks, like most guys, would say it was about something else!

    Before marrying Brooks I would have told you all the variables that can make a marriage work. But after marrying Brooks I have decided there is only one reason to marry someone: because you like him.

    I did not need a husband and my kids did not need a Dad (they have a loving Dad). I married Brooks because I liked being with him. He feels like a vacation after a busy day, and I admire his risk taking, determination, tenacity, and courage. These, of course, are the traits that make me the craziest too -- and I am fairly sure he would say the same about me.

    Here is why it really matters that you own yourself and know what you like and do not like in a partner before committing. (Never be the "other half" of anyone and don't look for the other half of you, either. Two halves do NOT make a relationship work. Two wholes are way stronger than two halves.) Seven years into our marriage -- after combining kids, pets, and individual careers -- Brooks and I went to bed one night and by morning he was given no chance to live. In the middle of the night he had a cerebral hemorrhage, then a stroke, and eventually a spinal cord injury. While this was not the path we planned, it is the path we have been on for twenty years.

    In the early hours of this crisis, I sat next to his bed basically waiting for him to die. No one held out much hope and I could see with my own eyes he was getting worse. I cried and just sat there looking at the green institutional walls of the ICU when suddenly I said to myself, as I describe in my book, "They told me 12 hours ago he was going to die and he didn't. They told me 6 hours ago he was going to die and he didn't. And they told me an hour ago he was going to die and he didn't. Here's what I am going to do: I am going to plan on him living and when he dies I'll deal with it then. I wasn't in denial (I used to teach psychophysiology, after all). I knew we were in trouble."

    But my textbook learning had kicked in and I thought of Aaron Beck, Cyril Franks, and all of the early researchers into Cognitive Behavioral Psychology who taught us -- through research and clinical application -- that our thoughts affect our feelings, and our feelings affect our behaviors. Their work showed how important it is to make choices about how we look at things. (Clue to you: as often as possible, see what is right, not wrong about people and situations.)

    This change in my thinking led me to call a neurosurgeon to consult with my husband, whom I thought could make it. The guy came, operated within an hour, and -- almost twenty years later -- Brooks is sitting across the room reading and listening to the news as I write this blog. That simple change in thinking changed the direction of our lives.

    Now it would be bad form for me to take credit for him living. It was good luck, a good surgeon, the grace of God, and Brooks' inherent strength. But the fact is, my change in thinking led the way. (Well, maybe not for the God part!)

    I would prefer my husband not have all of these challenges. But I will tell you that I learned more from that moment than I ever learned from a textbook or any other experience in my life. Trust me, there was a lot wrong with Brooks that day in ICU. Most others saw all the things that were wrong, but I chose to see his strength...and mine.

    Brooks is a tough guy. I sometimes call him the most stubborn man in the world and he has been known to use the stubborn word with me too! We still go head to head, speak from our authenticity, and have differing views of many situations. We have rarely agreed on anything political, or how I should drive the car. (Don't get me started!)

    But what is right is that we have the same values. We care about others, the family and the world -- even though we may have differing ideas as to how to solve the problems. And we like each other, laugh easily, and neither of us needs the other to be whole.

    Brooks has been unable to walk unaided for years and has many challenges. Many would see me in a caregiving role. And I am. Except I choose to think about that differently too.

    Here's the deal...

    I do not want to be a caregiver. The term caregiver makes me think I have to give care all the time and get nothing in return. I do not agree with those who call caregiving a sacred honor. I mean, I love my husband and often care for him, but caregiving can be even grittier than love!

    Thinking of myself as a caregiver makes me feel isolated. Then, I feel tired and, eventually, I'll feel resentful. I do not want to feel resentful because I love Brooks, I like to feel that love, and I want to love him the way he wants to be loved. If I am resentful or angry then it would be all about me and not so good for either of us. Resentfulness would turn our authentic and gritty love into a concrete wall.

    I also refuse to see Brooks as only a care receiver. He is much more than that. 

    Brooks takes care of me in many ways. He still feels like a vacation when I head home from a speaking engagement or from my clinical office. I look forward to his smile, his kindness, and maybe a kiss or hand holding in bed while watching TV or talking. And I EXCECT him to DELIVER and love me the way I like to be loved. If he sees himself as unable to give to me, too, he will not love me the way I want to be loved. Then, we both lose.

    I like this guy, but I also have expectations of him. It would be disrespectful to him if I didn't demand he care for me too. And it is not healthy or self-esteem building for any physically or cognitively challenged person to not have responsibilities commensurate with their abilities. We all need to know there are expectations of us, and that we can succeed at these expectations.

    So I am not only a caregiver and Brooks is not only a care receiver. We are CARE PARTNERS! We're two wholes making up a team. These words alone change and define our relationship (thoughts create feelings, which create behaviors...remember?).

    This cognitive reframe sets me up to feel less alone, to go forward in the ways that are authentic to me, to take risks, and to know that my independence is a big part of what Brooks loves about me.

    This changed paradigm from caregiver to care partners, allows me to love Brooks without resentment and in the ways he likes to be loved. It sets Brooks up to know his value to me and to the world,  to understand and feel that while many situations have changed, he still owns the power to love me the way I like to be loved.

    We remain the two stubborn, determined, tough, fun loving, and funny people we were the night we met. And as care partners, the love affair continues...no matter what.

    Love is worth fighting for...especially in situations where it could be lost.  

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  • 5 months ago
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• Extended Family Living: 9 Step Extended Family Living: 9 Steps to Success

  • From: TeenaCahillPsyD
  • Description:

    The media is reporting the rise in extended family homes in the U.S., defined as three generations under one roof. Generations ago this living situation was often the norm, and in many countries this model remains prevalent.

    Over the last sixty years as Americans prospered, we loved the idea of individual home ownership. As my generation came of age, we followed jobs and careers to locations hundreds or thousands of miles away from our families of origin and from our parents. I don't know of any research that actually says this is a good thing.

    This left so many young families isolated with no grandparents around. Couples struggled to climb the ladder of success -- and, for many, trying to maintain and care for a family, career, and aging parents while living thousands of miles away was not an easy thing to do. The divorce rate skyrocketed during these years, and I have always wondered if part of that was due to lack of extended family support.   

    Money flowed pretty freely in the last thirty years, and we had the rise of the assisted living model for aging seniors. In these situations, Grandma could usually sell her family home and move into one of the great assisted living residential situations that grew from this boom. Or, she could rent a place. This was often a great relief for the adult children who lived far away and were worried about their parents.

    We also saw the rise of Geriatric Care Management Companies. My girlfriend owned one of these. She and her team managed the medical, financial, and housing problems for seniors who could not care for themselves and whose families were far away. This was a huge relief for many families, but it too can be costly.

    Now, we have a new financial reality.

    Home prices are way down and if Grandma can even sell her home, she may not have the money to support lifetime care in an assisted living situation. And with unemployment and the difficult economy of 2010, young families have less money to spend on housing for aging parents or trips to visit and check in on them.

    Seventy percent of the families in the United States are dual income with both partners working...and that number may be going up. Women still only make two thirds of the income for the same job as a man (unless they are in a union and then the difference is about eighty-four cents on the dollar.) But, the most recent layoffs were heaviest in male dominated industries, and now we have many women in this country who are the only or primary breadwinner. Overall, families have much less income than before.

    I believe these are some of the reasons extending family living is on the rise.

    But there are others....

    --Mom and Dad need help.

    --Grandma and Grandpa might need some help too.

    --The wider and deeper our connectedness, the higher we bounce...in good times and in bad.

    It is both wonderful and difficult to be a working mom. I believe kids benefit from this model, but Mom is often sucked into that myth that her life should be balanced; that she should be doing better and that she is failing at everything. Stress!

    It is also both wonderful and difficult to be a working dad. Kids benefit from this model too. Dad's stress may come out in different ways, and Dads need support too.

    We could talk to Mom and Dad, educate them how to have stress with less distress, and empower them to see their strengths and know when "good enough," is "good enough," and that is a great idea.  But there is another great idea: bring in Grandma...and Grandpa, too!

    Eleven years ago, my daughter and son in law returned home after living in Europe for six years. My daughter, then a law professor, and her husband, an international attorney, stayed with us while looking for a house.

    It became obvious to all of us that the situation was benefiting everyone.

    My daughter, a hard worker, had backup for the kids. I'm a hard worker too and I benefited by having backup from both my daughter and son in law for my husband, Brooks. You may know from previous blogs that Brooks is significantly challenged in many ways.   

    My son in law travels a lot. He liked that his family had support and that he had some back up too. Needless to say, it was clear my husband benefited greatly from the arrangement in which he is surrounded by care, activities, and energy filled grandkids.

    And let's not forget: there can never be too many loving hands supporting parents as they rear their kids, provide for their families, and work to have a great marriage.

    When this arrangement works, as we saw it was for us, the grandkids are big winners too. It never hurts a child to have two other adults love them, enjoy them, and be there for them...especially when they get a little older and want a ride somewhere!

    So, we bought a house together; one that has some private space for all of us, but mostly shared space.

    Yes, we share a kitchen. That is always the first question. Even this traditional domain belonging to "the woman in the family" works because my daughter and I can talk out issues. (Although I'm not sure anyone else would want to share a kitchen with me!) 

    It is an asset that we are both very busy women and neither of us gets our "cookies" from our great talent in the kitchen. She is, though, a much better cook than me and my two sons are great cooks, too.  (The joke in the family is that someone had to be!)

    It has been eleven years since we first pushed Grandpa's wheelchair up the ramp to the front door; two grandchildren delicately balanced on each knee.  Now, he would need another knee, since a third child brought even more joy and sunlight into our lives.

    This situation works for us in many ways. Each situation is different but I think there are some universal truths that can go far in making extended family living work.

    Here are some suggestions:

    1. Each adult in an extended family home needs to want the arrangement to work. Even if just one person does not want it to work, there will be stress, which could damage relationships and make the situation impossible. You have to understand that while every person needs to make their own decisions, it is also important to factor in how your decisions will affect the rest of the family. Everyone has to be willing to work for the common good. 

    2.  Each person in the family needs to recognize what they are getting from this situation. If any one person believes they are being taken advantage of or they are imposed upon in some way, this will not work.

    3.  Both of these issues need to be thoroughly discussed before entering an extended family situation, and communication is truly a key to the success.  We sometimes have family meetings to discuss issues. You have to find a way to talk about the things that matter.

    4.  Not every issue has to matter. Look, nothing is perfect, even if you are living alone. So you cannot go into extended family living expecting perfection. Every living situation has a cost benefit ratio to it, and you have to know when to deal with something and when to ignore it. All families experience ups and downs. See what is right and go with the flow.

    5.  Respect your child's marriage as his or her primary relationship. This is the relationship they will have for the rest of their lives, not their relationship with you. If you love your kid, do whatever you can to support this primary relationship. (I mean this...you listen to me, here!) 

    Offer to babysit so they can have date nights, never ask if they are having an argument or tough time. Never criticize your in-law child...to them or to your child. And do not become a wedge between them. Your job is to be a loving parent to both of them, and to be an asset to their marriage...by staying out of it!

    6.  It is not your job to parent the grandkids. Fill in where needed, but enjoy the freedom of being an aide to their development, not responsible for it. Do not undermine the discipline their parents might use, do not allow a child to get you to say yes when Mom or Dad has said no, and understand these boundaries very well. If you want to do something unusual with the grand kids, ask the parents first and do not assume a decision making role in the grandkids lives...unless asked.

    7.  The great thing about being a grandparent is that we do not have to turn the kids into responsible citizens! That is the parent's job, and hopefully we taught them well. Instead, give the grandchildren support, love, fun, joy, and acceptance. Let them know you believe in them, just as you did with their parents. However, if you share an interest with a grandchild, and if the parents approve, teach them what you know, encourage them to develop their talents, and be part of the audience when they have events.

    8. Be who you are, but be appropriate being that person, most of the time.  We all make mistakes, we all get stressed...but to the best of your ability learn to manage your stress, not dump it into the family. When you make a mistake, and we all do...apologize.

    9. Build your own life separate from your kids and grandkids. Do not be there all the time. Go see a friend. And do not insist on being part of every family outing. Make friends and have so much fun with them that you don't want the kids with you all the time either! 

    Lastly, always remember that care partners need to work together, work for the common good, and take care of one another. If you do not think you want to do this, then be honest with your adult child and find another situation that works.

    But, if you do choose this living situation remember to be grateful to both of your adult kids. Thank them when they work in your best interest. Work in their best interest, too...and always let them know how much you appreciate what they do for you. By the same token, expect them to do the same for you.

    I know this situation is not for everyone, but when we know the boundaries, show love, compassion, care and the willingness to work as a team, it can be an enriching and supportive lifestyle for everyone.

     

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• Nurturing the Nurturer with Gu Nurturing the Nurturer with Guest Elizabeth Rose

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    Dr. Teena Cahill webtalk radio show interview with Elizabeth Rose

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• Nurturing the Nurturer - Guest Nurturing the Nurturer - Guest Kristen Houghton

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    Teena Cahill webtalk radio interview with Kristen Houghton

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• Nurturing the Nurturer Intervi Nurturing the Nurturer Interview with Carol Gabel

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    Teena Cahill webtalk radio show interview with Carol Gabel, VP Bus Dev NJ Chamber of Commerce

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• Nurturing the Nurturer - Guest Nurturing the Nurturer - Guest: Michelle Sherman, PhD

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    Dr. Teena Cahill web radio show featuring guest Dr. Michelle Sherman

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• Dr. Cahill's Recipe for Stress Dr. Cahill's Recipe for Stress Relief

  • From: TeenaCahillPsyD
  • Description:

    The other night my grandkids roasted marshmallows over a fire pit we have in back in the yard. I watched them laugh with delight as they grabbed the chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers -- while doing much finger licking -- and assembled their favorite dessert: s'mores.

    Suddenly I thought to myself that this is the kind of moment we all need. Adversity happens in every life, but seeing what is right not wrong in each moment can take us far. We can eat only so much chocolate (as hard as that is to believe), but there are no calories in a "virtual s'more!"  Maybe a yummy "Dessert for the Mind" is what we all need to help us remember that our best life comes from building on our changing strengths. So I made myself a virtual s'more. And, sure enough, I was just living in the moment...and having fun.

    Here's my recipe. I hope you like my cooking. (Trust me: my virtual cooking is way better than the real thing!)

     

    Dr. Teena's "Dessert for the Mind"

    Virtual S'mores!

    S...Stress is part of life. The trick is to learn to manage the stress so that you feel less DISTRESS.

    '....Omm. Put your thumb and fore fingers together and hum while creating a relaxing picture of yourself, sitting cross-legged on a beautiful sun-filled mountaintop.

    M...Myths -- like the idea of having balance in life -- are unrealistic. Toss this myth off the mountain as you head back to your home base. Smell the aroma of nature and replace the myth of balance with the model of resilience.

    O...Opportunity can usually be found within adversity. Pay attention to the moment and listen to the wind. You may feel or 'hear' hope, which is the first step towards opportunity.

    R...Resilience is our innate ability to bounce back from adversity. A resilient life is about trying different paths. We are capable of turning adversity into our advantage, we just need to keep trying until we find the right path. 

    E...Engagement in life, caring about others, and weaving our "webs of connectedness" is one way we can increase resilience, while making a positive contribution to those around us. Look for a way to contribute, and remember: The wider our webs of connectedness, the higher we bounce!

    S...Strengths that are unique to us are often our greatest assets in tough times. Look at what is right -- not wrong -- with yourself and the world around you. Build on what you see.

    Get more tips from me here at BeWell and also visit my Web site at www.teenacahill.com.

     

    This information is for educational and informational use only, and is not meant as a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.  Always seek the advice of a psychologist or other qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a mental problem or disorder, or medical condition.

    Copyright, Wisdom and Beyond, LLC © 2009, Princeton, NJ 

     

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